The thread may belong in conversation or somewhere else, but when someone seems to be very stressed out and anxious, imperatives such as "start making sense quickly" may not be helpful.
Eezy, take slow breaths, rather than deep ones. Time your breathing to slow it down, as you are able to, without strain. This will help to keep you from hyperventilating. As you slow your breathing, you will slow down your thinking. As your thinking slows down you will find it easier to notice the details of what is happening with it. Slowing your thoughts down will help you communicate them more clearly.
You sound like you're going through something unpleasant that you don't understand. It seems as if you're not feeling in control. I empathize with that. I encourage you to get the help you need. That help is ultimately not going to be on Barbelith. I feel supportive of you as a Barbelith member, and I know I'm not equipped to help you with this. Maybe the help you need will come from a trustworthy psychiatrist.
Spiritual practice has to start from a mind and body that are well-cared for. Just as you would see a doctor if you injure yourself while exercising, it is worth considering that if there are experiences that are disturbing to you in your mental-spiritual practice and development, you could see an understanding mental health practitioner. If you're not in the care of one, that would be someplace to start.
If you are, and you've already established a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, then you probably have cyclical experiences of high energy and low energy. Currently it sounds like you're in a really high-energy part of your cycle. If you are bipolar, you know that this is temporary, and that things will begin to make more sense when your mind shifts back into a lower gear.
Have you changed anything in your medication? Are you managing without medication? These are things you can choose to talk to your doctor about. If you choose this your doctor can help you sort things out so that your brain chemistry isn't making your thoughts so difficult for you to manage and understand.
Along with addressing any chemical issues, you can practice grounding exercises. In my experience, when my mind is frantic, I notice my energy collects up around and above my head. I can slowly send it down, tendril by tendril, into the earth. It settles around my center. It sends roots deep into the earth that is slow and still and dark and thinks long, long, singleminded thoughts. I can listen to drumming that is slower than my resting heart rate. Maybe some of these practices will help you at this time as well.
If there are chemical reasons for your distress I hope you will take care of yourself and address them. I believe that people can't achieve their full potential in spiritual practice without taking care of any existing physical health conditions, into which brain chemistry decidedly falls.
It sounds like you are feeling a lot of urgency. But listening to you I don't get a clear sense of what the emergency is. Do you have safe shelter? Is there food and fresh water available to you, and you have the means and ability to get more? Are there people nearby you can contact to help you if you need it? Are you on top of any other medical needs? See to these basic needs as best you can, and then tell your sense of urgency that you've gotten the message and it's time to take a rest. |
