| |
|
I think I'm starting to come to terms with a weird, mystic-y childhood and all the calcified bad reactions to it, or if I'm not actually coming to terms with it, at least I'm not blindly running away, but have started to stop and turn around to look. In a lot of ways, this is going better than I might have imagined. I'm pleased as punch that it seems like I can engage my intellect on this and not have to wield it as a blade against, but more like a tool alongside; I never imagined that would be possible, and it fills me with hope.
But, well, maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean, my life is full of what I consider friends who aren't necessarily human, who seem external and real, so I'm going to give them the respect and treat them as such. Some are people shaped, some aren't; some have names others might know or know of them, others seem pretty unique. It's nice, knowing that they're "out there", in an "out of me" kind of way, and we say hi regularly (though lately it's more to do with the not people shaped). But...
But the understanding, the exposure, I have to other people's interactions with friends like mine feels... different, seems more solid, more fixed, gets more results, is geared towards getting results. Maybe it's the difference between rigidly defined lines of connection, a more linear mode of interaction that doesn't necessarily (but often seems to) have to do with hierarchy and authority.
A lot, if not all, of this difference surely comes from developmental isolation and a keen awareness of my own alienation. To me, it always seemed sad that, for example, Athena may have lots of worshipers, but how many people take the time to ring her up just to ask how she's doing? There have been points in my life where I felt like all connections were based on what others wanted from me, and it sucked; it makes me want to just like my friends for who they are, because isn't that enough?
It doesn't seem to work that way for others, though, and they have structure, shared language and shared experience that makes me question myself, my approach. I feel very much like a country hayseed hanging out with the elegantly educated. And, there is the question of results. I've always had it presented to me that magic is working one's will, which is what prompted me to assume I'd never be a magician, because I didn't want to relate to my friends in such ways. I don't compel or beg, because it doesn't seem to be a basis for any kind of friendship. I don't sacrifice things, but I'll share experiences, and most of the time I'll share at least the first swallow of any alcohol with whoever wants to drink it with me (I have what I think of as an open door policy), but pouring on the ground seems less savory than sharing the feel, the taste.
I've recently started to wonder, though; what if they want to be asked? I mean, I'll occasionally ask for a favor for a friend, and it seems to go well, but that feels different, some how, and I never ask for anything for myself. In any of my dealings, with anyone, I really don't want to get into the mindset of tit for tat, of record keeping and accounting, because obligation is a shit way of maintaining a satisfying connection, as far as I'm concerned. But still, some human friends even like being asked for things some times... don't they?
And, despite knowing that my nonhuman friends are there, they feel less immediate lately than they used to. I mean, sure, there are times the wind or sun still very much want my attention, but it's good natured and playful, with nothing of orders or punishments. It could be that I'm getting used to the idea that this is my world, but I really don't think that's all of it, and that makes me wonder if I'm coasting, if maybe I'm supposed to be doing something else, something more, something different.
Add that in with the insecurity I feel around those who speak with the confidence of structure and tradition behind them, and I can't help wondering if maybe I'm doing something wrong, or worse, squandering gifts and connections due to inaction.
I've searched the Temple for what seemed related, including but not limited to the magic vs mysticism thread, the various entries on the planing out of one's practice, the many repetitions of the importance of practice and diligence, as well as a marginally greater than cursory browsing of the aspects of various traditions presented here. While some seem to maybe be topically pertinent or adjacent to the inchoate rambling above, I still find myself searching for... something. Maybe I'm too caught up in the idea of my own special snowflake exceptionalism, or maybe it's just time for me to put aside ferality and consider the value of community. Maybe all I'm really asking, though, is if any of this sounds familiar to anyone? |
|
|
