Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Arse bollockwank effing gah

wembley can change in 28 days

06:17 / 12.05.02

So. Another night at the club. And a very dishy boy whom I met weeks ago asked if I wanted to go back to his place, and I didn't entirely mean to, but I brushed him off. This is starting to get habitual -some kind of horrible panic reaction kicks in and I turn people down. What the bloody hell is wrong with me? Am I a loser? A loser with a complex? Perhaps just a hopeless romantic? I'm single (for 1.5 years now) and skipping the country in three weeks, so logically I should be free to fool about with no consequences. Should I be trying to get over this? Or is my born-again virgin status going to make some rich suitor simply want me that much more when I turn him down for a trip to the Greek Islands? Arrrrrrrrrrghhhh!

06:34 / 12.05.02

Not all human beings do that, Wemb. I think some of us just aren't cut out for the one night stand, messing around kinda physical deal. I totally sound like my mom. Or my aunt. Or my mom's aunt. Anyway, no, you're not a loser, and dishy boys come with baggage like everything else.

06:57 / 12.05.02

logic doesn't come into these things! if you didn't really want to, then that's it. no problem. i used to sleep with any woman who asked me but i just don't need that any more. this may be a new way for you, or just the way you are right now.

spending the night alone does not make one a loser!

07:52 / 12.05.02

If it makes you feel any better, W, for the last 2 or 3 years every attempt I have made to screw around has ended up in dark, dank, misery (I think the gypsies may have cursed me) and I'm trying to train myself into the kind of panic reaction you describe.

The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess.

09:15 / 12.05.02

if you want to fuck someone, then fuck them. If you don't don't. If you feel like it and you convince yourself of a bullshit reason why this would be a bad idea, then shame on your undies. If someone else came along and said that you shouldn't sleep with the guy you're juicin' on and gave a flimsy excuse, then you'd be mad with them. If a person does it to themselves, somehow that's just fine, which it's just not.
And, hey look, he asked you to go back to his place and do a spin on his heart shaped waterbed, and that's a compliment, right? Cut yourself some slack, buddy.

09:48 / 12.05.02

Hell... I can't screw around either. And I fall in love when I shouldn't. And stay there. I am entirely too serious. I keep thinking, yeah, I'll finally become a teenager, at the advanced age of 21, and fuck around a bit...but it never happens. I think I am just not cut out for it. There's n'owt wrong with not sleeping around...and if you force yourself to do it when you don't really want to, you'll just find it incredibly depressing, methinks... and if you do really want to, then I agree with mikebro...easier said than done though. Sorry, that was not much help really, was it...

15:04 / 12.05.02

Aw wembley, Don't sweat it. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not a loser. (At the very least, you're in good company!

)

I can emphasize with the feelings of nervousness you describe when turning potential lovers down – it's not so much a "panic attack" for me, but more of an awareness that, in most cases, I've hurt someone's feelings or bruised someone's ego, and that I've closed the door on a certain possibility. It often feels strange and sad.

wembley can change in 28 days

15:42 / 12.05.02

Awwww, thanks, you lot. Sometimes I wonder if it's just that I can't sleep with someone I don't know intimately, but I'm more worried that it's just a complex I have - primarily about me not living up to standards in the visual department when I'm standing there nekkid. And I really do feel that I should get over that fear, not because my libido is ready to take me to court, but because I think it stops me from being comfortable in a number of social situations. I think (sadly) it has more to do with my ego than my sex drive.

Hopefully six months in the sauna will cure me of this.

15:44 / 12.05.02

what they said

There's nothing particularly normal about screwing around; some people like it, other people just don't get anything out of it and it goes against their natural temperament. I'm the latter - I went through a phase of giving it a try, but it so wasn't me, dahling. I just made a fool of myself and generally took it too far.

If you're leaving the country in a few weeks and you only really like longer-term relationships rather than shags, then it's only sensible not to start something that will just disturb you.

15:51 / 12.05.02

I know exactly what you mean... same problem...loads of social situations. From my own perspective, having lost a fuck of a lot of weight, I still see myself as the chubby schoolgirl who was teased, or the miserable flabby girl who got dumped by her boyfriend for a girl with depilatory cream model legs. I'm very fat-positive, but, unfortunately, not in relation to myself. Body image has a lot to answer for, and it does not seem to be something that can be easily reasoned with... reading what you said on the '...fat' thread makes me wonder if something similar isn't going on with you - stuck in your old body image, etc. Learning to accept yourself is not something that can generally be forced with regimes of fitness etc, though, obviously, they can help... Stop me if I sound like a complete arsehole. Sorry...

17:47 / 12.05.02

i had one g/f who went on and on and fucking on asking basically how i could live with myself for being fat but at the same time never let me out of bed for the whole time we were together (not very long, strangely enough).

i've slept with strangers who obviously aren't going to know or care for you - fulfilling a mutual need. slept with friends and it's been a nice, loving without luurve thing. and if someone says i'm beautiful, then excuse me but i believe that they think so. any woman i bring home is, of course, entitled to change their mind at any time and i will respect that. but i've learnt that anyone who thinks i don't live up to any required standard when i get my kit off can fuck off rather than give me a hard time about it.

05:19 / 13.05.02

THere's really something to be said for ronkaging people who you have no intention of going out with. Once time at band camp, I had sex with this flute player, and it was so great that my dick bought me flowers.
It's like, chicken soup for your...

uh yeah, okay. Um, go and fuck the guy, you'll feel better for it.

10:35 / 13.05.02

wembs -- i'm in the same state as you at the moment. actually, it's a bit different, because the only people i seem to get offers from these days are mates of mine, and even though they're cute and there's a mutual attraction, i keep turning them down. but that's mostly because i don't want to fuck up friendships and group dynamics.... not that screwing friends necessarily causes the friendships to bust up, in my experience, but it's just not what i'm after right now.

i rarely get chatted up by strangers these days. i think it's because most of the time i go out anywhere, i'm usually with male friends, and people will always make the assumption that i'm with male friends. [bah. people need to think outside the bloody box a bit more.] otherwise, the only people who chat me up are those awful predatory types who see me entirely as a pair of breasts and a bit of snatch, and you can tell that -- even if i was stupid enough to be interested -- it would make no difference to them whether they went home with me or with another girl, but they're gonna try and suave the lines on you whilst eyeing up anyone with bigger tits than me who happens to walk past...

btw, "ronkaging" is a fabulous word.

10:57 / 13.05.02

if its not for you, its not for you - you certainly shouldnt beat yourself up about it! pushing yourself to bed someone who doesnt send you into mad frenzies of desire is only going to end with the aforementioned misery.

and as for body image - Ive had every sort of self-esteem problem you can have. Im not educated smart pretty thin healthy active social thoughtful creative knowledgeable enough. and there will be people who like to remind you of this stuff - I say dump them, along with your fears. every ounce of it impedes on the fantastic time you should be having

Murray Hamhandler

14:36 / 14.05.02

i rarely get chatted up by strangers these days. i think it's because most of the time i go out anywhere, i'm usually with male friends, and people will always make the assumption that i'm with male friends. [bah. people need to think outside the bloody box a bit more.] -kookymojo

Yeah, but...how can one tell? I can't tell you how many times I've encountered this very problem. People who are 'together together' don't always exhibit signs of being 'together together' in a public setting, and sometimes people who are just friends hang all over one another. Some guys are really overprotective and are real assholes about you talking to 'their' girl. And maybe it's just me, but it seems a little gauche to go up to someone who looks interesting and ask, "So, are you with this guy? Is it alright for us to talk?". I dunno. I'm not exactly the king of the social scene so it may just be me who runs into this problem.
Arthur Sudnam, II

08:59 / 15.05.02

i dunno how one can always tell one way or the other.

but i'm very tactile and i flirt a lot and because of that, people will assume that i'm, y'know, intimately and physically involved with that person.

10:26 / 15.05.02

it may not be purely that they think you're with other people - for strangers, intruding into a group of obviously close friends is intimidating

11:53 / 15.05.02

Arthur Los Dos escibe: And maybe it's just me, but it seems a little gauche to go up to someone who looks interesting and ask, "So, are you with this guy? Is it alright for us to talk?". I dunno.

It could be worse. You could go up to the guy and say "Hey tiger, here's a fiver. Why dontchya get yerself some ice cream while I get to know your little friend here--in the biblical sense, ifyaknowwhutImean."