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Snappy, apropos comebacks?

The Return Of Rothkoid

12:41 / 27.06.02

From today's Popbitch - felt I had to share. John Gielgud was far cooler than I am:

"Many years ago, while appearing on Broadway [Sir John] Gielgud was in a yellow cab on the way to the theatre. It had been raining so he was carrying an umbrella. After exchanging pleasantries with the driver, Gielgud was dropped off and made his way to the stage door.
"A few paces away from the cab he was surprised by the previously friendly driver screaming "Ya fuckin fairy, yo forgot yo fuckin wand!".

Gielgud calmly walked back to the cab, collected his brolly, tapped the driver on the head and said 'Turn to shit'."

Anyone else got some good off-the-cuff responses that inspire envy? Thin basis for a thread, but this really tickled me...

The Natural Way

12:44 / 27.06.02

I don't know about that, but that cab driver sounds like a fucking bastard. I hate that kind of shit. Nice one minute...evil the next. Urrgh. Bastard.

Kit-Cat Club

12:47 / 27.06.02

I sincerely hope you haven't forgotten this one:

a portly Sri Lankan batsman was asked by a South African why he was "so fucking fat". "Because," replied the batsman calmly, "every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

From this review.

Cavatina

13:03 / 27.06.02

This response was made by a (female) friend of mine whose car petered out in the middle of a busy intersection and wouldn't restart. The engine kept turning over but wouldn't kick in. Then the driver(a bloke)in the car behind just put his hand on the horn and left it there. Alex looked at me and swore. Then cool as a cucumber, she got out and walked up to his car window. When he'd obligingly put it down, she said, "I'll keep my hand on the horn. You get out and push."

And sheepishly, he did. And I helped him.

We dined out on that one.

higuita

14:05 / 27.06.02

Artist Lytton Strachey was 'had up' for his conscientious objection during the war. In an attempt to argue him from his standpoint, one military type said: "But if you saw your sister being raped by a german, what would you do?"
"I'd do my best to come between them," he replied.

I think my best personal one was to a rather unpleasant chap who was harassing my friend at a cashpoint. When my friend refused to give him any money (by virtue of not actually being employed or having any), the beggar claimed he was an 'ambient mugger' and included racial abuse as part of his delightful patter.
I told him to piss off or I'd stuff his head up his arse and give it a good kicking.

does that count?

I will admit to being much better at staircase humour. My life consists of a lot of 'dammit, that's really witty. Too late. Bollocks.' Which is why just swearing at people is a lot easier.

Spatula Clarke

14:16 / 27.06.02

Oliver Reed, a bit the worse for wear at a dinner party, realises he needs a piss. He wobbles off to find the nearest toilet. While he's urinating into the bowl a woman walks in and gasps, "Mr Reed! Do you know that this is for the ladies?"

Ollie turns round to face her, member in hand. "So, dear madam, is this."

that

14:21 / 27.06.02

Not really a comeback... and extremely well-known, but I like it anyway (and always had the distinct impression that O.W. would've appreciated it himself, once he got over the understandable huffiness):

Oscar Wilde: Do you mind if I smoke?
Sarah Bernhardt: I don't care if you burn.

Mourne Kransky

14:24 / 27.06.02

Last time we were at the fabulous Popstarz and having a very fine time, Ganesh was doing his customary Morrissey-dancing with gusto. Some wee nyaff took exception to this terpsichorean tour de force and complained to him, "You're very drunk".

Big G, quick as a flash, said "And you're very ugly but tomorrow I'll be sober..." So Churchillian!

Cavatina

14:51 / 27.06.02

You've just reminded me of a riposte by Robbie Burns who could apparently churn out his verses ex tempore at the drop of a hat, and was frequently received unwelcome attention at functions from twitting, admiring women.

I read somewhere that, on one occasion, when a woman (whose name I forget, but something Scottish, like 'Denby' (?)), simperingly asked him if he could write a verse about *her*, he replied without blinking:

Arrr yes, Mrs Denby -
if your face is so fair
When exposed to the air
How much fairer indeed
Must your bum be ...

Heh.

Cavatina

14:52 / 27.06.02

Damn. Mentally cross out 'was' in that first sentence.

The Natural Way

14:59 / 27.06.02

Y's one about the beggar's the best.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

17:13 / 27.06.02

My fave is the one about Mel Gibson on the set of Braveheart.

GIBSON (to extra): So, what do you wear under that kilt?

EXTRA: Your wife's lipstick.

Ganesh

17:23 / 27.06.02

A University friend of mine brought his first ever girlfriend home. His somewhat smothering mother and Trina (or 'La Trine' as she used to be known) did not get on. My friend's mother was a general practitioner and Trina, doubtless in a misguided attempt to provoke mutually-stimulating conversation, would wheel out her array of trivial hypochondriacal complaints.

Trina: My throat's really sore.

Friend's mother: Why don't you cut it?

Abigail Blue

17:36 / 27.06.02

Ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm dying to know how she responded to that!

Ganesh

18:08 / 27.06.02

Unfortunately for posterity, La Trine's response went unrecorded.

Margin Walker

19:17 / 27.06.02

An oldy-but-goodie from "Cheers":
Diane (to Sam Malone): "If brains were money, you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee."

George Carlin:
(on the subject of Marilyn Quayle): "Does Dan Quayle really have to fuck that woman? I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."

RiffRaff

20:21 / 27.06.02

"Does Dan Quayle really have to fuck that woman? I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."

Similar: during one of the Friar's Club roasts (I think it was for Jerry Stiller, but I'm unsure), the comedian that followed Sandra Bernhardt commented, "Sandra Bernhardt? Eurgh! I wouldn't fuck that with Bea Arthur's dick!" The camera immediatly cut to Bea Arthur in the audience, who just rolled her eyes...

Regrettable Juvenilia

22:44 / 27.06.02

My favourite recently is from Kavalier & Clay. I've altered it a bit for it to make sense without spoilers - all you need to know is that it's a character's response to homophobic snipings aimed at another character by a bartender:

"Do you know why they have to fuck each other?

Because they can't go fuck themselves. The way you can."

And then he order some drinks, very calmly. I was very tempted to use this during the recent 'pride parade people' thread/debacle.

Perfect Tommy

05:42 / 28.06.02

A friend of mine was on the bus. An woman was having trouble getting herself and her packages on, so he got off the bus and helped her. When he was walking back to his seat, an elderly man grabbed him by the arm.

"Nice guys finish last," he said.
"I'm not in it to win, old timer."

POW

Baz Auckland

07:13 / 28.06.02

A classic:

Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

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