My first Creation thread. Please, don't be gentle: rip this apart if you feel you have to.
The following is one of the few poems I've actually written. Most of my stuff is pretty metered and hammered into a song stucture, whereas this isn't. However, I'm curious to see whether it can be reshaped as a song.
That's where you lot come in. Besides feedback, I'd welcome any attempts to rewire it into more of a song structure format (particularly considering you have no idea what it's about apart from through your own interpretations). Any and all ideas are welcome.
Erotica
Baby, baby blue-grey
My child, so proud of you
Your limbs are kaleidoscopic
Circle-circle in the sky
I love you... come back for me
You’re like my Japanese babies
I love them better for the Bomb
You know I need to dominate
And I’m caught in playful guessing
If you were boy or girl
In these blue skies, scattered clouds
We bought the gods to war on earth
And all I fear is your limbs
Dancing in the clouds
Kaleidoscope so pretty-blue
Take me - take me up!
Into your heart so pretty-blue
Its beating quickens in your chest
Don’t show me mercy like I showed you mercy
Take your knife up to my root
I am laid out - strapped out - less a man
Spent my last inside your heart
Dream of Kali, Moloch, Baal
Dream old lights behind new eyes
Baby it was like the first time |
