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Underground > Conversation >

'Motivation' or 'Why I'm a Lazy Fuck' (SBR)

00:05 / 08.04.08

You know what I really don't do very well motivation wise outside of a steady relationship.
And when in one much of the desire for any achievement usually has its basis in wanting my other half to be proud of me.
Surely this can't be good and probably speaks very ill of my character.
I'm not sure if its something instinctual where in a relationship I want to show by way of achievement that I'm a good provider/life partner/etc or just plain like of approval.
Equally, when in a relationship I always feel the need to be on top form in every aspect in case my other half isn't and needs some kind of leg up (admittedly this works much in my favour). Is this the typical behaviour of a codependent?
What does motivate people generally and why do I lose it when there's no one there to pat me on the head and tell me I did a good job?
What are your views and have you ever experienced something similar?

(Much apologies this actually started off as a post to the 'Random Thought Thread')

00:33 / 08.04.08

Surely this can't be good and probably speaks very ill of my character.

I don't think it does at all.

You shouldn't worry about this sort of thing, though. Obviously it matters now, but it's going to seem ridiculous in a few years time. My advice would be to go out clubbing, read some improving novels, listen to John Coltrane or ruin your liver in Prague; to do anything to drown out the self-regarding undergrad/post-undergrad voice, because it ultimately isn't really worth listening to.

I don't know if there's anyone left on Barbelith who'd disagree.

(With huge apologies, clearly, Shrug, if you're a stout guy in his forties.)

*

04:18 / 08.04.08

This is typical behavior of many people, Shrug—both to feel its hard to be motivated without someone else to be motivated with/for, and to feel vaguely guilty about how unmotivated we think we are. And it comes down simply to this: Most people are motivated more by positive feelings than by negative ones. A romantic relationship (that's going well) is a ready source of positive feelings. Lack of same is often a ready source of negative feelings. It's far easier to do things when we're feeling good about ourselves than the reverse, and feeling bad about a perceived lack of motivation is decidedly a step toward the reverse.

Advice follows. Cut out this section and discard.
Instead, please feel good that your desires and behavior make sense. Think of things you have been able to accomplish and praise yourself for them. Think of things you'd like to accomplish and praise yourself for having goals. Take a little step toward doing one of those things whenever you can, and praise yourself for that. The more you do this, the more rewarding your life will feel—and as a pleasant side effect the more attractive sharing your life will be to potential partners.
/advice

(Potentially irritating tips from a fellow unmotivated person who's on an upswing at the moment.)

15:56 / 08.04.08

Yeah, I think ultimately you're both quite right.
Much of this is thesis related although, Alex, I've already compromised if not ruined my liver and it was in a locally at the Czech Inn rather than Prague, exactly. My self-regarding undergraduate voice will be, at least, tempered quite soon too, I'd magine.
Id, thanks for the clarification that I do make some kind of sense and the advice. I hate having counter intuitive thought patterns and you've made them seem less muddy.

Disco is My Class War

00:16 / 09.04.08

Makes sense to me, I'm exactly the same. Although it's the words 'thesis related' that are really scary. I don't know how anyone gets through, but I do know that it's made easier by having someone to make cups of tea and edit drafts and impress the hell out of by doing well.

I think id's right: if there's a lack of a partner to do all of those things then you could do worse than trying to fulfil those needs yourself.

11:21 / 09.04.08

I'm kind of the opposite. When I'm single I'm all going to the gym, reading improving literature and taking mini breaks in European cities desperately hoping that someone will fancy me.

Then I kind of vegetate when in a relationship and get fat and want to stay in lots.

Quite like both of them actually but the former gets increasingly tiring as you get older.

If you read the business 'self-help' books about being a high achiever and getting things done (RaaarRRR!) they characterise some people as being away-from motivated and some-people as towards-motivated. As in away-from people only get really motivated when they are in a situation they dislike and want get away from it whereas as towards people get motivated by going towards a situation they want.

All Acting Regiment

12:37 / 09.04.08

You need to avoid having relationships with The Devourer. It incarnates all over the place, so watch out.