1. Male or female? Male. (However, according to the Church of the Jockstrap, my inability to name the correct month for which the Superbowl is scheduled makes me a female, and I will spend eternity meekly supplying the faithful with Doritos and beer.)
2. Ninja or pirate? Pirate. (In furture centuries, however, this question will evolve to read "Romulan or Klingon?")
3. Crack smoking or non? Non. (Pyrophobic. Faint at the sight of open flame.)
4. Cats or symbiotic intestinal micro-organisms? Symbiotic intestinal micro-organisms. (Cats shed.)
5. Quilted comforter and good book on a quiet rainy night or gonzo bugfuck steel-toed hardcore dance scene? Quilted comforter and good book on a quiet rainy night. (Once tried the dance scene; was crushed beneath the boots of a petite fourteen-year-old girl who didn't notice me standing there.)
6. Saran Wrap or Queen Elizabeth? Saran Wrap. (Excellent containment field for giant zombie space amoebae. Keeps them from crawling out of the fruit crisper.)
7. Wesley Crusher and Anakin Skywalker joining forces to kick the shit out of France or Warren Ellis finishing his run on Planetary? Wesley Crusher and Anakin Skywalker joining forces to kick the shit out of France. (...while the Borg and the Tusken Raiders debate the finer points of fashion in the Middle East.)
8. Excluded from the misogynistic logocentric paradigm or swept up in the epiphany of transhistorical hypermodernism? Swept up in the epiphany of transhistorical hypermodernism. (But only if you reject Francis Fukuyama's teleological eschatology.)
9. "Reebok" anal probe or the "Cap'n Crunch" Cable News Network? "Reebok" anal probe. (Better to fart shoelaces than to be fed sugar-coated propaganda. Or, as Psycho "Star Wars" Guy said to George Lucas after the release of Episode One, "May the force of my foot in your ass be with you always.")
10. Lactose intolerant or irony deficient? Irony deficient. (Explain to me how "The Brady Bunch" is hip in a retro sort of way...one more time.)
11. Shoes or office supplies? Office supplies, baby. (Persephone, does your husband know that you're talking dirty to total strangers via coded subtexts?)
12. On or off? Off. (The insect repellent ain't just for mosquitos. Used to sniff it as a toddler.)
13. Do you want fries with that? I feel your pain. I, too, am a liberal arts major with no job prospects.
14. Baggy or tight? Tight. (Used diapers are baggy. Let me know when soiled Pampers come in style for anyone other than ravers.)
15. Bubble or regular? Bubble. (Throw in a rubber duckie and I'll stay in the tub until my fingers turn all pruney.)
16. Fez or stetson? Fez. (If it's good enough for Akbar and Jeff, it's good enough for me.)
17. Electric or blade? Blade. (If Denzel can win for "Training Day," Wesley better get a nomination for his work, too.)
18. Foaming at the lockjawed mouth with a tetanus-rabies combo or Michael Jackson being given a lifetime achievement award by "Effeminate Loonball Batshit Albino Pederast Magazine"?
19. Two hundred sixty-six infants named "Unique" or the high school kid who bet the resident trenchcoated psychopath that he (the psycho) wouldn't shoot him?
20. Head cheese or toaster ovens?
21. Funny-ha-ha or funny-strange? |
