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Let's start with what you've already told us so far, and hope that you come along later and fill in some of the gaps:
I experienced my first kundalini awakening this last summer and it resulted in a nonstop chi explosion
As Olulabelle commented earlier, what makes you interpret what happened as a Kundalini awakening? Have you been practising a form of Kundalini yoga either by yourself or under a teacher or instructor? If so, how long for? Why did you take it up? What were you trying to get out of it? My grasp of Indian spiritual practices is a bit basic, but as I understand it, there is some degree of debate and controversy about the westernised understanding of "Kundalini" and how it may be rather skewed and reconstructed. I think there is a thread about it knocking around somewhere. You might want to hunt that out before you go too far down the road of accepting the western notion of Kundalini awakenings wholesale. There is a lot of academic research on Tantra and Indian religions which may shed a different light on your understanding of this terminology. I'm sure Roy Medallion and Trouser will be able to give you some clear pointers in exploring some of this stuff further.
If you *haven't* been practising a form of Kundalini yoga, it's even more problematised. I would be really careful about picking up on half-understood terms like that and appending them to experiences that may have arisen out of entirely different practices. Because you haven't told us what you were actually doing, it's difficult to guage one way or the other whether the Kundalini metaphor is a profitable lens through which to view this experience. "Kundalini awakening" is almost like the Eastern version of "I am an Ipsissimus, hear me roar", y'know. People dabble in a bit of magical gear and have some weird stuff happen to them, then their egos seize on terms like this that they've read in books, and it's a slippery slope to self-delusion from there on in. Big pitfall. Try not to go there.
suggested the idea that what I had experienced was actually demonic possession.
What did you tell him about your experience that made him come to that conclusion? Did he tell you anything else?
where do the lines blur between a successful tantric practice and an excessive focus on the sexual or physical (what might be called lustfulness, although your definition may vary...)
Again, this begs the question: what do you mean by a tantrik practice? It's another hugely misunderstood term for various aspects of Indian spiritual practice. What are you actually talking about? What have you been doing? Why have you been doing it? What are you trying to get out of it?
You seem to have a lot of issues here around "lust" and the physical, which rings a few alarm bells. What's that all about then? We are sexual, physical beings. This is not something "demonic" to be "overcome" or disassociated from, especially not if it is emerging out of a tantrik practice (assuming that your definition of tantra is anywhere near the same ballpark as my own understanding of it).
An important issue for me is the difference between thinking sexually and acting sexually upon those thoughts. What that boils down to is keeping the demon in check, whether it be an actual entity or just my own darker side rearing its ugly nature.
I'm not sure that this business with demons is necessarily helping you out here. What are you trying to "keep in check"? There seems to be some sexual material arising from your breathwork that makes you uncomfortable and which you are trying to come to terms with. I'd suggest that the focus of your work should be on a healthy integration of that material. Characterising it as "demonic" or your "dark side that you must keep in check", might not be the best way of doing that. You don't want to turn your life into a poor adaptation of Jekyll and Hyde. James Nesbitt. That guy from Peep Show. These are dark mysteries. Again, try not to go there if you can help it.
Cutting to the chase a bit: Are you getting laid? Is it possible that a period of uninvited celibacy is contributing to the emergence of these issues around lust? You should never underestimate the power of sex. It might be the case that a healthy sex life would make a lot of these problems disappear like phantoms of the past. Having a healthy sex life is an important part of being a healthy adult human being - and if this isn't being fulfilled, then that could well be the root source of a lot of this difficult material. What you see as "demons" are perhaps better perceived as under-nourished parts of yourself, turning maladaptively in upon themselves, and crying for attention. Like when your stomach hurts to get your attention if it hasn't been fed. Characterising your hunger pangs as "demons" to be opposed, is probably not the most productive attitude to the problem at hand.
If this is a fair assessment, then you might want to look at what you can do to remedy that problem. Doing some magical work to find a partner/s, revamping your appearance, and getting yourself out and about in as many social circles as possible might be a better act of magic than staying at home fretting about possession by Asmodeus or reading stuff about Taoist spirit embryos on the internet. Just saying.
Looking back on my experience, I'd say it was a combination of both possession and awakening...
Why do you describe it as a mix of possession and awakening? Did anything positive come out of the experience? What have you taken from it?
I found a text document I had created the evening before hospitalization that I really feel was Asmodeus speaking through me, and yet the entire experience as a whole has been overwhelmingly helpful to me as time has gone by.
Why would you say that? Have you been working with Asmodeus? What does Asmodeus mean to you? What specific qualities of the text document makes you attribute its authorship to a demon? Where are you going with that? Do you really want to buy into a belief system that frames your own sexuality - which you have the right to healthy expression of with consenting adults - as a "demon of lust". Seems more than a bit problematic to me, and if this material has emerged out of a sex-positive tantrik practice, then it seems like you're switching lanes to something else as soon as your tantrik work has started to stir things up. Generally, when we have problematic material emerge out of our magical practice, it is something that was there all along and the magical work has just made it rise to the surface so that we may best deal with it and integrate it. You might want to try and look at what is happening from that position, rather than feeding the problem by bringing medieval demons into the picture...
It was like wrestling with a series of inner uncontrollable forces...perhaps my own inner demons i.e. dark archetypes of consciousness or Jungian shadow figures, or an actual outside autonomous entity...the left side of my body was like one snake attacking the right side of my body at some points.....it lasted all day from morning to sundown.
I would strongly advise against attributing any literal validity to any of this visionary material. You might be better served by considering this stuff as a visionary externalisation of processes taking place within your body. That does not make it any less "magical". The body is a magical talisman. Mysterious things happen in the body. Obviously some pretty intense stuff has been stirred up as a result of your practice, but to decide, for instance, that one side of your body is literally possessed by a magic snake that is attacking the other side of your body, is not a particularly useful metaphor to live with. I'm not saying that's what you are doing, just cautioning against buying fully into literal explanations for mysterious physical/mental stuff that has arisen.
It can be very tempting - especially if you are relatively new to magic (first 3-5 years of practice) - to seize on any and all unusual experiences and use them to wrap yourself in a magical drama assembled from various eclectic and often half-understood sources. People often do this when they are hungry for magic, yearning for something to happen, trying to prove to themselves that this stuff is real and there really is magic and mystery and magical mystery in the world. Calm down. Chill out. Turn a sceptical eye to all of your experiences - especially the ones that you are the most emotionally invested in - and try to avoid dressing your actual experiences in too much mystical speculation and astral fantasy. Always return to the basics of what you did, what happened and how it made you feel. If you keep up a solid, regular practice and allow it to grow and develop organically, you will begin to find your own magic, more magic than you know what to do with. What you are looking for will emerge naturally and organically out of your practice. There is no need to knock yourself out. Relax. Remain sane. Turn a critical eye to everything that happens, especially if you're not enjoying it, if its causing problems in other areas of your life or if its impairing your ability to function in the world.
Hope some of this is useful. |
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