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The Worst Record Review of All Time

Matthew Fluxington

20:27 / 05.04.02

Inspired by a bit of nostalgia from my old board, I went back and looked up a much maligned review of Radiohead's Kid A from Pitchfork, just to see if it was still funny. Oh, let me tell you - this thing ages like fine wine. Some highlights:

"The butterscotch lamps along the walls of the tight city square bled upward into the cobalt sky, which seemed as strikingly artificial and perfect as a wizard's cap..."

"..like witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax"

"A teardrop of fire shot from space and disappeared behind the church where the syrupy River Arno crawled. Radiohead had the heavens on their side."

Seriously. This is the purplest prose this world may have ever seen...

Anyone care to mention any other horrible reviewers/reviews?

Matthew Fluxington

20:28 / 05.04.02

Oh god - how could I forget to mention "crustaceans of worries"?

videodrome

21:08 / 05.04.02

I find that I just can't trust Pitchfork. There's way too many jaded uber-hip indie twits writing their reviews, and I'm just about done with people who are bored with music. Either that, or you've got kids writing stuff like the review Flux quoted.

But I find myself tuning in for the sake of the news reportage, even though based on the timeliness with which they report stuff I already know, I have to assume most of their news is kinda old as well.

Anyway. I don't really have a good 'worst' review. [/thread rot]

Murray Hamhandler

01:33 / 06.04.02

Yeah, I don't mean to sound as bitchy as most of the Pitchfork kids seem to be, but most of their music reviews easily qualify as some of the worst that I've ever read. Some of them only tangentially qualify as reviews. A lot of whining about their indie-rock lives and, oh yeah, here's a little something about the album that I'm supposed to be reviewing and it sucks because, I don't know, my hair isn't awesome enough today. As you go back further in their archives, you can read a lot of terse and to-the-point reviews. Nowadays, they're fucking term papers that read like they're inspired solely by a combination of whatever drugs are cool this week and the writer's heightened sense of self-satisfaction. Sigh... Sorry, I just know too many kids who are like this IRL to be wholly objective.
Arthur Sudnam, II

Our Lady of The Two Towers

08:28 / 06.04.02

There was a review of 'Eraserhead' on Epinions by someone who hadn't seen the film and another by someone who hadn't seen the film for about 25 years.

rizla mission

09:20 / 06.04.02

That's fantastic. The HP Lovecraft of music journalism.. maybe.

Has all the trademarks of the 'I (pretend to) take drugs and don't edit' school.

I would link to some more laughable reviews, but sadly they're all by me.

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:49 / 08.04.02

Riz:
I would link to some more laughable reviews, but sadly they're all by me.
Does everyone who writes reviews say this? I only ask, as you beat me to the punch, bastard. Although I once described a tune as

like a drunken trumpet having an involved shouting match with the ensemble, and attempting to leave the venue, pack its bags and move out to the country.

I'd like to think I'm not approaching that review's level of craptitude. Yet.

Shortfatdyke

12:09 / 08.04.02

the radiohead review is truely amazing, the stuff of legend. however, i cannot be too judgemental: if i only had copies of the precious anarcho fanzines i used to write, i'm sure i could embarass myself royally. english barbefolk could do worse than read 'pseud's corner' in private eye, for similar, though not always music related, cringe making stuff.

higuita

14:35 / 08.04.02

I was once forced to use 'sonic cathedral of sound' in a review - I think it was for Skunk Anansie. And believe me, I was forced. I wasn't happy.

By way of thread subversion, one of the favourite reviews I did involved the phrase 'the lead singer should be probed anally with a cattleprod for ever daring to inflict his warbling elvis impression upon an audience'. Or something along those lines. Sadly, it was never published, as the rest of the review followed much the same tone. Ah, happy days.

I also got hate mail from a marilyn manson fan, who called me a worm because I joking said I was too scared to listen to Antichrist Superstar all the way through. No sense of humour.

The Natural Way

16:18 / 08.04.02

When you say you were forced, do you mean you were told to write it?

Someone actually asked you to include the words 'sonic', 'cathedral' and 'sound' in conjunction?

Was it important to them? And do they need more love?

rizla mission

16:22 / 08.04.02

like a drunken trumpet having an involved shouting match with the ensemble, and attempting to leave the venue, pack its bags and move out to the country.

Now, you see, I think that's really good.. in fact I'll remember it for future reference.

My favourite recent bit of writing was from an NME review of Melt Banana that described the guitar playing as being like;

"..Thurston Moore having his intestines sucked out through his arse while rogue star-fighters strafe the audience with laser fire"

which is, brilliantly, completely accurate.

higuita

12:31 / 09.04.02

Yup - I was told to do it, Runce.

It was very important to the person who made me do it. They said they wouldn't love me any more if I didn't. I guess that answers your question.

I never asked why. I'm not only left in the dark, but I'm also ashamed.

As for "..Thurston Moore having his intestines sucked out through his arse while rogue star-fighters strafe the audience with laser fire" I'm just glad it didn't happen to me.

Oh well, while I'm confused and ashamed in the dark, I might as well check out the contents of my pants...

Fengs for the Memory

12:41 / 09.04.02

That last sentence Mry. Sounds like a review of a Slipknot gig.

Shortfatdyke

12:49 / 09.04.02

i remember a fanzine describing the revolting cocks as having a 'gang raping' kind of sound. it was meant as a compliment, and i did express concern in my usual laid back style. never found out why it was used as a compliment.

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