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Venting

12:51 / 14.04.02

I'm putting on weight again after losing lots of it, and I don't seem to be able to find it in myself to care much. I'm abusing laxatives almost daily, stuffing myself constantly, not starving myself like I feel I should be. I spend all my time eating and sleeping and farting about, not working like I ought to be (I've got 2 weeks to write 6,000 words of assessed reports for the final year of my degree, and I'm the proud owner of a complete mental block).

I'm self harming a bit at the moment - cutting with knives, razorblades, glass. Burning with matches and hot metal. I managed to uncover a fat deposit with my knife last week, and it was terrifying, and satisfying, and since then, everything else pales in comparison, but I have been unable to cut deeply again, too frightened - which makes me feel even worse, like a gigantic wimp.

Sometimes I feel like chucking it all in. I'm on fluoxetine 40mg, and seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow, for the first time in about a year. I would've posted this under another name, if the no new members policy had not been operational - instead I guess I get to embarrass myself. Anyway, please don't offer me sympathy or help - ignore everything I just said. I just wanted to vent. Please feel free to use this thread yourselves to a similar end - vent your 'petty' frustrations, your major freak-outs, your life crises...

Sorry, and thanks.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

13:43 / 14.04.02

none

13:51 / 14.04.02

I only know a little about venting - that I'm really bad at it.

Generally, the only times that I "share" involve me getting drunk/high/off my face and then obsessively riding a self loathing, depressive wave. Your vent seems pretty well adjusted by comparison and if it helps you then I'd consider it a worthwhile thread.

I know you don't want it, but you have a bucket of sympathy from me. No rejections are possible since I'm dumping it over you like toxic waste or that green goo that they use on kids tv shows. It'll cling to you for weeks.

I know it doesn't really help, but although no one understands exactly what you are going through, there are people who have a good idea.

Be strong if you can.

*hugs*

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:16 / 14.04.02

Tough- you're getting sympathized with, whether you like it or not.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I wish there was something I could do or say to help.

I don't want to frighten you or put pressure on you, but there's a couple of things I must tell you. First off: please, please, don't abuse laxatives. They will not help you control your weight. You aren't getting rid of calories, you're getting rid of fluid and vital electrolytes which you need to stay alive and healthy.

As to self-harming: are you getting support for this? Are you at least taking care of the injuries, making sure that they are dressed and don't get infected? Self-harming can give you a temporary release of tension, but the aftereffects can be devastating.

Your perceived "wimping out" is not weakness. It is strength. The thing you see as shameful is the voice of the strong, living part of you, fighting for self-preservation. You should be proud, not ashamed.

As to overeating: Come on. Everyone's eating patterns are affected by stress, and deep down you know this. When the big push is over you'll be able to get your eating patterns back to normal. You don't deserve to starve. Hell, I could eat for England when I'm stressed- are you going to come round and tell me off? 'Course not.

Like I say, I wish I could help you with this. All I can say is hang in there- we'll all be thinking of you.

(((hugs)))

14:22 / 14.04.02

Have PMed you, Cholister. Advice isn't what you're seeking but do hang in there and don't punish yourself anymore than you have to - and don't punish yourself for punishing yourself...

14:32 / 14.04.02

Oh, and watch with the glass. There's always the risk that glass will splinter minutely and slivers will lodge themselves more deeply in the wound, cause inflammation and (depending where you're cutting) fuck up tendons, and so on. S'why glass injuries are usually x-rayed.

14:59 / 14.04.02

This reminds me to get that paragraph on the photos out to you TODAY. I will e-mail it to you.

Mordant is absolutely correct when she says that giving voice to your frustration is a sign of strength, not weakness.

16:45 / 14.04.02

Aw, Chol. Things seem to be building up pretty badly. Not much advice - Ganesh is your best bet - other than try to take a step back and realise that shit happens and you can't let it fuck you up too much. You're not Superwoman, you can't do everything at once. Concentrate on the college stuff and I'm sure once you get into it you'll focus yourself and not worry too much about the other stuff.

Big Saxy hugs.

And steady the buffs on the cutting. If you want to cut something, buy a roast chicken.