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The three great British inventions

 
  

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BioDynamo
15:31 / 05.05.02

A comrade said there are three great British inventions: football, the Working Class and Gin.

I was sad to correct him, in that Gin was created in an attempt to hinder the multitude in its enjoyment of spirits, by creating a law that demanded the addition of foul-tasting herbs such as juniper berries to strong spirits. Thus, Gin was originally not a great invention, but instead an attempt to cull and control the multitude, a weapon in the hands of the oppressor.

Does this leave only two great British inventions?

And what's so great about football and the Working Class?
 
 
Ganesh
15:36 / 05.05.02
Didn't the Aztecs invent football? (Or the Mayans? My grasp of Central American history ain't great...)
 
 
BioDynamo
15:40 / 05.05.02

The form of football invented by the British is the class-struggle-version that Mayday this year focused on. Meaning: an excuse to get a lot of rowdy under-class people together for a kickin' riot.

The Maya version (wich may have been a precursor) was a highly ritualized affair, which probably was quite boring. A spectator sport with possible ritual sacrifices at the end, not very participative at all.

Quite like modern day professional football, as opposed to modern day low-level football.

Long live FC Strike of Machno!
 
 
Ganesh
23:32 / 05.05.02
% As opposed to modern-day football, then, which is in no way "quite boring"... %
 
 
Trijhaos
23:38 / 05.05.02
Boring? Wasn't the mayan version the one that used the severed head of the sacrificial victim? Or was that the Aztecs? I know it was one of those groups.

That's not boring. It sounds pretty damn cool. Blood spurting all over the place if you kick the head wrong. Getting your toes stuck in the squishy eyes.
 
 
m. anthony bro
01:19 / 06.05.02
hey, don't forget (1) cricket and (2) canada.
 
 
Saint Keggers
02:04 / 06.05.02
and australia.
 
 
BioDynamo
07:43 / 06.05.02

If I recall correctly, the heads of the winning (or losing, depending on interpretation of the carvings) team in the Mayan or Aztec cultures may have been ritually or symbolically severed. That happened after the match was over.

I wouldn't concider cricket a great invention, since it seems to primarily have contributed to the upholding of the class system (much like Gin) and to the military success of the British. Neither of these seems to me a good thing.

Canada and Australia are not inventions, but sections of an empire. Imperialism is probably also invented by Brits, but is not included as a great invention for the same reason as cricket and Gin.
 
 
w1rebaby
08:18 / 06.05.02
I don't class football as much of an invention; the only thing good about it is that all you need to play is a ball, and people, no other equipment, so can be sort of a guerilla sport. But in that sense, boxing is even better, all you need is two people.

While gin may have a history of oppression it's been reclaimed by the dedicated boozer and turned into something actually very pleasant. The street finds its own use for things. So the original may not have been a great invention, but its reclamation was.

What about the Dyson, eh?
 
 
Rev. Orr
08:32 / 06.05.02
Imperialism invented by the British? I'm not sure exactly what the Romans, Persians, Egyptians, Chinese and many others were ruling over then. We didn't even invent the word.

And as for cricket, it's not a means of ensuring the class system, it's a complicated magickal ritual for the distortion of the fourth dimension. Ever noticed how slowly time moves within the field of play that just 'happens' to resemble a faerie ring?
 
 
Jack Fear
12:11 / 06.05.02
Just as a point of order: gin was invented by the Dutch, and disparaged as an insidious foreign plot to destroy English womanhood when women defected en masse from beer to gin—hence the name "mother's ruin."

Carry on.
 
 
grant
17:24 / 06.05.02
Asphalt.

Umm... train tracks.


Sherlock Holmes.
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
17:28 / 06.05.02
Underground rail transportation (subway/underground/chube)
 
 
gridley
19:05 / 06.05.02
Morrisey?
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
19:10 / 06.05.02
Morrisey isn't an invention, like courderoy he's more of an accident that became fashionable and then ended up as more of an irking memory of something drab and dull.
 
 
gridley
20:24 / 06.05.02
I used to know a guy who claimed that every time his mother dressed him in corduroy pants as a child, he would end up pissing his pants during the schoolday. His mother insisted on forcing him to overcome this problem by buying even more corduroy pants for him. It is, I believe, a point of contention between them to this very day.
 
 
mondo a-go-go
10:47 / 07.05.02
television.

and computers.
 
 
Fra Dolcino
11:25 / 07.05.02
And queuing.


And rain.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
11:28 / 07.05.02
The hovercraft, damn it! And the bouncing bomb.
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
11:49 / 07.05.02
Lawn Tennis.

The British may not have invented gin, but they are almost certainly responsible for the combination of gin and tonic water.

The girls' school story.
 
 
Fra Dolcino
12:37 / 07.05.02
Evolution.
 
 
Saveloy
15:21 / 07.05.02
Haus:

"The hovercraft, damn it!"

Too pissing right! I'll second that and add:

2 - The jet engine

3 - The sandwich

Joker (in case it turns out one of the above is foreign - Sewers (and pumping stations)

Put the three together and you have the makings of a very civilised and entertaining afternoon indeed.
 
 
rizla mission
16:21 / 07.05.02
And the Gattling Gun!

no .. hang on .. they aren't cool, are they? I just thought they were when I was 8..
 
 
Rev. Orr
13:20 / 09.05.02
Never mind a real Gatling gun this:

The best ever use of office supplies!

is the coolest thing ever to come out of Britain.

"Rubber band warfare has taken on a whole new dimension. At 560 rounds a minute, this behemoth with its 360 degree field of fire will give you total supremacy. "
 
 
Char Aina
20:27 / 03.06.03
And as for cricket, it's not a means of ensuring the class system, it's a complicated magickal ritual for the distortion of the fourth dimension. Ever noticed how slowly time moves within the field of play that just 'happens' to resemble a faerie ring?


fuck, i really hope so...
 
 
waxy dan
10:13 / 04.06.03
"mother's ruin." Horrible: I thought that name came from it's use as an aid in illegal abortions?
 
 
Smoothly
10:21 / 04.06.03
And Gravity! What about gravity? Where would we be without that?

But the sandwich. Is that really a British invention? I know the story about the Earl and his penchant for bread-based snacks at the poker table, but were people really not wrapping things in bread before the 18th century? Really?
 
 
Lullaboozler
12:00 / 04.06.03
Don't forget the World Wide Web - that was one of ours:

Clickety click

...even if Al Gore did try and claim he invented the Internet.
 
 
MJ-12
13:09 / 05.06.03
The British may not have invented gin, but they are almost certainly responsible for the combination of gin and tonic water.

The G&T was created for the British sodjers in far off posts, with three ingredients

Tonic, to guard against the dreaded cholera.
Lime, to guard against the dreaded scurvy.
Gin, to guard against the dreaded sobriety.
 
 
Jack Fear
13:28 / 05.06.03
Was it cholera against which G&Ts were guarding? Admittedly, if you stick to G&Ts and avoid the local water, that would be effective, since cholera is spread through contaminated water: but the bitter ingredient in tonic water is quinine, which is used (in high concentrations) to treat malaria.
 
 
MJ-12
13:33 / 05.06.03
um...I was testing you.
 
 
Jub
13:53 / 05.06.03
HP Sauce
Wagon Wheels
Chicken Tikka Masala
 
 
Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
15:05 / 05.06.03
The blessed FLUSHABLE loo people, without it where would all the chicken tikka masala end up?
 
 
Saveloy
15:47 / 05.06.03
So, really, it should be:

1. Chicken Tikka (or sandwiches)

2. The flushable loo

3. Sewers (without which the chicken tikka/sandwiches would just pile up behind the toilet)
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
22:38 / 05.06.03
%Yeah, 'cos those Romans just copied the Picts.%
 
  

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