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History as it really happened--honest!

Margin Walker

00:18 / 16.05.02

Let's face it: history is either written by the victors or not written at all. So regale me with some stories on how things in the past the way they really happened. For example, the following is an eyewitness account of the invention of the phonograph. Many people believe that shit music has, until recently, always existed apart from shit drugs. But as you'll see nothing could be farther from the truth:

(Edison does big, fat line of coke, tweaks nose)

Yo, you know what would be killler? Like, way, WAY fuckin' killer? Like, check this out: "Mary had a little lamb, litlle lamb, little lamb... etc."

(does more coke, plays back the first recorded song ever)

"Omygod, OMYFUCKINGGOD!!! I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!" (does even more coke) This shit is like, so, like sooo mindexpansive 'n shit. Fuck man, I fucking RULE!!!"

the Fool

00:32 / 16.05.02

Edison then proceded to punch out nearest people that didn't agree with him and have sex with anyone he found remotely attractive...

mondo a-go-go

08:36 / 16.05.02

did edison need reconstructive nose surgery like daniella westbrook?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

09:51 / 16.05.02

He then woke up the next day with the mother of all comedowns, felt really grumpy and decided to invent the electric chair.

MJ-12

15:13 / 16.05.02

I remember someone doing a bit with Washington, Jefferson et al passing around some of George's kgb,

"Hey!" "Let's make a law so......when you're smoking this you can way whatever you want!"

Less searchable M0rd4nt

18:03 / 16.05.02

Edison then went to a party round Tesla's, to find Tesla fucked off his face on shrooms. He spent half an hour huddled in a corner talking to a piece of cheese which he belived was trying to kill him, then jumped on a table and began telling everybody how the cheese could help him make an earthquake generator.

grant

18:33 / 16.05.02

True story: Winston Churchill spent the night before D-Day jamming out on his electric guitar with a homemade fuzz pedal for that extra-fat distortion sound. Apparently blitz-burned Downing Street neighbors thought the strange whistling and crashing noises meant that a new buzzbomb attack was underway, and locked themselves into their home shelters.

Margin Walker

02:14 / 17.05.02

Famous last words:

"So, uh, you gonna eat that?"--Mama Cass*
"God, I've always hated her"--Abe Lincoln, regarding his wife Mary Todd
" "--Marcel Marceau

* It's a myth that Mama Cass died while eating a sandwich, but it does give me a chance to set up the joke: "Y'know, if Mama Cass would have given half of her sandwich to Karen Carpenter, they might both still be alive today."

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