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Cheating.

  
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
21:27 / 28.03.02
The other week it was my partners birthday. They will be referred to as A. As planned, we all went out, and fun and much drinking was had. I was very very drunk.

Anyway, A went home, and I was left with my friends. So it was decided that I would go to someone's house and drink more. We shall call them B. I was even more drunk than before.

Now, I happened to wake up in B's bed. This is bad. It didn't go too far, but kissing - little hazy - passing out.

I feel awful about this. Do I tell A about B? I feel like I should be honest... and yet, I really don't want to hurt A. I'm in love with them. Everything is ok with B, as we have spoken, and apologised to each other for utmost drunkeness.

I have been with A for around three months. We're in love. I really don't know why this even happened. B is a friend (of mine) and I really really don't know why I did that. Or why I let it happen.

I really don't want to ruin things with A because of a silly drunken mistake. Any advice would be much appreciated.
 
 
—| x |—
21:53 / 28.03.02
Hmm...this is a tough situation which I don't see any perfect resolution to. I can appreciate your desire to be honest with A, but I can also appreciate that A might not be too fond of the news. How do you feel A will respond if you tell? Are you sure that your encounter with B is not more than the drunken mistake you make it out to be? Is there any chance that it could happen again? How do you feel about carrying around this secret, if you should decide not to tell? Would you be able to leave it behind you, or is going to plague you and eat its way into your relation with A? That is, are you going to end up distrustful of A as a result of your own guilt?

So, not really advice, but some questions you can ask yourself to help figure out your move.

All the best,
m3
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
22:18 / 28.03.02
How do you feel A will respond if you tell? Badly, most likely. I can't really imagine it though, as everything so far has been so good. We've never argued or anything. A is quite innocent, deep down.

Are you sure that your encounter with B is not more than the drunken mistake you make it out to be? Yes, quite.

Is there any chance that it could happen again? Sadly, yes. But I'm going to try and learn to have some self control, and less reliance on alcohol for my social skills. I don't want to make anyone feel bad, I don't want to make myself feel bad, and I don't want to act like this and don't want these things to happen. And that's something I'm going to try and make happen.

How do you feel about carrying around this secret, if you should decide not to tell? Strangely, and slightly sickeningly, fine. I have spoken to A since, and it was absolutely fine. Which is just wrong.

Would you be able to leave it behind you, or is going to plague you and eat its way into your relation with A? I might worry that A could find out, and I would prefer for A to hear it from me. I feel like I should tell...

That is, are you going to end up distrustful of A as a result of your own guilt? I'm always wary and paranoid anyway. I suffer from anxiety attacks. A is one of the only things in my life that can make me feel better...

I'm really unsure of what to do. As an aside though, I've been taking anti-depressants for a while, and I feel they affect me quite badly and have been largely responsible for some very odd and erratic behaviour when I drink. Also, supposedly, they make you feel less emotion. You know what you should feel in your head, but it's never quite real. Like you can't cry. Does that make sense? Not trying to justify anything, but feel that this is among some of the facts which will help build up a decent picture of everything.

Really don't know what to do. I just want to sleep and never wake. I mean, sure, that can sound overly dramatic, but it's true. I've never felt so upset as when I woke up and realised that everything was actually like this and it wasn't the bad dream I thought/hoped it was.

Sorry. I don't deserve A anyway, I think I know this.
Am I trying to tell myself something by acting like this?

Excuse my somewhat erratic nature. I don't know how to post about this properly.

I just wish there was some solution... and yet I know there's no easy way out.
 
 
Horus lord of force and fire
22:31 / 28.03.02
You've got ISSUES!
 
 
Cherry Bomb
22:45 / 28.03.02
"You've got ISSUES!"

Ah, but who doesn't?

Anyway, uh, well speaking as someone who has almost certainly engaged in worse errors in judgement after a night of drinking, hey, stupid behavior happens when too much alcohol is involved, and I feel you.

It's really up to you whether or not you want to tell A. I'm a big believer in honesty being a key component in a healthy ingredient in a relationship, so I would just tell A what happened. But this is your call. You say he would take it badly, and so I guess my question to you is HOW badly? Do you think he could deal? Is this person worth actually working through the shit you'll stir on this issue? You say you two are on in love, so then I say yes.

You say you don't know why things happened with B, but then you say that same situation could happen again, so then you kind of DO know why things happened. Either you can't control your behavior when drinking, or you want some play outside of your relationship with A. I'd be far more concerned about the former.

Finally, all ya did was kiss B.. doesn't sound too grevious to me.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
22:55 / 28.03.02
Well, if someone that I was not only in love with, but in a relationship with, cheated on me--even if it was only kissing--it would still be a grievous error in my esteem.

As for telling A, crap. That's tough. In one respect, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who wouldn't be honest with me. In another, sometimes I think that complete disclosure is a very selfish act, one that for the secret-holder relieves guilt of carrying the secret while inflicting grief on an innocent party.

So, I think that there is no *right* answer. Good luck in whatever you decide. Take care of A.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
23:21 / 28.03.02
Ok.

1. Cut down on drinking. At least avoid mixing with medication. Stop idolising rock stars and people that drink too much. Result: stop acting like a twat.

2. Tell A. Have to wait till Monday because of work. Possibly a good idea to avoid speaking to A on phone? Am supposed to tomorrow (and probably every day in all honesty) but I want to do this in person. Won't be able to handle a phone conversation without telling A now. Not sure how to make this work. Must be adamant that I love A.

And, clarification, it *may* have been a bit more than kissing. Not sure how *much* more. But from speaking to B, it didn't go too far so it couldn't have been *much* more... urk. But anyway, I don't understand the distinction, I mean, it's not like I'd kiss my mother like that...
 
 
moriarty
23:44 / 28.03.02
Speaking as someone who has been in the same situation (minus the alcohol) things like this have a habit of turning around and biting you square on the ass, no matter how long you can keep the secret.
 
 
Cherry Bomb
00:58 / 29.03.02
"Stop idolizing rock stars..."

Heh. This is actually advice I should REALLY start following.

I would want to know if someone I was in a serious relationship had fooled around with someone else. I'm personally pretty laissez-faire about such things and would not really mind so much if my S.O. had gotten a little play with another person - but I would be horribly upset if they lied to me about it, or kept it a secret. I of course can't speak for A, but in the grand scheme of things, which is worse: your partner cheating, or your partner cheating and then keeping it from you?

Still, good luck my friend...
 
 
wembley can change in 28 days
02:09 / 29.03.02
I'd really rather have my partner cheat on me and not tell me, but only given the following condition: I never, ever find out. If I find out even years later, it's worse than if he told me straight out.

So there you have it. Choose your poison, I suppose. But hey, I suppose sometimes it happens. It's not really that evil, right?
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:41 / 29.03.02
Tsk. It's all about A, isn't it? What about poor B! They've been nursing a crush on your for years, and they thought they were finally in there...

Also, this talk of cutting back on alcohol scares me, particularly the bit about idolising/glamorising stupidly drunken behaviour. If only because I empathise far, far too much.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
11:33 / 29.03.02
Tsk. It's all about A, isn't it? What about poor B! They've been nursing a crush on your for years, and they thought they were finally in there...

Noooo! It's ok, as we spoke (albeit briefly) and everything seemed ok. They said they were sorry, were very drunk, and nothing much happened and that it wasn't that bad. I think I can go with that...

Also, this talk of cutting back on alcohol scares me, particularly the bit about idolising/glamorising stupidly drunken behaviour. If only because I empathise far, far too much.

Oh, it scares me too. But I really think it's something I should do, if only to show A I really do care... (And also stop my behaviour, which lately has been awful. Aside from this incident, I haven't actually been out with any money for as long as I can remember. People either buy me drinks or I just *take* them... oh there's more, but I don't feel I should go in to it all. It would just make a long list of embarassing incidents, but I think I do probably have a bit of a problem... )

Anyway, I'm going to see if A wants to stay over on Sunday. And then - hopefully - we can talk everything through properly, and I can explain everything to them...
 
 
sleazenation
11:35 / 29.03.02
maybe stopping driking is uncessary but taking responsibility for ones actions and desires whist drunk definitely is.
 
 
sleazenation
11:37 / 29.03.02
well, taking responsibility for ones desires and actions whilst not drunk is pretty important too i guess...
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
11:51 / 29.03.02
Well, lately I just haven't been able to control my behaviour when drunk. And this is very scary. I put it down to my medication combined with the alcohol, and thus drinking seems like a bad idea at the moment. Unfortunately this hasn't stopped me doing it, but I think this particular incident might. I think I've gone too far with this, and I really, really want to stop doing things that I actually *don't* want to do... because, at the moment at least, I'm partly responisble for A's feelings as well and so I have to stop.

If it were just me, I'd happily descend further in to oblivion.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
12:26 / 29.03.02
I agree with The Apple-Picker - I think that it is important to consider how much emotional damage the truth may inflict upon poor A. This is the sort of thing that could effect all of A's relationships for the rest of their life.

If there was absolutely no way for A to ever find out, I'd suggest keeping it to yourself, and cleaning up your act, and hopefully it was an isolated incident that will be a reminder to you to never screw up again, and it doesn't need to hurt A or your relationship with A.

However, this is an imperfect world, and A might find out one way or another, and odds are A might be more upset if time had passed, whether they are being rational about it or not. It's a gamble, either choice is risky, the worst outcomes of either tell the truth or not are about the same. Do what you think feels right, I guess. If you want to relieve yourself of guilt, then tell A. If you want to maybe spend a little more time in romantic happyland with A, then keep your mouth shut and cut down on your drinking.
 
 
netbanshee
12:48 / 29.03.02
...I'd especially watch the mixture of anti-depressants and alcohol. Xanex for example will do some crazy shit to you when there's a few drinks introduced. Keep in mind that it's hard to think of A, B, etc. when these substances are around so by all means be careful. Also consider not only the causes of said behavior, but the enviro you are in. I generally try to avoid cumbersome situations since it may make things hard for my partner and I. That way, if you don't practice control, the consequences are far less harsh.

I personally have never had control issues when under the influence since self-control comes easy for me. Is A very similar? It may be a bit hard to understand...but I applaude you for think about honesty first. It gives meaning to the word love.
 
 
Cherry Bomb
13:23 / 29.03.02
Do you wonder if alcohol is kind of just giving you the excuse to do the things you know are wrong but want to do anyway? Or do you just want the oblivion?

I certainly like my drink myself, so on the one hand I feel for you. But I hate being completely out of control so on the other hand I don't. Which, again is not to say I haven't done foolish things while drunk, because, oh, believe you me, I have. I think it's good you're owning up to your behavior, however.


I guess the question kind of comes down to what you think you can live with and what A can live with to some extent, don't you think?
 
 
moriarty
13:47 / 29.03.02
A will find out, one way or another. It might not be until years later, and it may not even be at a time when you two are still in contact, but if this involved people you both know in any way, A will find out.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
13:54 / 29.03.02
I'm going to tell A as soon as I can see them.
I'm going to try and explain everything as best I can.
I'm hoping that A can understand, and also see that I'm really going to try and change. I don't want to be so out of control, and I'm going change that.

Really, this kind of behaviour isn't like me at all. That's the only reason I put it down to the mixture of medication and alcohol. I know I shouldn't have been drinking lately, have suffered from pretty nasty blackouts when I have, and been shocked by some of the things I have done. It doesn't really justify what happened, because I don't think it can be, but it can go some way to explaining it...
 
 
A
13:54 / 29.03.02
the fact that you got rolling drunk and went home with B and kissed or whatever, but DIDN'T shag B, should count for something, i should imagine.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
13:59 / 29.03.02
the fact that you got rolling drunk and went home with B and kissed or whatever, but DIDN'T shag B, should count for something, i should imagine.

Does it though? I don't think so, seems to me that one's just as bad as the other. One's just somehow that much worse. And unfortunately, for all I know, I might have. I am, however, relying on B's words that it didn't go that far. I just wish I knew for myself.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
17:40 / 29.03.02
Other things which might help: I have been with A for around three months. I was their "first", I think.

Just trying to squeeze some more advice out... I think I need it.
 
 
kid coagulant
18:24 / 29.03.02
Lady G, I usually don't post to threads like this but if you're experiencing blackouts when you drink then you need to stop drinking. And if you decide to tell A, you need to be prepared for A to take it badly, and you can't use that as an excuse to go get drunk again and make things worse. Take care of yourself, that's the most important thing. You can work things out w/ A if the two of you care for each other, but it won't be easy. Good luck.
 
  
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