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Are you familiar with a certain haunting vagueness? For me, it’s the vagueness I feel when I try think of what I want to do “when I grow up”. The vagueness I feel when I need to set a goal. The vagueness I feel when I want to sit and write a story.
I feel a great, huge, overflowing pool of potential within myself, but when I think of applying it to something, I become vague in my wishes and desires because I don’t want to “waste it” on something “unworthy”.
Maybe I’m afraid to fail. Maybe I’m afraid to fall on my face. Maybe I fear continual effort. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I’m fooling myself? (Funny aside: I refuse to pick my own lottery numbers, because if I don’t win, it will be because I didn’t have the power or insight to pick the right numbers…)
I’ve lived my life drifting along currents, not making choices or many stands, and all I’m left with is a strange and familiar emptiness; a hollow; the vagueness I mention above. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that I’ll be hit with a bolt out of the blue and I’ll be handed all the answers I need to finally understand what I’m living my life for.
It’s why I read what I read: I feel that there’s an obvious, glaring answer on the next page, in the next book, within the writing of the next author.
I have to say, I’m tired of living on the verge of a threshold of an abyss. I want to jump in, joyously, fearlessly, and with all my heart; fuck the risks and damn the torpedoes.
But, secretly and in fear, I’ve preferred to stand and wait to be pushed.
I’m coming to realize that it just doesn’t happen that way.
My approach to magic has been read, read, read, read. Even joining Barbelith was an attempt to gather more reading material and hopefully inspiration; my “bolt from the blue. Maybe, even, a “push”.
While I have found inspiration (I won’t name names, but most all who I’ve interacted with here, some more than others…) I also found that:
1. I know much less than I thought.
2. It’s easy to get confused and start second guessing yourself.
3. You cannot start down a path when you keep revising methods and motivations.
In a PM convo with EmberLeo, I outlined my plans to get in touch with my dead grandmother, who I was named after. I told Ember that I purchased my GM’s favorite brand of cigarettes, her favorite candies, and I was going to brew a pot of tea for her. Then I was going to see if she could introduce me to Ghede Nimbo, who I feel vaguely compelled to meet.
That’s it. No other plan, no idea of what I want to say, what I want to ask for, how I need help. Pride stands in my way as much as fear.
I meditated on this a bit, I realized that my vagueness is stopping me from accomplishing anything. I thought that in a vague way that my Granny could tell me a bit about who I am, that Ghede Nimbo could “help” me become braver, ease my fears, and rediscover my outgoingness and joie de vivre. (Ember also mentioned that he’s associated with healing: I could use some of that…)
Recently I have begun a modest fitness regime to shed my excess pounds and rebuild a bit of muscle. I’ve stopped having “Donut-Days”. I’m walking more and vegging out in front of the TV less. I am taking steps.
Now I want to begin taking more steps with my magical practice. I have defined what I feel I need in my life that magic can help me obtain:
To chase my dreams: To write and maybe act (I miss the stage…)
To work on my marriage, to help heal my wife and have a child (Sometimes I feel it’s the imbalances and struggles in myself that is making her sick.)
To actually succeed in my job, stop fucking the dog and work. I want to buy a house and stop renting, I want to be able to afford the things I want and stop living from paycheque to paycheque.
For all the above, I have initiated “first steps” in physically achieving these things: I am forming a daily habit of writing via posts here, where crap writing is attacked. The fitness regime as well as making responsible insurance plan choices is helping both my marriage and wife’s help. Applying myself more at work and recently consolidating my debt is helping my financial situation.
Now I need to take “first steps” in mentally, or magically achieving these things: I still think that my ideas for contacting my Granny are valid, as is my wish to contact Ghede Nimbo: I have concrete questions and requests for help. As Ember pointed out to me, there is no real connection between my Grandmother and Ghede, so I may skip asking for an intro, but I will plan on attempting to contact both for different reasons.
I am also humbly asking all the “spirits” within Barbelith for their help and advice: Who has found themselves “Starting from Scratch”, especially after a few failed attempts? How do you unlearn and start anew? What tools, tips, tricks, etc… do you have for defining or outlining a magical practice? How do you actually initiate contact with an ancestor or God? How do you consistently motivate yourself for regular practice and along with a journal, what other ways do you have to track progress?
I apologize if a lot of this is covered in various threads, if your answers come in the form of hyperlinks they will still be deeply appreciated. |
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