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What to do when a friend is sexually assaulted

 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
16:23 / 12.12.07
So, not three days before we leave the country to return home from studying abroad, my friend is sexually assaulted by a native of the country, a guy we considered our friend. She tells me this, and my immediate reaction is "I need to find an adult and find out what the fuck to do". I'm twenty-five years old. I'm an adult. I used to consider myself a capable person, but my first reaction is "find a grown-up". I mean, for christ's sake what is wrong with me.

Anyway, thinking of the people I would ask for advice in this situation I kept coming to the conclusion that they would say "tell the authorities immediately". I tell her it's a good idea to tell someone, probably the police, or at the very least the director of our school (a little quirky, but a good guy that I believe geniunely wants to help us). She says she doesn't want to press charges for various reasons, but I eventually convince her to tell our director. He insists that she sees a doctor and filing a report. She doesn't want to do either, preferring to see her own doctor back in our home country. She has reasons for not wanting to file a report, things like privacy and not wanting to inadvertently punish the dude's wife and kids.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Respect her wishes on how to proceed? I can understand not wanting to explain to doctors she doesn't know or policemen that might not care (besides, we're leaving the country in a few days because our semester is over and our visas won't last much longer anyway, who knows what the legal process can do in this situation), but I hate the idea of this guy getting away with it. Everybody at school trusts this guy. He runs everyone's favorite bar. She doesn't want this to get around but I'm worried about the people staying here and the new students arriving next semester.

I'm clueless here. Aside from leaving it to friends in the country to handle things vigilante style (probably a bad idea) I don't know what to do. Do I respect her desire for privacy? Do I betray her trust and tell people myself in an attempt to keep this from happening again? Is there any way to warn people without betraying her trust? I've never felt so out of my depth.

So take heed: figure out what the fuck to do before it happens, because this shit right here sucks.
 
 
Feverfew
16:49 / 12.12.07
First of all, Tuna, that's horrific - and my sympathies go out to your friend.

My only advice would be for your friend to see a doctor both where you are now and when she gets home - I would guess that time is a factor here. Although your concerns about respecting her wishes and her concerns about privacy and not wanting this to get around are valid, it may be that this guy has done something like this before (potentially especially as everybody at school trusts this guy) which has gone unreported.

As for not wanting to inadvertently punish the dude's wife and kids, that's sweet, but then he should have been thinking of that when he did whatever he did, yes?

I don't know the exact circumstances of what's happened or what's going on, but I would think it might be for the best to make everything as official as possible - clinical as that sounds - as quickly as possible, i.e. seeing the right people (doctors etc) and reporting the incident in question.

It sounds like a horrific situation, though, and my heart goes out to you and your friend.
 
 
Spaniel
16:58 / 12.12.07
Well, I think your friend's wishes are gonna have to be central to any strategy. This did, afterall, happen to them.
 
 
illmatic
17:09 / 12.12.07
Well, in my place of work, if someone reported a sexual or physical assault to me, I am obliged to break confidentiality. Not to do so is seen as serious negligence and breach of care.

I understand perhaps not wanting to do that but if it's anything serious - and I imagine that it is otherwise she wouldn't have come to you - then I wouldn't hesitate to do so. Your situation is more complex because you are leaving visas etc. but still....
 
 
Ticker
17:36 / 12.12.07
I'm very sorry your friend was attacked and I think you are doing a great job in being supportive of her.

There is an ugly but real possibility to tell your friend.

His wife and children may also be victims and by exposing his known sexual assaults against your friend it will bring the greater possibility of investigation into his life.

People who assault rarely only do it once. It is much more common for it to be a habitual pattern. It might be another adult who trusts this person or it might be a child. It might have already happened or be happening.

Many of us have been conditioned to want to put these horrible crimes behind us and to pretend they never happened. We want to use our resources to be unchanged by the awfulness. Yet we overlook our responsibility to other people and ultimately we ignore our responsibility to ourselves to seek justice and to make it absolutely unacceptable that anyone should ever experience these crimes.

The damage of being attacked cannot be healed in a courtroom. It is however seriously increased by knowing the fuckups who commit these crimes are walking around unchecked by the blind eye of a rape culture. Even if your friend cannot be the person to bring her attacker to justice she owes it to herself to arm the people who can.
 
 
Papess
18:04 / 12.12.07
Yet we overlook our responsibility to other people and ultimately we ignore our responsibility to ourselves to seek justice and to make it absolutely unacceptable that anyone should ever experience these crimes.

So true, XK. It is more than likely if there are no repercussions, the perpetrator will feel no reason at all to stop. Not that repercussions always deter, but people will know about the offense if it is reported and they be able to protect themselves. Such as a company looking into the perp's background and being able to protect their employees.

Unfortunately, it is a whole lot of responsibility on the victim's shoulders because of someone who doesn't take responsibility for their own actions. It sucks, no two ways about it. Abuse sucks.

You are a good friend for caring, Tsuga, and I hope your friend gets help and the love and support she needs from everyone.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
18:24 / 12.12.07
Well, there's also the issue that it already has been reported, at least in some sense - it hasn't been reported to the Police. It's hard to say much without knowing where you are, but in what are generally seen as equivalent felonies the act of pressing the charges is undertaken by the police on behalf of the state - that is, the plaintiff in the case is the Crown in the UK, or the State or federal government in the US. So, your friend would be either reporting or failing to report the crime rather than pressing charges. This sounds like pedantry, but it means, for example, that once the crime was reported it would possibly be out of her hands as to whether the case was brought to court - although her willingness to testify would affect the decision of whether to prosecute, probably - at which point she would be asked to testify in the case as a witness, rather than as the plaintiff. Again, I don't know about the national law, but your director might be culpable for not reporting what he believes to be a felony - in part as a result of a duty of care to what I assume are students hosted by his organisation. If he takes some other action - for example, warning students away from this man's bar without there being any court proceeding - then he may well find himself in trouble for something resembling defamation of character.

This is a horrible situation, and has clearly come at the worst possible time, in terms of what to do next - no doubt your friend doesn't want to have to stay in the country a moment longer than necessary, or disrupt her life by coming back to testify. And one problem, from a purely personal point of view, is that in terms of her own equilibrium it might be better for her not to do so - especially if there is little chance of securing a conviction (no witnesses, no physical injury, no forensic evidence).

On preview - as XK says, it is possible that an investigation would shake loose something prior (or secure a confession, for that matter), and also that the wife and children might not be best served by no investigation - I mean, the problem is that these are questions to which there is no right answer. If you could be absolutely sure that somebody would never reoffend, the case for punishment would be very different... in this case, if she has been assaulted as she was about to leave the country, then that may have happened before and it may happen again - but reporting it may or may not make a difference to this, and might be more personally damaging to your friend than not reporting it - or vice versa. It's impossible to make a confident prediction of what would happen, for your friend or for anyone else.

I think you and your friend actually need _legal_ advice, possibly - do you have a councillor or welfare office, as a first port of call. And, regardless of whether it is to accumulate evidence, it sounds like a good idea to see a doctor before a (long? plane?) journey.

On preview:

Not that repercussions always deter, but people will know about the offense if it is reported and they be able to protect themselves. Such as a company looking into the perp's background and being able to protect their employees.


I think we have to say here, if there is a conviction. But yes - a conviction might well make it far less likely that the convicted would be given a job in which they were regularly placed in situations where reoffending was more likely. Balancing the social and personal costs and benefits of this kind of thing is a horrible thing - I'm very sorry your friend is having to go through it, TG.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
18:40 / 12.12.07
TG, what a horrendous thing to have happen. I am so, so sorry. Nothing to contribute that has not been said already (although I would especially like to reiterate the point that this is unlikely to be the guy's first, or last, such offence), but you and your friend have my sincere sympathy. This is an appalling experience for anyone to go through; it is good that you're choosing to be a supportive friend.
 
 
Papess
18:54 / 12.12.07
I think we have to say here, if there is a conviction.

I think there are some institutions and circumstances where just having a report made against someone is enough and conviction is not necessary for the institution to take precautions. For example, in the case of educational institutions and situations where children are involved. If the report is made within a company internal investigations are recorded and can be requested by potential employers and various organizations.

Point being, it will be on record, and therefore the offender is red flagged. Some people think this is unfair, but having an official report made will lend even more credibility to any reports made in the future. Which, is why these reports do exist and are kept, whether there is a conviction or not. Indeed it can have impact on the accused if institutions care to go digging.
 
 
Ticker
19:17 / 12.12.07
I hate the fact that it talking about victim's responsibility I made it sound like some civic obligation to 'the people'. It's not language I would use in talking to a victim.

honestly the only grown ups who are equipped to deal with this well are the ones who are trained intensively and often professionally. There's a set to help with the legal ass kicking so well deserved by the perp and there's a set to help with supporting the victim and sometimes they overlap as advocates.

It is really really vital that your friend get professional support for getting through this trauma. Perhaps that maybe the director's motive for pushing medical care. A sexual assault often leaves a vicious internal poison and in the discussion of practical what to do info pro help for the victim needs to be the very first priority.

Many people I know who are assaulted internally play down the attack so they don't seek the help the need until years later when the damage is really taking it's toll.
 
 
Papess
19:33 / 12.12.07
I hate the fact that it talking about victim's responsibility I made it sound like some civic obligation to 'the people'. It's not language I would use in talking to a victim.

That is a good point. It is not so much public service but also personal service. And no, that language shouldn't be used when talking to a victim.

Many people I know who are assaulted internally play down the attack...

Unfortunately, this benefits the offender.

...so they don't seek the help the need until years later when the damage is really taking it's toll.

And then one just ends up kicking oneself for not having sought help initially.

Sexual assault really sucks because it is like someone dumps a whole lot of crap in your life and you have to carry it around and deal with it little by little till it doesn't weigh you down anymore. However, the metaphorical smell never gets out of the metaphorical carpet completely.
 
 
Seth
20:11 / 12.12.07
Tuna: your urge to seek out an 'adult' says everything about your wisdom and love for your friend. It simply isn't possible to prepare for these kind of situations. No one wants them and no one expects them. To instantly believe that the right course of action is to seek the advice of people more experienced than yourself is proof of your compassion, your desire for justice, your need to view the situation realistically and not in a hot-blooded reactionary manner, your care not only for your friend but also your consideration for everyone else who is effected by this. If I were in a horrendous situation I would want someone like you in my corner. Rather than beating yourself up over something that it is utterly impossible to prepare for you deserve every praise for seeking help. You've done the right thing so far.

Haus is right in saying that it's not possible to predict what might happen if this is reported. But then it's not possible to 100% accurately predict anything in life. Yes, reporting the offence will be excruciatingly hard for your friend. But I think life will be excruciatingly hard for her if she doesn't report it too. The choice is never this easy, but in some ways it could be seen as choosing the pain of allowing injustice to go unchallenged or doing your realistic best to use whatever imperfect systems are in place to stop this happening again. It might well be that police have a file on this guy dating back years and are waiting for more people to come forward... it's not unheard of for there to have been a diligent officer in case, a decent human being, to have wanted justice bought against an offender for years before they can actually mount an evidential case. I'm not saying that this is what will happen, but it is a possibility. The longer things are left the more potential evidence is lost.

When I and many of my colleagues approach policing, even though we know we are tiny cogs in bigger systems than we can comprehend, our first thought is doing our utmost to secure justice for the aggrieved party. We do our best with the facts as they have been reported to us. When you say that your director suggested that your friend see a doctor at the earliest possible opportunity that not only indicates the severity of the offence (relative, I know) but also the potential for forensic evidence.

I wish I could guarantee that reporting this to police will result in an outcome that minimises future pain for any party that has been involved or may yet to be involved. But if it is not reported then there is zero chance for that, until what could be the next time. It goes from what might seem to be a small possibility to being no possibility.

I'm sorry that I can't offer more comfort, but please know that I believe you have been exemplary so far.
 
 
Seth
20:20 / 12.12.07
I also thoroughly second what XK and Papess have said. Reporting it offers your friend the opportunity for experienced care in what she is going through. People who work in this field are highly trained and are almost invariably in it for the right reasons. It's unlikely that they could have gained their position had they not been.

It's awful that this thing has happened at such an incredibly difficult time, what with leaving the country so soon. But that thought also leads me to wonder whether the offender saw that set of circumstances as an opportunity for an increased safety from the consequences of their actions. It's not something that anyone wants to think about, but it's possible that this was a calculated attack.
 
 
Olulabelle
20:36 / 12.12.07
Yes, I too am in agreement that reporting it opens up access to specialised help and counselling for your friend. I think that should be the first consideration - you and your friend should report it so that your friend can get help.

I might add that at University my roommate in halls was assaulted and never reported it, she just told me. She didn't want to tell anyone else or the police or anything. But she really could have done with access to counselling, especially further down the line when the shock had passed. She just seemed to be left, you know, with all this stuff.
 
 
Papess
20:39 / 12.12.07
Off topic, but I have to apologize, Tuna. I registered your name in my brain as Tsuga for some reason and not Tuna Ghost. Sorry about that.

Also, El Directo is entirely correct when ze states: Rather than beating yourself up over something that it is utterly impossible to prepare for you deserve every praise for seeking help.
 
 
Triplets
23:57 / 12.12.07
Sometimes it makes me sad that there isn't, to put it one way, a Barbelith anonymous and unaccountable 'solution squad'...

I'm just saying, everyone.
 
 
Triplets
23:58 / 12.12.07
And, obviously, avoiding any Googleable and traceable terms. Of course.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
00:30 / 13.12.07
Thanks everyone, this is all good, useful stuff and I plan on mentioning all of it when I see her next (final exams are today).

I didn't even think about dude's family or what he might have done/is doing to them. From what I've seen and read, Japanese culture may make it easier for him to get away with stuff like this. I don't know Japanese law from a hole in the ground so god knows what would come of reporting it to the police in a small town like this but I do want her to try.
 
 
luminocity
07:30 / 13.12.07
Before you get involved with the police in a country in which you are not familiar with the law, you could phone a lawyer in your home country who can provide free advice on what to expect on local law. There were a few services of this type available in the UK that my sister called from Korea and she found them very helpful. Worth a google I'd have thought.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
08:02 / 13.12.07
Indeed - or the agency or school should be able to connect you with free legal advice and counselling services. Ultimately, nobody here is likely to be able to give you that level of detailed advice...
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
09:09 / 13.12.07
Not much to add, really, it's all been said... it's that fine line between reporting being the right thing to do and the victim's wishes, isn't it? I'd still be inclined to go with the reporting it, but a lot depends on your relationship with your friend and whether they will see this as going against their wishes to do the right thing, or an act of betrayal.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
12:27 / 13.12.07
That really sucks, Tuna Ghost. Lots have people have said really useful things, but I would stress that your friend is the person who needs to decide what to do about this situation. Having pressure put on hir to make an official report might just hir feel worse. If you are both about to leave Japan, it sounds like making an official report might not result in ongoing support or counselling.

It's true that reporting the situation might force the perpetrator to be accountable and make his actions public. But basically, I would advise you to go along with what your friend wants to do.

On the other hand, your friend is going to want to make an informed decision. I think that a lot of the time, people can change their minds about what to do after something like sexual assault. One of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder is feeling really swamped and exhausted. It's hard to muster the energy to make a decision, even if one does want to engage with reporting. So maybe the best you can do is to find out exactly what would happen if ze made a police report, and what precise support mechanisms exist. At least then you are helping your friend get some options.

Finally, if you're being an emotional support person for your friend, try to deal with your own emotional safety/stability as well. The best way you can be a good friend is to be calm and sorted yourself.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
12:40 / 13.12.07
Also, it really surprises me that people are saying 'Go aagainst your friend's wishes and report the crime!' on this thread. It makes me kind of angry, actually. Professionals like teachers and health care workers are legally obliged to report sexual violence; but they are (hopefully) given training in how to make such a report, and how to support the victim of a sexual assault. Friends are friends; they are not in a situation where they are legally liable to make such a decision on behalf of someone else.

When something happens like this, the victim's self-determination and autonomy needs to be respected. Feeling like you have control of your life is one of the first things that disappears, actually, after sexual violence. Having friends rush in and decide what should happen 'in one's best interests' does not, in my opinion, aid the victim to feel like ze has any control over what happens at all.
 
 
Ticker
14:02 / 13.12.07
Also, it really surprises me that people are saying 'Go aagainst your friend's wishes and report the crime!' on this thread

Blink. Where it say that? I thought it just had people giving reasons why the action of reporting should be advocated to the victim as a best course?
 
  
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