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Vodka Tonic

23:06 / 26.05.02

Finally an invention that works! I bought my usual "cheapest vodka in the shop" brand of spirit and when I got it home I noticed a change. The bottle has a funny device in it that makes the vodka come out slowly. I have no idea what you would call this, but you've probably seen this for yourselves.

You can imagine my irritation. Now my vodka comes out much more slowly than before. The frustration! This kind of thing is criminal.

In my anger I upended the bottle to try to speed the flow and willed it to empty more quickly. Of course, I kept it going for much longer than usual so that I gave myself a larger measure than I intended.

Then I got it! Revelation! Thats the point of the new bottle. It comes out more slowly so that you keep it going for longer and end up giving yourself double the measure you intended. Sheer genius. And I thought I was immune to that kind of psychological manipulation. wow.

01:03 / 27.05.02

Soon they'll start selling vodka in Klein bottles and it'll take you years to figure out how to access the fourth dimension, thus enabling you to drink the contents.

08:48 / 27.05.02

I have a subtle feeling that if the vodka didn't have a flow inhibitor, you would still have poured yourself a larger measure than you "intended". Cos it would come out too quick. Call me a cynic.

Thing is, if you've been keeping it in the freezer and it's gone all syrupy, that device would mean it would come out even slower, at which point you'll be smashing the neck off the bottle in frustration... and then you have to buy another bottle... aha! Further conspiracy!

21:50 / 27.05.02

The secret is to drink it straight from the upended bottle and suck hard. Where there's a Scot with a thirst, there's a way.

I have sadly never learnt how to open a tetrapak without tragic and voluminous spillage. So no health-giving fruit juices for me.

21:59 / 27.05.02

fridgemagnet: I take exception to your implications. The fact that its all true makes it much, much worse.

Zocher: Luckily I have a partner who thinks I'm a klutz. I get cartons opened for me with an air of withering disdain. Usually, I am so hung over that it just goes over my head.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:10 / 27.05.02

Who cares how fast it comes out? Sooner or later (usually sooner) it's all gonna leave the bottle and enter your bloodstream... the sooner they start doing intravenous booze on the NHS the better, if you ask me...
Enjoy your booze, anyway. Booze good. (Sorry... pissed... none too good at... ummm... sentences. Yeah. Sentences.)