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Unbeliveably mad things your teachers came out with.

 
  

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Rev. Orr
09:45 / 07.06.02
We had an ex-army music teacher who obviously learned how to teach from drill sergeants. We'd all sit in rows in a 20-year-old 'temporary' hut with guitars whilst he strode up and down bellowing "strum, 2, 3, 4, and G, 2, 3, 4" . I still think that his dearest wish was to form an acoustic guitar marching band.

All the usual stories of teachers who couldn't cope with smart-arsed kids correcting them ("Now, boys, these are electrons, the smallest things in the universe". "What about quarks?" "No, they don't exist at GCSE") and board-rubber throwing loons. The one that stands out in my mind was our rugby coanch. He was an ex-International whose only qualification seemed to be that he no longer ran his finger under the words when he read although his lips still moved. He supposedly taught Biology and whenever we would ask a question in class he would stall, pick up the textbook, walk out of the lab, walk back in and recite whatever the book had said. We didn't get on for a number of reasons and one day in training he took exception to a tackle I had made on a team-mate. He picked me up off the floor by the shirt and punched me in the face. Rather shakily I got to my feet and slugged him back. I doubt he even noticed. We stared at each other for a while, neither of us sure what to do next. I was mad as hell but could see that I was going to get my head kicked in if this went any further and I think he was beginning to realise that perhaps he wasn't in the best of positions himself. Eventually, he just turned around and continued the training session as if nothing had happened.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:50 / 07.06.02
Runs: Maybe you're right. I think I just find boredom really, really stressful, so the laundry scenario fills me with dread.
 
 
Bear
09:51 / 07.06.02
I've got nothing to add, just wanted to say that I'm loving these stories.
 
 
Ria
02:23 / 09.06.02
so do I. Penny Rimbaud from Crass taught art once. he talks about that in his autobiography. for a whole school year he claimed to his class that he could fly and then at the end jumped donw a hill to prove it. and then broke some bones. why did he do this? in the book he didn't explain.
 
 
Ria
02:29 / 09.06.02
seeeriously though.

I wanted to mention this teacher but didn't know how. he had a quality of a sort of a desperate rage and he taught biology. he did some funny thing but what really bothered me then and still does today had to do with when we dissected frogs. he detailed how you literally crucify the frogs on a bed of stuff like wax and then slit open the bellies and then skinned them and demonstrated how you could take off the skin of the head and make a puppet. he demonstrated. I had never seen a once-living creature desecrated like that. I felt a lot of horror then and loss of innocence.

(no we didn't kill the frogs first. I would have walked out rather than do that.)
 
 
MissLenore
03:04 / 09.06.02
I had a science teacher who wore the same beige outfit every day. He said it was because beige is the only colour that does not attract insects. Nevermind that we were indoors.
He also always wore tinfoil in the soles of his shoes, kept a bong in the classroom, and was known to put videocameras around various places in town so that we when we had "field" days he'd know if we were actually hanging out at one of the doughnut shops in town.
He left the school to go do research in Africa or something eventually. I guess he was supposed to be this huge genius or something.
 
 
rizla mission
13:30 / 09.06.02
He clearly ruled, that's for certain..
 
 
Ellis says:
16:58 / 09.06.02
In the leavers book my tutor thought it would be funny to take the piss out of my social anxiety and the fact I never went to class because of it.
She wasn't mad. She just didn't have a cat.
 
 
Naked Flame
17:38 / 09.06.02
One chemistry teacher would put on indoor firework displays if there was nothing better to do (after exams, that sort of thing...) and also instructed us in the art of manufacturing TNT and mildly psychoactive chemicals like acetone.

but the best one was the lating teacher who was on drugs that really didn't mix with alcohol, and could on occasion be seen after a glass of something striding across the playground, ragged academic gown streaming in the wind, screaming that the headmaster was a cunt, an arse, or memorably on one occasion a rancid stream of fecal matter.
 
 
captain piss
09:42 / 10.06.02
Heheheh

Miss Lenore: wow- that would be a cool character for a comic- a 70s Bond super-villain laying low as a suburban science teacher. "Ahh Meester Bond, we were expecting you for detention yesterday" *blows balls off with laser etc*
 
 
Thjatsi
12:36 / 10.06.02
...and mildly psychoactive chemicals like acetone.

Acetone is psychoactive? I used to accidently get that stuff all over my hands back in organic chemistry.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
12:39 / 10.06.02
Well, breathing acetone in'll get you good and woozy. One of my old jobs used to involve cleaning circuit boards with the stuff in a badly-ventilated room; the fumes definately go to your head after a while.
 
 
Morlock - groupie for hire
17:33 / 10.06.02
Can't think of anything myself, but here's some secondhand stuff:

"If we complicate things they get less simple."

"This book is only for the serious enthusiast; I haven't read it
myself."

"Of course, this isn't really the best way to do it. But seeing as
you're not quite as clever as I am - in fact none of you are anywhere near
as clever as I am - we'll do it this way."

"If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a
career in chartered accountancy beckons."

"Any theorem in Analysis can be fitted onto an arbitrarily small
piece of paper if you are sufficiently obscure."

From a Special Relativity lecture:

"...and you find you get masses of energy."

"It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."

"To do this we use a special theorem...the theorem that says that
secretly this is an applied maths course."

"We're not doing mathematics; this is statistics."

"Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing
unwanted wiggly things."
"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the
left."


"Well there you are, one lecture with no useful content."

From a _single_ research seminar at the King's College Research Centre:

"I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not."
"WARNING: There is no reason to believe this will work."
"Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead."
"I can see T is tending to infinity for you as well."
"If I am incomprehensible then stop me, but if it's simply wrong
then I don't think that it matters."

"Damn! I'm running out of integers!"

"I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate
manner."

"This is rigorous. Well, it's rigorous in the sense that ... All
right, it's not rigorous."
 
 
Logos
14:19 / 11.06.02
Let me see...

There was Unfortunate Science Demonstration Man. He once did a pendulum demonstration with a 1kg weight on a five-foot string. Stood against the blackboard. Touched the weight to his nose. Let it go. On the outswing, he said, "how do I know for certain this weight will not come back and hit me?"

At precisely the word "hit", the string snapped with the weight in the middle of its backswing, catching him squarely in the jimmies. He turned a delightful shade of gray.

Another time, while exploring the wonders of static electricity, the Van de Graaf generator took a dislike to him, and applied a series of electric discharges to his eyes and head whenever he tried to shut it off.

Other perennial favorites included Post Traumatic Stress Guy and Independently Wandering Eyeballs Woman. Also, the wrestling coach who liked to call random people into the attendance office and accuse them of skipping the class he'd just called them out of.
 
  

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