Right, I've marked that post for deletion. Here's Lyra's text, for posting into a new thread (I was thinking same titles but different rules - maybe have self-contained little stories happening in same universe or summat; I dunno...)
Relativity and the Ether
Relativity Jones had a bad case of light speed withdrawal.
She sat up and washed her legs.
Clean-limbed and sprightly she began to jog. Reaching a speed of approximately 3 x
10 to the power 8 metres per second in a time faster than the winking of a supernova
she reached out and grabbed a clump of stationary light that resembled the
sweet-smelling sphagnum moss used to treat gangrene in the first world war.
Silvery and geometric, she began to work up a rich lather of light on her oddly feminine
but decidedly non-humanoid and certainly gender-free physical form. It was realised
that tenses were inappropriate for such a being and henceforth she would experience
much of her existence in a third person passive mood of indeterminate temporal
location.
It would happen that physically improbable ablutions aside, Relativity would spot a
small ground glass bottle tied to a singularity with Super String. Previously it had been
observed that Relativity's presence had curved space-time in that location to such a
degree that it was not necessary for her to actually reach out and grasp the bottle, it
would naturally drift towards her asymptotically, arriving at her fingers after merely an
infinite length of time.
This would have given her enough time to shoot arrows at her old friend Entropy in a
playful manner, but on this occasion it did not, so instead it happened that she whiled
away the aeons shooting craps with god and stroking a cat that sometimes was not
there.
Tiring of clumsy grammatical constructions and bored of losing money that he had
created on a whim to trouble humanity god ruled that Relativity had forfeit her
theoretical status and would henceforth be a housewife from Chiswick who might as
well have been called Mavis. Handily enough this coincided with the arrival of the bottle
in her hands.
Within a New York second of acheiving mortality, Relativity was assaulted with the
crushing ennui of an existence where, although the laws of physics applied, they were
unneccessary to the meaning of being. Therefore she quickly removed the stopper
from the bottle with the satisfyingly finely graded friction associated with ground glass
and inhaled deeply.
With a sweet rush of half-remembered chemistry lessons and stained wooden lab
tables with rows of obscure bottles and a faded periodic table (illustrated) Relativity's
head began to feel fuzzy and warm. Inhaling again, hydrogen was created. Neutrinos
burst from the ears, nose and navel of a sardonically bespectacled false memory of
professorial indifference while the buzz of heavier elements being created rose in a
granular crescendo. The digits of the Hubble constant clacked over back and forth on
an old fashioned station clock display before settling at an arbitrary value that would
allow only a finite expansion of the soon-to-be universe.
The conductor let his baton fall to his waist and stepped back to the sound of no
applause from the coldly lifeless gas giants. Unperturbed by this orchestral frenzy the
MACHOS continued to beat up on the WIMPS and Relativity reclined, satisfied and
general but still feeling special. |
