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Underground > Creation >

The Life of Grant Morrison

  
  

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deja_vroom
15:25 / 10.06.02
"Boom shokaloka"
 
 
Logos
20:00 / 10.06.02
It was this proliferation of mouths that led to his three-year retreat to the dung-swept plains of Montana, under a whole-body vow of silence. During this period, he met and fell in love with
 
 
gridley
20:17 / 10.06.02
the inventor of Kevlar! He was an amazing and talented young man for whom everything in life simply had to be bulletproofed. A bulletproof shirt and a bulletproof glove, a bulletproof knit hat and a bulletproof dog collar. But alas, for Grant, his heart was also bulletproof. Try as he might, Grant could not penetate the many figurative and literal barriers to this man's soul.

This did not stop them, however, from going on many adventures together, including a fabulous trip to...
 
 
grant
21:22 / 10.06.02
...Barbados, where he unfortunately was served paint thinner in place of the local rum by an unscrupulous bartender. This tragic event set in motion an even more tragic lifelong pursuit: the...
 
 
Sax
12:22 / 11.06.02
search for that little bat that graces the label of a famous brand of rum, which cannot be identified here because of contractual reasons. Sitting by himself at a beach bar, the young Morrison mused: "Painstripper is a cowardly, superstitious drink! I need some booze that will strike fear into the hearts of alcohol-based paint remover everywhere!" Just then, his eye fell upon the bottle of real rum behind the bar, and he without further ado...
 
 
Sax
15:00 / 28.06.02
... created a grotesque papier-mache bat costume utilising the labels from bottles of Bacardi rum. Once it was completed, he took the next flight to Edinburgh, where he...
 
 
A
12:40 / 03.07.02
...wasted months in the vain search for an evildoer whom he could strike fear into the heart of. The young Morrison, who had by now blossomed into quite a comely and strapping young gentleman, recieved many quizzical looks from people out jogging or walking their dogs. Some suggested to Morrison that perhaps midmorning in a quiet residential neighbourhood was a poor choice of time and location for his Sacred Quest, but undaunted, he...
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
18:22 / 21.07.02
...finally came upon (not to mention found) a trio of young scalawags, trying to strap a bullfrog to an Estes rocket. "Halt!" cried Morrison, throwing himself upon the rocket. Unfortunately, it was at this moment that the blasted thing blasted off, poking his heart out of his back and shoving the frog in its place. Immediately thereafter, his papier mache costume bursting into flames. By the time it had been put out by the aforementioned scalawags urinating on him, it had roasted off his full mane, and...
 
 
grant
14:21 / 22.07.02
...immediately defined the central concept that would shape his later years. He would become...
 
 
Sax
14:25 / 22.07.02
...bald.
 
 
gridley
18:21 / 22.07.02
Yes, bald. Bald and arrogant. Like a sort of...
 
 
grant
19:29 / 22.07.02
..."streamlined sex toy, a chrome-plated super thinking machine," as he was wont to announce to all and sundry. With baldness, according to this blossoming new epistemology, comes great...
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:22 / 22.07.02
...need for sunblock, unless you want to walk around looking like a non-safety match.
 
 
gridley
12:08 / 23.07.02
But which of the available lotions was right for a man of his certain character? Light protection or heavy protection? Scented or perfume free? Cocoa butter or aloe vera? Pale white or the many varieties tinted in blues and greens? Finally he made his choice! And so he purchased two bottles of lickable suntan lotion, one in cherry and one in new toffee flavor (for the discerning tongue), and took to the city streets searching for...
 
 
bio k9
19:03 / 23.07.02
...love in all the wrong places. He was, in fact, "searching for love" when he ran into...
 
 
grant
16:26 / 24.07.02
...Bob Morrison, the Nashville songwriter who penned "Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places,"* at a corner newsstand, chatting with the vendor about nuclear physics**. After a few minutes of awed eavesdropping, the chrome-domed crimefighter-manque leapt out from behind an Aero bar display, grabbed the successful songster, and declared him his long-lost American cousin. The vendor, according to several eyewitnesses, did not take kindly to this intrusion and...


*True fact.

**He is, in true fact, trained as a nuclear engineer.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
01:37 / 25.07.02
...projectile vomited into Grant's eyes. As the Glasweigian reeled, Bob tinkered with the Estes rocket protruding from Grant's back, whistling a Harold Arlen tune.* He looked up, exclaimed in delight, and walked down the street nibbling on Grant's heart. Devastated, Grant slumped to the curb, only to notice that the rocket was now primed to explode spectacularly. With no time to lose, he...

* "If I Only Had A Heart," of course. Arlen was the composer of all music for "The Wizard of Oz."
 
 
Logos
02:30 / 25.07.02
...displaced it into a footnote*.

It was at this time that Senator Strom Thurmond briefly entered the picture, in order to...

*where it exploded, disrupting subspace for light years in every direction.
 
 
gridley
15:30 / 25.07.02
ask "Does anyone know where that lovely band Bill and his Saddle Pals are playing tonight?"

"Why, no, sir!" replied Grant. "You're over four decades late to catch that act. When they stopped playing country music back in the 50s, they changed their name to Bill Haley and the Comets.* I'm afraid Bill himself died in 1981**, but fortunately the rest of the band still tours under the name Bill Haley's Comets.***"

"1981? What sort of nonsense is this?" asked Strom. "It can't possibly be 1981 yet. That would make me... let's see... almost a hundred years old..."

"But it is, sir!" replied the peppy young Morrison, as he reached into his back pocket for his handy...

______________

* True!
** True, true!
*** True, true, true!
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
22:21 / 30.07.02
...dildonic sundial. "You see, the angle at which this phallus' shadow falls upon the engorged vulva lips on the base shows that the sun has changed angle in the sky in accordance to the 'wobble' of the Earth's rotation, and that I have such a device shows that societal morays have degraded to such an extent that Reagan and Thatcher must be in control of the two primary Anglophonic nations. It's really quite evident, when you think about it."

"You young Eurotrash scalawag!" Thurmond exclaimed. "Thet ain't no sundial; it's muh buttplug!" Snatching it away from our Grant, he hocked a greenish phlegmwad onto it, dropped trow, and began inserting it into his anus, grunting and humming Dixie. Grant gagged, and searched desperately for some way to escape this sight. That was when his eyes fell upon...
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
23:16 / 08.08.02
[oh come now, that wasn't that unpleasant; I'm capable of far worse. I bump because I love.]
 
 
gridley
17:04 / 13.08.02
... a man selling delicious popsicles in the shapes of wild animals!

"Ooooh, ice lollys," said Grant, licking his trembling lips. "I'll have one Lemon Lemur and two Strawberry Sloths!"

The popsicle man was startled, however to see Grant attempting to pay for his purchase with....
 
 
Jack Fear
18:33 / 13.08.02
...a priceless seventeenth-century Spanish doubloon retrieved from a shipwreck off the South American coast. The vendor got over his startlement quickly, however, reasoning that what this ignorant shavehead didn't know certainly couldn't hurt him. He handed over the ice-lollies and moved along quickly before Morrison could ask him for change.

Morrison unwrapped his Lemon Lemur and brought it to his lips—only to spit it out instants later, sputtering violently, "Great Scott! This Lemon Lemur--seems to be made of...
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
17:45 / 16.08.02
...citrus shower gel, impregnated through and through with teensy fruit-shaped nanobots! I can feel them crawling into my mind, each one freighted with terrible information! Arrghhh! I now know that...
 
 
lille christina
07:40 / 06.08.07
...Kyle McLachlan will use his super-genius-string-theory-deconstructing-boots to build a gigantic hovering city where he will imprison all the...
 
 
Sibelian 2.0
15:54 / 15.08.07
... parallel universe versions of me that weren't successful!"

Morrison's brow furrowed elegantly, all the way to the back of his neck. "If I save them," he pondered,...
 
 
Organic Resident
21:37 / 26.08.07
...will the world be a better or worse...? Suddenly, before he could finish his sentence...
 
  

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