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Change and Self-Concept.

  
 
Mr. E
00:37 / 12.08.08
Howdy folks,

Longtime reader, first time poster. I'm unpacking some recent events and hoped they'd make for interesting dialogue on the nature of change and self-concepts.

Me in a nutshell: I'd lived a fairly sheltered, non-descript life. Gay, closeted, and not willing to visit that issue for nearly 10 years. Since the new year, I've been swimming in the deep end. This fairly reserved, uptight, and closeted midwesterner just attended something of a cross between a radical faerie camp and gay men's experiential weekend and came away from the experience fairly challenged. It was powerful to see my own projections about being gay and gay men be turned on their heads, and the pervasiveness of my own "internalized homophobia" that I'd been carrying around.

And as free and expansive as I felt over the weekend, I came back feeling a bit...displaced. Emotionally frayed. My consciousness had been rode hard & put away wet.

So i started to think about the concept of "reality tunnels" and how this applies here. We tell ourselves stories about our lives...we have to make sense of who we are and what happens to us in the world...our own self-image has to be fairly consistent to maintain a coherent sense of self...we get invested in this story as a way of feeling safe / whole / sane...and these reality tunnels are double-edged swords; they can keep us safe (good to a point) or keep us from growing.

So basically I stepped far outside of my comfort zones and had many of my prior beliefs challenged dramatically. And it feels kinda wierd.

Side note: I've got this post-encounter depression hanging around. I look at depression not as mearly feeling "sad," more like "globally depressed neurological functioning"...depression often looks like an inability to sleep, focus, think straight, derive pleasure, or experience emotions. I'm thinking that my current state is in partly that; brain fatigue. Stepping so far outside of my own comfort zones and now needing to process it, reintegrate new material, and let go of old stuff...feels like fairly strenuous emotional & intellectual work. I'd be content watching paint dry for a week.

So I'm wondering generally:

Was that an incoherent ramble or can anyone connect with any part of that?

What has been your experience with either gradual or abrupt changes to your self-concept or worldview?

How do you know when to either apply the breaks (fall back into comfort zones) or put pedal to metal (go even further outside of yourself)?

How do you stay grounded when the ride gets intense?

I guess I'm looking for other's reflections on experiences that massively challenged their self-concept and how they a) maintained an even keel in the process, and b) used the experience productively.

I pray you experienced psychonauts will be gentle...this phoenix still has hir training wheels (or wings, as the case may be).
 
 
grant
18:41 / 12.08.08
I can relate to that, I suppose. It wasn't incoherent, anyway. I prefer to think about "comfort zones" rather than "reality tunnels," for the most part, but yes, that weird buzzing sense of everything fits not-quite-right anymore is a familiar one.

I have no advice for that. Other people might.
 
 
EmberLeo
21:26 / 12.08.08
I want to come back to this when I have more time, because you've run a few bells, yes. But this just for now:

How do you know when to either apply the breaks (fall back into comfort zones) or put pedal to metal (go even further outside of yourself)?

I usually think in terms of a third option - Where am I heading, and do I want to acclimate to that? I measure not by comfort, but by ... ethics? Would I be a better person if I went forward and got past being uncomfortable? Okay then, maybe it's not time to push even more, but it might be time to acclimate to this new level.

I've been doing a lot of Push - Acclimate - Rest - Push - etc. over the last several years. Some of that is just because I was going through my first Saturn Return (i.e. reaching the end of my 20s).

--Ember--
 
 
EvskiG
11:14 / 13.08.08
First, congratulations on working to challenge your preconceptions. Personally, I think that's one of the most powerful magical acts around.

Second, you seem to have a reasonable understanding of your recent experience and how it affected you. I'd say that at this point it makes sense to take a few weeks, absorb and process it all, and figure out where you want to go from here.

Yes, sometimes it's best to move full speed ahead. And you probably don't want to slip entirely back into your old patterns, which don't seem to have been entirely satisfying. But before you do something like (for example) come out at home or work, or move to the relatively enlightened city or town of your choice -- any of which eventually might be a great decision -- you probably should figure out exactly what you want.

If you have friends or a therapist you can discuss all of this with -- or even people from your recent weekend -- that might be ideal.
 
 
EmberLeo
18:43 / 14.08.08
Okay, so more of what I wanted to address:

So basically I stepped far outside of my comfort zones and had many of my prior beliefs challenged dramatically. And it feels kinda wierd.

Side note: I've got this post-encounter depression hanging around.

That does indeed sound like somebody's first time at a major Festival. I've experienced a milder version of this the first time I worked CAT at PantheaCon and had the experience of being on a team that treats its members like family. It would have been stronger if I had not already had experience with ConOps at non-Pagan Cons and such. We all experience an even milder version of this at the end of a good Con or Festival even when we're very experienced, because we've just spent a week[end] outside everyday reality, and coming down off that high - even if it's just a social high - can be mildly depressing for a few days. Plus, there's usually changes in sleep and blood sugar going on, which tends to shift one's consciousness.

Other people I know come away from their first Burning Man feeling that way. Immersive Radical Faerie stuff is bound to break somebody open - especially if the main thing holding them back is a bunch of inhibitions born of self-directed judgments.

So... yes, you are absolutely making sense. I'm sure you feel weird, but for what you've gone through, it's not weird at all.

Incidentally, the benefits of this effect are not lost on Charismatic Leaders, either. I wouldn't worry about it with Radical Faeries, given their attitude towards authority, but it's something to keep in mind in the more general sense - another "Be careful who you let bend your mind" kind of warning.

--Ember--
 
 
EmberLeo
00:26 / 15.08.08
On a related note - I'm curious which Radical Faery campout you went to, as friends of mine may actually have been there

--Ember--
 
 
Evil Scientist
06:33 / 15.08.08
Could someone explain a bit about the Radical Faerie ?process/organisation? in terms of what it's goals are and what it involves?
 
 
Rev. Wright
07:01 / 15.08.08
Side note: I've got this post-encounter depression hanging around. I look at depression not as mearly feeling "sad," more like "globally depressed neurological functioning"...depression often looks like an inability to sleep, focus, think straight, derive pleasure, or experience emotions. I'm thinking that my current state is in partly that; brain fatigue. Stepping so far outside of my own comfort zones and now needing to process it, reintegrate new material, and let go of old stuff...feels like fairly strenuous emotional & intellectual work. I'd be content watching paint dry for a week.

Ah bless synchronicity. Just discussing this with a Bhuddist friend yesterday and I found your description spot on. I too have been 'processing' experiences and am now in the lull that follows. It's almost as though the conscious mind takes the brunt of other than conscious deliberations.

Thanks for the affirmation and reminder to not get too caught up with the process.
 
 
EmberLeo
22:22 / 15.08.08
Well, Mr. E did say it was "something of a cross between a radical faerie camp and gay men's experiential weekend" so I don't know how directly applicable Radical Faerie stuff actually is to the context.

Not being involved directly myself, I feel underqualified to explain in any detail, but my understanding is that they're very open to questioning.... pretty much everything, but especially cultural assumptions about gender and sex. The Faeries I know seem to have an attitude of "Why restrict things to two genders, even if you do let people change sides? Why have sides at all?"

If I had to make a paralell, they seem to be a logical (if, from some perspectives, extreme) extension of the Hippie culture.

The link I was given by the friend of mine who is something of an elder and expert on the topic (I almost said "authority" but that would be a contradiction of terms in this context) gave me this link: radfae.org but the site seems to be down at the moment.

Fair warning: Once it's back up, the odds you'll find something Not Safe For Work are pretty high.

If we want to talk about this in more detail, we should probably not derail the main point of the thread with it.

--Ember--
 
  
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