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That's such a good strategic suggestion, Anna. It's a really good idea to have things like that rehearsed so you can do the practiced thing and help break that situation even if you are having a flooding/terror experience inside.
all my son has is me. I need some support too.
I'm going to be really opinionated here, and lay out specific suggestions for what to do. Obviously I don't know the situation completely. I'm not an expert but I have some thoughts from my own experience and observations, and from some child safety stuff I've come into contact with through Quakers.
We all need support, I think human beings need to be embedded in social networks and if we don't have good networks we end up meshing our minds with the people we're encountering by happenstance. It's very important that you get a functioning support system set up. Don't leave it to chance whether you have appropriate, fun, supportive people you can trust, to hang out with for fun and talk with when things are rough.
You mention studying: a lot of colleges have good free counselling services, have you been there yet? Also you can sometimes get counselling though your GP. And remember that lots of nurses have excellent supportive skills, I know if I have to see practice nurses for other stuff I often feel pretty cared for afterwards! Other plug-in support systems include: church/spirituality groups, study groups, self-help groups, musician/artist collectives, aromatherapy massage or other complementary therapy training schools - get free massage as a volunteer body. There are a hundred ways to meet people, focus on meeting sane, safe, fun people and take your son along to the events too if that's what you need to do because these things need to work to meet our needs.
I think although it's ideal - and cheaper! - to have our support systems integrated in reciprocal friendships, getting professional help serves very well when you are setting out to build a new support network. Though as always, trust yourself - if you don't feel able to communicate well with your counsellor, it's not going to help. I think you have to look after your support needs first, because your son is depending on you. When you have good people you can trust, you can share that bond with your son so his circle of appropriate adults to look to widens as well.
But how can I protect him without being seen as a nut-bar?
1) You have to get it straight in your head. Like Venger's Spare Matt wrote over in the miserable thread: Trust your gut. Better safe and wrong than sorry and right. Protection >> being seen as a nutbar. You would probably want to be seen as a nutbar by the kind of people you're afraid these people are, no?
This links directly to you having a good support network. I think you need to be in daily face to face contact with people who are sane and competent and are going to back you up and help you know that you are sane. Get that sorted out as a matter of urgency.
2) There are important things you can do to help your child be safe.
* Make sure he knows that his body belongs to him, and that he gets to say what happens to it. No being coerced into kissing relatives if he doesn't to, get prepared to fight over it to defend him if necessary and especially if you were never given that protection as a child. It's my opinion this is the ground for a healthy sense of ownership of one's own body.
* Make sure he has words to talk about, and an understanding of, appropriate and inappropriate touching. I think all human beings have a need for affectionate touching, we're primates! Make sure that need is met, in you and in your son, and there won't be a danger of seeking out inappropriate touching to make up for basic skin hunger.
* Make sure he knows and has words to talk about the existence of people who get thrills from inappropriate (sexual or other) behaviour. 'Kids are far too young to be involved in that stuff.' 'Not all adults know what's right, sometimes you have to be the one who gets out of a situation that feels wrong to you.' 'Some adults are a bit ill in their heads and they like to make people feel uncomfortable. It's okay to avoid them! Make sure you tell me if someone's making you feel like that.'
* Make sure he knows that he has instincts about other humans and that those instincts are providing good information, to be trusted and put together with all the other kinds of information available. Make sure he has appropriate words with which to communicate a dislike of, or a discomfort in being around, another adult, and a safe place with you to communicate about that if he needs to.
* You might find you have a good internal 'grooming alarm': does something particular occur in your mind or body when someone's making an approach to you when actually they want something from you that's not declared? I get a good strong signal from salespeople e.g. in a mobile phone shop, when they're busy nicing you to soften you up right? If you have that properly calibrated, can you articulate and pass on that knowledge to your son?
Other resources:
I'm glad you're looking for an organisation that might be able to help out in this situation, that sounds great. Will you post back about what kinds of resources you find? I'd be interested.
One book that comes to mind is Gavin de Becker's 'Protecting the gift', have you come across that? His work is all about appropriate threat assessment, and 'Protecting the gift' is particularly about helping kids be safe. There are also books to read with kids about being safe: 'My mom says' (thumbnail top right) is one for toddlers, there are probably loads more.
Good luck, keep letting us know how it is going. |
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