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Some thoughts on the first story...
Para 1:
- 'signing'... do you mean making gestures in sign language? If not, it's an odd word choice.
- It's 'more slowly, not 'slower'.
- It's 'centimetres' (UK) or 'centimeters' (US), not 'centremeters'.
Para 2:
- 'She had been scared when he gasped at her' sits strangely with the sentence 'he was sure she had seen him, or wanted to her have' in the first para. If 'she had run, and he couldn't blame her', any sense of uncertainty in the first para is lost.
Para 3:
- 'a present from an old friend who named dogs' is a peculiar description, especially as this chap is also reported to have bought the ring 'on shore leave'. Are there many dogs on the high seas that require naming by a professional?
- 'Manilla' is spelled 'Manila', if you mean the capital of the Philippines.
- If your protagonist 'married young', surely this suggests to the reader that he would, but for the quicksand, have spent his 'lovely retirement' with his wife, a figure who would have dispelled his loneliness far more effectively than the 'the tress'. Further, I'm guessing by 'the tress' you mean 'the trees'. If not, is the 'tress' of which you write a strand of his young wife's hair?
- All in all, this paragraph is very confusing, even if (as I suspect you may be) you are attempting to evoke the all over the place-ness of a dying mind.
Para 4:
- 'The earth'... wasn't it sand in the first para? If you mean The Earth, as in the planet, you need to capitalise.
- 'his hands kept spinning for help'... In the first para, you say that Al 'struggled for minutes before he began signing. The sand would rise slower without his help'. Now, if the idea is that he stops struggling to slow the rising sands, surely his 'signing' would have the same effect? To put it another way, aren't struggling, signing and spinning all much the same thing is this situation? Maybe you meant 'singing', which might be a good idea if he wanted to attract attention? Shouting would have been even better, but maybe you intend Al (with his signing) to be a mute, capable only of 'gasp[ing]'? All very confusing. Maybe Al should just think fuck it and have a sexy party?
All in all, the basic idea is sound enough, but I'm afraid I can't see you yomping home with the prize if your story remains as confusing as this.
Some thoughts on the second story...
I like the basic idea. Have you actually written a story about a sinking ship in Morse code? Would you write it in dots and dashes, dahs and dits (the actual Morse sounds), or like so: -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- --. . (that's Morse code for, um, Morse Code). I like the final solution best, myself.
You could call the story something like, oh I don't know, 'The Ship Sinks', and then just present 200 words of Morse. That way, you could indicate what's going on, without a lengthy explanation.
Best of luck. |
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