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There's a circle in hell where someone has my bicycle

wembley can change in 28 days

15:10 / 18.04.02

Last night I came out of the gym on campus to discover that my bicycle was missing, along with the post to which I'd locked it. Lucky for me and my blood pressure, I tend not to get too worked up over the loss of objects (unless it's a passport), but this has me slightly bummed. May the fuckwits who stole my bike end up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire.

Please use the space below to offer your personal curses to bicycle (or other varieties of) thieves.

15:13 / 18.04.02

Bicycle thieves are very naughty. I knew a girl who had her bike (same bike) stolen three times - managed to buy it back twice when it turned up somewhere or other, but frankly could not be arsed the third time. You have my sympathies, wembley.

15:14 / 18.04.02

May they be plagued with slugs in the trousers.

15:26 / 18.04.02

Thieving bastards deserve osteoporosis in their hands.

The Return Of Rothkoid

15:27 / 18.04.02

May imminent seat-collapse and becoming-one-with-rusty-seat-pole be the next joy for them to behold.

Alternately, a come-to-Jesus swan-dive over the front of the handlebars would be another good future for 'em.

wembley can change in 28 days

15:30 / 18.04.02

This is making me feel better already...

15:32 / 18.04.02

Let's hope that a freak accident will create a spark that lights the chain oil, the flames from which will leap to their pants leg and race up their body with a speed heretofore unknown to firekind. The bike'll be left relatively undamaged and by a strange conicidence they'll be riding past your place, and you will be greeted by your bike lying on the pavement covered with a fine grey powder, the final remains of the theiving bastard.

Zoom.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:33 / 18.04.02

My flatmate had her bike nicked (from our fucking house!) last week- I'm in line for a lot of overtime back-payment this coming month, which is also her birthday, so I said I'd get her a new one. Betcha wish you lived with someone as stupid as me, huh?
That said, I wish I'd paid attention while she still had it, so I could throw sticks between the spokes if I saw anyone riding the fucker...

15:35 / 18.04.02

Awww, isn't that sweet? Good Karma points, methinks, stoatie.

16:37 / 18.04.02

In my home, the Rose City, it is said that stolen bicycles are the main form of currency. My friend Doug Nagy, The Sinister Ukelele Minstrel wrote a song about the loss of his cherished custom BMX.

Gotta go to your buddy’s house
To hit on the killer bong
And you don’t have a ride
So you steal my bike
That I’ve had for eight years

I’m left crying
And you’ll probably just
Throw it in the canal anyway
I want to cry
Don’t know what to do

But I don’t know what to do
I know you’re going to get yours
I don’t know what to say
But I know you’re going to get yours
Won’t you listen to reason
You’re going to reap what you sow

If it will make you feel any better, you can find the above song at http://www.room101.net/dougnagy/samples.htm under the title Reap. Verily it is full of rage!

17:07 / 18.04.02

Empathies, Wembley. Someone once cut down the tree that my bike was chained to (wasn't a big tree, but not a sapling either, else I wouldn't have chained my bike to it).

06:40 / 19.04.02

Hey, I thought we considered thieving revolutionary round these parts?

07:30 / 19.04.02

Hell no. In my book, bike theft is only a couple notches above horse rustling & skullduggery. It's just something that nobody, and I mean nobody, has a right to do. There have been plenty of times I could've stolen bikes here, but never considered it for more than a nanosecond.

13:13 / 19.04.02

S/he will crash down on the crossbar, and the pain will be enough to make a shy, bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass murder.

Um, actually, maybe we don't want the bicycle thief to become a mass murderer. Scratch that. But sympathy, wembley, that simultaneously sucks and blows.

wembley can change in 28 days

15:11 / 19.04.02

Yeah. Stealing bikes is really the lowest of the low; to steal mode of transportation from someone who obviously has limited means to begin with. On the other hand, if I had a car and it was stolen, I'd probably be making that face that Nick Moran wears in Lock, Stock when he's just lost the card game. This was only a $300 bike. But still.

To be honest, I had to get rid of that bike as I'm moving to Europe at the end of may, and the frame was too small for me anyway. The small frame actually aggravated my patello-femoral syndrome in my knees (as opposed to the patello-femoral hamster dance in my soul), and as my right knee's been the slower healer, I've favoured it on the bike and as a result, my left quadricep is way bigger than my right. I figured this out while trying on pants at the GAP last week. I'm very perturbed.

But I was at least hoping to use the money from selling my bike to buy myself a new one in Berlin or Helsinki (depending on which place has the cheaper bikes). And now I have to walk, like any underdeveloped biped. Sigh. Disgraceful.