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It's my birthday road trip animal pie vacation!

10:49 / 04.06.07

Well, Barbelith, it's my birthday, and it's about to get going. Let me bring you up to speed...

It's been a pretty dull year here at Forrest Whittaker U; I've been hitting the books pretty hard; no time for parties or girls and the like. I've also been holding down a couple of jobs to try and save up for a trip to Europe to visit all of those art galleries and museums during Spring Break.

The thing is, my jock friend, Ham, burst into our dorm last week claiming to have found the Holy Grail of parties. The legendary Delta Phi Kappa Kegg-a-thon, held across state. Every year it's held at a different and highly secret location. Ham swears that he knows where this years' Kegg-a-thon is being held... and it's all going down on my birthday. Today.

Now Ham, Presley (the ladies man), Junter (the fat one) and Kasparov (the foreign exchange genius) have persuaded me - against my better judgement - to use my Euro gallery money to buy this:

and we're going to drive across the state to find the Kegg-a-thon, and once we're there we'll all lose our virginities.

What could possibly go wrong? Who will we meet along the way and what adventures will we have?

As the old VW Camper chugs its way off campus, who's the security guard who waves us on our way with a world weary word of caution?

It's Cheech Marin!

"Boy, it's gonna be one crazy summer!"

11:01 / 04.06.07

Kegg-a-thon

Lord Keggers will be pleased. His plan is unfolding.

Virgins you say? All the better for sacrificing.

13:02 / 04.06.07

after a couple of wrong turns we find ourselves in gang territory! Junter wants to just keep driving, but Ham persuades us to pull up to a biker bar and ask for directions.

Myself and Ham enter the biker bar, which just so happens to be owned by...

Cheech Marin! He is only too happy to give us directions.

Meanwhile, outside, Presley is chatting to a gaggle of biker chicks, whilst Junter and Kasparov are admiring the row of beautifully polished motorcycles lined up outside the establishment.

Inside, Ham tells Cheech that it's my birthday and he insists that I have a shot of tequila on the house. He won't take no for an answer. As he passes me the glass Ham and I both realise that there's a tequila worm at the bottom.

The bikers all gather round to watch me drink. After psyching myself up I knock back the contents of the drink. The bikers cheer. Ham is horrified. "Dude, that's gross!" he says. "Don't worry," I reply, "the worm's still under my tongue." One of the bikers slaps me on the back and my sly grin turns to a look of choking nausea.

From outside there's an almighty crash and Presley sticks his head through the door and shouts "Cheese it!" The bikers all run outside to find that Ham has knocked over their row of bikes! We all jump into the camper and cheese it.

What the hell can happen next?

"Someone tell me they got the number of that camper..."

13:39 / 04.06.07

Is it our birthday? I think it is.

13:46 / 04.06.07

I'll be upset if you don't end up inside an enormous purple dinosaur.

16:09 / 04.06.07

Back on the road and Presley spots a couple of hitchhikers.
Female Swedish exchange student hitchhikers!

They introduce themselves as Hurda and Gurda. Kasparov has another asthma attack whilst Junter nervously chains his stash of Hershey bars.

Presley explains that it's my birthday, so Hurda and Gurda insist on giving me a traditional Swedish massage. Hurda lights some incense sticks whilst Gurda tries to take off my shirt and Presley hunts for his camcorder.

The sickly sweet smoke soon fills up the van, causing Ham to start swerving erratically between lanes. In no time at all we hear sirens and are promptly pulled over by a traffic cop.

It's Eugene Levy!

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to see your license and registration please."

Assuming that we're all potheads filming porno in the back of the camper Eugene calls his captain for backup. Within fifteen minutes of the description of the two female occupants of the camper being broadcast five police units are on the scene.

Eventually the captain arrives...

"What's all the commotion around here? Who's covering the bank heist over in Jackson?"

The five mobile units quickly leave the scene and Captain Marin chooses to interrogate Hurda and Gurda personally back at the station. Officer Levy writes us a ticket for speeding and sends us on our way.