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Quick advice

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

00:34 / 16.05.02

ok, so, like
going to starwars tonight with about 7 mates and i just get this call
"none of us are going"
"why"
"well, (name deleted) is on his way home from work and (Girl Deleted) killed herself, so we arent going"

Ok, now, (name deleted) was not going in the first place, and (chick deleted) is his ex/current? girlfriend.

(name deleted) is a friend of mine, however (chick deleted) never made any moves to talk/interact/learn my name, and i didnt really like her much. Also, it should be noted that i told (name deleted) that his interaction with her was ill-adviser since she was an obvious headcase from the time i did spend around her, and (name deleted) broke up with (chick deleted) by phone last new years eve (a week after [grandmother of (chick deleted)] died no less), and i did not know they were still doing anything together until recently.

what i want to know, is it shit of me that A: I'm not mourning the death of another human being who may or may not have meant anything to some friends of mine. and B: I'm still going to starwars because i will be damned if i waste movie tickets EVER. and C: that i am not over there feeling mock-bad about someone who was almost as far below the radar in my life as say, any one of your great aunts.

Elijah

Is it shit of me that

Matthew Fluxington

00:42 / 16.05.02

I think that it's okay if you go to the film if you really had little to do with this person at all. Express yr sympathies, be there to help yr friends over the next few days. You should show empathy for yr friends, but you shouldn't feel obliged to drop everything because of this. She was a stranger to you. It's certainly for the best that yr not there with her friends and family, I think that would be wrong and insincere. You'd just be in the way of a lot of people who are probably in a lot of pain right now.

00:45 / 16.05.02

I agree with Flux. Yes, it's sad that she died, and you should express whatever sympathy you can, but don't drop all your plans because of it.

00:50 / 16.05.02

yeah... I would the prioity is for your friend... Does he need a posse of people around for his mourning?

Maybe he should be invited to go along?

it shouldn't really be about her at this point...

do you think HE needs you?

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

01:17 / 16.05.02

see, thats the thing, normally i would say he needs me, but i really dont see how one more person is going to help him

never mind that it would be really hard for me to avoid making inapropriate statements based on both my views on suicides as well as my views on the "relationship" they had, which was always the shallow "I NEED SOMEONE AT THE CLUB WHO LOOKS GOOOOOD" kinda thing. I don't think i am going to head over there tonight

thanks for the advice all

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:19 / 16.05.02

Your. Friend. Is. Going. Through. One. Of. The. Most. Traumatic. Experiences. Ever. And. You. Have. Decided. To. Prioritise. Yoda.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

10:23 / 16.05.02

I hate to say it, but your mate may well be beating himself up over the shallowness of the r/ship right now.

Matthew Fluxington

11:30 / 16.05.02

Haus, that makes sense, but the way Elijah is writing, it doesn't even sound like this guy is even a very good friend to him, or at least that he doesn't care about him all that much. It doesn't seem like they are very close, and Elijah does give the impression that this is all a big hassle. If he feels that way, I think he should stay away from these people who are in real pain, he won't be any help to them. He should just go see the movie.

11:32 / 16.05.02

(struggling very very very hard not to be unnecessarily cruel...)

Star Wars is a film for children.

These events call for you to be a grown-up.

So which are you? A child or a grown-up?

It is, of course, entirely your call: but (I hope you don't mind my saying) if you even need to ask this question, you are in desperate need of some perspective.

gozer the destructor

11:41 / 16.05.02

I may have misunderstood here but, you've got some spare tickets to go watch attack of the clones?

ONLY NICE THINGS

11:56 / 16.05.02

I think I love Gozer the destructor. He has honed in on the important stuff like an Exocet.

Flux - true, if Elijah was going to turn up and go "Hey, your girlfriend was a skankbasket, I don't care that she's dead, suicide is a way to WEED OUT THE WEAK anyway, like what eugenics should be, and by the way I REALLY RESENT not being able to watch Jango Fett right about now because of your stupid-ass problems. I don't even like you that much!" then he's better off being at the movie. Or, you know, Anchorage.

12:06 / 16.05.02

As I understand all this, Elijah is basically saying that this guy isn't really a very good pal, or even much more than a nodding acquaintance. If you don't go see him, then that would be fine. I'd hardly expect him to be great mates with you after, though, would you?

pointless and uncalled for

12:17 / 16.05.02

There is an importance in being honest here. To your friends, to yourself and about your feelings.

My pigeon psychology code book tells me you might be avoiding what is a difficult mental and emotional situation that involves one lifes more tricky subjects.

However this should not nessecarily be construed as a bad thing. While support for friends is important, being ready to face and deal with things like this is important too.

I am likely to be wrong about this. However, you may want to think about the reasons you're doing what your doing and make sure you're right about it.

12:22 / 16.05.02

Or this: Star Wars will be playing in theaters for months to come. Your acquaintance can only kill herself once.

15:01 / 16.05.02

I seem to recall this was a midnight show anyway.

Overall, though, you need to be available to your friend.

That's a "need" up there, as in "must be."

Doesn't matter who his other friends are or what you thought of them.

Will he need you (or perceive a need for you) during those two hours?

Matthew Fluxington

15:13 / 16.05.02

I'm curious - don't you think it might be worse for Elijah to be there if his sentiment is insincere or half-hearted than for him not to be there at all? Being there out of a sense of hollow obligation seems like a mockery of the people who are grieving for their dead friend.

15:25 / 16.05.02

Flux: possibly, but it'll be a mockery known only to Elijah and whatever Gods sit in judgement on such things. If his friend/acquaintance benefits from his presence anyway, then isn't that a good thing?

Matthew Fluxington

15:55 / 16.05.02

I don't know. Judging by the way Elijah presented his dilemma, I'm rather dubious about how useful he'd be to his pal as a 'shoulder to cry on'. I think he should just stay out the way.

I don't know what sort of situation his pal is in, but it sounds like he has a lot of friends who are there for him, and I'm a firm believer in quality over quantity. If he's just got one or two people helping him through this in earnest, added half-hearted mourners are superfluous.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

16:21 / 16.05.02

It really doesn't matter whether you liked this girl or not. If this guy's going to feel worse because you're not there, you need to be there. If it's going to make him feel that he's less important to you than some film, don't go to the film.

All the people I know who work in movies and are still human, are still human because they hold one thing above all: it's just a fucking movie.

Incidentally, I've just seen it. It's not going to change your world. Go be a human being, for Christ's sake.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:35 / 16.05.02

Basic question is- will he need you/want you to be there, feel better if you are?
In which case, no contest.
Depends on your relationship with him, I guess. It could be that you being there if he knows it's just out of politeness would be worse than bad. It could be that just the extra human contact will make a world of difference.
'Syour call.