BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


Two poems carry an olive branch

 
 
Princess
16:04 / 10.06.07
Just had this in my inbox. The person wants critique. Couldn't find the thread they asked for, so I made this thread. The crossover between email and barb has made it look not so shiny, but the text has remained unaltered for obvious reasons.

Two poems carry an olive branch:






Noise by Robert Redgrave



Suddenly in this dream I was printer's ink

Poured through the presses, patterned in every man's

mind,

Ideas lodged in his farthest recesses were mine,

Had taken in my angular black, the engrams

Of my pain under the presses.



Now I revenge for when one dies

I let him see it all clearly, all that he's learned

Now in it's entirety for the first time known,

Laid in front of his soul's eye, painfully learned…



Then lightly, laughingly, carelessly I withdraw my spirit.



Letters, sentences, paragraphs shudder and mingle, a little

black smear

Replaces each most delicate printed utterance,

A little ragged black snigger like a smudge



That bites like a scorched hole, spreading,

And each book blackens with thick noise

Full of the cries of the world lost in it.

And the libraries! They haemorrhage from their stacks.



So you would do well never again to read books

Nor to build up your children's brains on foundations of

books

For it is a bookless pain and it lacks pictures

And it is an ocean of night-pain and noise.





Silence by Secretposter

(A plagiarism of Robert Redgrave's 'Noise')







Suddenly in this dream I was virtual words

Light pouring from a screen, an illusory hand reaching for

yours,

Ideas in one moment, instant and immediate

Now shinning, lyrical but unsure, as an engram

Of need and expression



That never ends, and never dies

and is perpetuated and preserved, by each suspended,

fragmented mirage of life; the words of the text are

images trapped in glass and each one a mirrored facet of the soul …



Given freely, and uncensored, I carelessly give myself, I give my all.



Letters, sentences, paragraphs shudder and mingle, a skein

of white doves

Replaces each most delicate typed utterance

A white winged sign of days to come



That takes flight, over perfect binary hearts

Worn on quixotic and strange binary sleeves,

They silence all cries but those from which they are become.

And the Libraries! They haemorrahage from their fledged stacks!



So you would do well to read into everything

And build your tower of language on foundations of

Love.

For it is a wordless pleasure
That is in truth expressed.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
08:39 / 11.06.07
Nice - but about as nice as it can get. It's the old stickler - it doesn't seem to have much concrete refferent. Poems that we remember we remember because they are, ultimately, about some thing, as in some Noun. Now this is obvious in, say, Romeo and Juliet (it's "about" love and hate and families, but it's actually about two specific lovers, their families, and what happens between them), or Yeats' Leda and the Swan (it's "about" the union of human and divine conciousness, and it's "about" the beastly nature of human beings, but it's actually about a Swan raping somebody).

I argue that this is the case even in hard Modernist poetry - even in The Waste Land you'll find that each part is a coherent piece of narrative, even if said part is a small fragment.

I'm sorry if this isn't very useful - I'm not yet that good at critiquing indivual poems in this web format. The poems are both good.
 
 
Princess
21:06 / 14.06.07
I actually had the opposite reaction Allecto. I really liked the abstract nature. The idea of pouring out "like doves" just seems lovely.

When the poem did connect to something solid (computers/binary) I felt a little jarring. The prescence of computers next to all that soul stuff (doves, the colour white, text) felt like an intrusion. I'm not sure if that was intended.

If the poet would like to respond through secret emails then I wouldn't mind ferrying the messages. Hopefully we won't get anyone playing silly buggers.
 
  
Add Your Reply