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I'm not exactly shy, given that I'm a talkative bastard and ought to shut up more. But some types of people make me shy. Many people at school did; I could get a pile of people to tell you I wasn't the most sociable person, not exactly a hit with the lay-deez, and pretty awkward to get on with.
But to be honest, it was because a lot of them weren't my kind of person. Now I'm away from that environment, and in one (university) where there are far more people-vaguely-like-me-if-you-squint, and more to the point, people-who-are-going-to-be-the-type-of-people-i-like, i'm far less awkward.
Thing is, I have automatic reactions to hide awkwardness, usually crap sarcastic jokes, and if in doubt, being rude to people. If they think I'm really being rude I either a) cower and apologise and tell them i actually like them (normally if they're female and i find them attractive... but it's clearly pointless if they can't tell when i'm joking or b) relax, safe in the knowledge they wouldn't like me. They then realise I'm pleasant and that I was just being rude to them unavoidably. The jokes/rudeness thing is almost gone, it's always part of me, but it's not an instinctive reaction if I can't cope.
I guess people at school didn't get that they were never asking the right questions. It's really, really hard to explain, but it's best explained that they think you're weird when you don't give them the answers they expect, but in fact it's them asking the wrong questions.
They also didn't quite get what's wrong with being a geek. OK. I'm pinning it down. The people that irritate me are the people who find it amusing/funny when I can't answer the question "what's your favourite film" definitley or in about ten seconds, and I get frustrated, and try to explain that you can't have ONE. And they think you're funny because you're weird like that and get worked up, and you find it frustrating that people can have one favourite film. And it's even more frustrating when it changes weekly, but they don't admit to having many? Do you see? When I say "geek" I mean a broad variety of things.
Thankfully, I'm now out of there (still a geek, though, and proud). Never shy. But definitely awkward. Still am in many ways, but it doesn't get in the way 99 times out of 100 now. Only worrying thing is if I'm not sure if I'm quite "me" yet, haven't been for a year or two, but at least I'm comfortable-ish in whatever this state is. |
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