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Lord Of The Rimmings - The Lost Diaries

  
 
deja_vroom
21:20 / 09.01.02
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.


Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.
--------------------------
More here.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
11:11 / 10.01.02
v. good!
this whole department has chortled through the bit you've posted, and chased up the link, in the last half an hour (January and we were all feeling a bit blleughhh before).
merci beaucoup Monsieur le Marquis!
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
11:24 / 10.01.02
The Boromir one is also good, the Aragorn and Legolas ones less so, but the Very Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins is best of all...

quote:Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

That girl understands what the film is *really all about*.



[ 10-01-2002: Message edited by: Flyboy ]
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
11:28 / 10.01.02
'Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? '
 
 
Persephone
11:33 / 10.01.02
I am consumed with jealousy that I did not write this...
 
 
deja_vroom
11:41 / 10.01.02
Persephone: Me too

ya welcome Zocher
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
11:55 / 10.01.02
& as a contrast...

see the outrage on a LOTR fanboard. One of the posters actually says, 'People who bring up stuff like this think too much'...

[ 10-01-2002: Message edited by: Kit-Cat Club ]
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:09 / 10.01.02
From the above: quote:Boromir was a jock. He wouldn't be caught dead-oops, sorry--yes he was--caught dead, I mean--doing anything that wasn't a 'manly thing, with other manly men"and: quote:We'll give those silly gay writers a run for their money:we can analyze relationships just as well as they can, to the same absurd effect. Why, I think I just proved it!Oh dear.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
12:10 / 10.01.02
By their sig-files shall ye know them.

"Our little ringbearer"??? Yikes...
 
 
higuita
13:44 / 10.01.02
I'm very proud that everyone has avoided the very obvious ring jokes. Shows how adult we are.
[snigger]
Everyone's after me ring, Gandalf!
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
14:00 / 10.01.02
Frankly if that's the ring to rule the world, I have no intention of putting on my finger.

Putting the ring in the crack of doom seems like a biological impossibility.
 
 
deja_vroom
12:36 / 12.01.02
VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

----------------------
Can't wait for the Gimli one....
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
12:50 / 12.01.02
Fucking genius. Both of 'em. Haven't checked out the link yet, as there are still people asleep in my flat, and I think I laughed out loud a bit too much already...
Did just check out the "see the outrage" link thought, cat, and...
...it's all very reminiscent of macho Queen fans a few (okay, many) years back, who would kick in the heads of anyone who even suggested that, yes, NOT contrary to his image, Freddie Mercury was actually gay...
Only with added fatbeard.
Also, off-topic, kind of, I think traditionalist Christian Mr Tolkien probably wouldn't have considered a name like "Aragorn666" that cool... do you think their devotion goes far enough to notice that one?

[ 12-01-2002: Message edited by: Moominstoat ]
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
13:07 / 16.01.02
Not slash, per se, but I think that this abridged script is worth a look in terms of LOTR creativity. Though it sounds like some of the dialogue is distinctly barbelithian... quote:
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.

Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.

Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
and war machinery which were in plain sight.

Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

[ 16-01-2002: Message edited by: The Return Of Rothkoid ]
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
13:48 / 16.01.02
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.

I like Legolas.
 
 
deja_vroom
13:53 / 16.01.02
Legolas: Golden ring *so* tacky.

How can he go wrong, really?
 
 
deja_vroom
21:42 / 26.02.02
I promise this is the last link I provide to this sort of stuff...
 
 
that
20:58 / 27.02.02
But now you can actually buy t-shirts with "Pervy hobbit-fancier" and "Cannot cope. Off to Mordor." on them. I want one! Or two.
 
  
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