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'Being there' for people in recovery from sexual assault

  
 
Saturn's nod
16:34 / 12.04.07
I'd like to hear from people about skills they use to help people who are in the process of recovery from sexual assault and rape.

I was frustrated last week that Epop seemed to have some interesting ideas but wasn't putting them in a way that made it possible for me to discuss them any further with him.

I think his point about the urgent necessity of establishing a very basic sense of safety grounded in the body is sound, and it also rings true to me that I can help others with that by holding a solid sense of my own safety and really modelling that so they can pick it up on a physical level.

How do people do that? How have people worked towards re-establishing a sense of safety and sacredness in the body?

I feel it's important to state that much as we want to be ale to talk to each other in the most meaningful way, there's not a way for Barbelith to be a safe space, as I understand it. So if you are a survivor who is in a vulnerable state it might be a good idea NOT to choose to disclose that in this thread. Also, because we're talking about difficult stuff it may have a triggering effect on people who are in certain stages of recovery: please take care and responsibility for yourself, and warm compassionate blessings to you.
 
 
Saturn's nod
17:38 / 12.04.07
Just noticed discussion in P&H 'Sex and relationship forum' thread - starting here with XK's question and containing some good points about related issues.
 
 
Quantum
17:52 / 12.04.07
Also I'd point to Princess Swashbuckling's super secret anonymous email facility.
 
 
Saturn's nod
19:47 / 12.04.07
I've been inspired by Peggy Senger Parsons' writing on this. Her blog posts here and here I think are a great start.

The first of them introduces a deep breathing practice, and the second one takes it on from there:

"There is another really important reason to get real friendly with your pelvic floor muscles.

If you can control them, you can conquer fear and stress.
I am not kidding."

and a bit more:

"It is the expanded position on the in breath that pulls the muscles away from the Vegas nerve and turns off the panic response. Then you return to the neutral position rather than the clenched. You should live in the neutral position. It should feel SOFT, not strained.
When you have a soft belly and pelvic floor you will be more mindful, more aware, and have more access to all your higher faculties. All martial arts master know this discipline – body ready and useful, but soft and aware.

Clenched warriors may be dangerous, but they are also most likely to die.
Soft warriors step aside as death rushes at them."

Peggy's one of my heroes, and she's a motorcycling pastor of Freedom Friends Church.
 
 
Mako is a hungry fish
12:15 / 13.04.07
I'd like to hear from people about skills they use to help people who are in the process of recovery from sexual assault and rape.

The first is detachment; being able to listen to them tell their story, shed their tears, and basically have them dump their negativity on me without my swept away by it all so that I can still be rational and positive both for them at that momment, and for myself the next day. I find that this is necessary to help them to help themselves, instead of simply being a crutch or an escape.

The second is attachment; being able to empathise with them, feel their pain, know in some way what they are going through and hence be able to say or do something useful (i.e not say "it could be worse - get over it"). This offsets the detachment, so that even though I can 'not care' about it, I can also be compassionate and gain that compassion without needing to suffer directly.

The third is analogy; being able to relate complex themes to simple and recognisable themes, in order to help with understanding. This comes in handy for those "why did this happen to me" momments, and the momments when I need be gentle in saying "you're not hurting your attacker by hurting those you love, you're only hurting yourself".

I could probably go on about this all day, but I'd probably end up listing every skill I've develped through magic and how it can be used to help others.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
12:19 / 13.04.07
Those links are great, Saturn's nod. Thank you.
 
 
Unconditional Love
14:24 / 06.05.07
Well, Id suggest taking the abuser to court, i have just started the process, and it feels really good, empowering, i think its the closure i need to move on, i have only contacted a specialist lawyer in this area so far, but already it feels quite good, i spoke to two lawyer friends yesterday and they suggested ways in which to move forward, which was well appreciated.

Aside from that keep up therapy, i dropped mine for neigh on 2 monthes and it hasnt left me in the best of places, but i start back this week after having come to the decision to take it through the courts. Although anger has been the overiding emotion this weekend, i think it may lead to a long sought clarity. Even if things dont go as i hope, i will have tried, and will know how to move on after the trial.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
14:38 / 06.05.07
Wolfangel, that's very courageous of you. I hope you find the closure you need.
 
 
This Sunday
15:11 / 06.05.07
I hope things work out for you, wolfangel. A friend of mine is setting out to take similar courtward bound actions, as well as outing the individual to their community, which is nice and tightly knit and apt to take care of things in their own way. Their headwoman hasn't a lot of patience for some cruelties.

By the time I finally felt I should do something, years after the issue (I was in the same city again, seeing old faces, et cet.), and was strongly considering some sort of legal action in case the person was taking advantage of other people... I found out they had, in the interim, been convicted of assaulting, abusing, and generally psychologically damaging a number of other people.

I then felt like a complete ass for having the immediate reflex action of being relieved or happier or something that it wasn't just me. What a selfish reaction, you know? I hadn't beat myself up about it, the whole time, but that part was purely me and damned if I didn't want to kick my own ass.

What's weird is that I've never denied what happened, in public or in person (level of detail varying, of course), but I've never actually typed out anything remotely approaching. And I never was able to wrap my head around any sexual aspect. It just struck me as meanness, assholity.

What's really weird and uncomfortable to me, is that I've talked with two friends recently about their own sex-assault (far more egregious and horrible than my own) complications, and they were both trying to get me to explain to them (this is twice in less than two weeks) why people thougth they could fix their problems with sex or sexual doings. As though anyone can explain this sort thing as anything but unhealthy and unfortunate.

I try very much to be a good listener and supportive, but I really couldn't deal very well with someone telling me the gave up on men because the last guy they dated thought he could cure her fear/disgust associated with anything going near her mouth if she just went down on him. Magick sex cures.

The way I view magick or the things I do that fall under that category, it's just trying to be a decent, civilised human being. Often, all I can do is try not to throw up or cry, and tell people I haven't any answer or suggestion, and no, I don't know why some people are just that damaged, be they cruel or just entirely blind to the world before them.

I do think I was helped through processing things by the fact that, growing up, sexual violence or cruelty was never really cut out of dialogues because there were children present. The gruesome details aside, just knowing that bad things happen and that they're not connected to... I never got the love=sex talk, which I know has made certain events in some of my friends lives much harder or more complicated for them to deal with.

I don't think I'll ever pretend to be a doctor, y'know? I'm not put together for fixing or healing people. At best, even at my most annoying, I'm just there. And I think, even if you're being completely useless, just being there is better than not. And knowing when to step back, perhaps, better than that. (I haven't ever quite figured out the stepping back part; I only really 'step back' from people I have no interest in associating with or even vaguely smelling again.)
 
 
Saturn's nod
12:45 / 14.06.07
Found a good resource book recently: it's written by a Christian chaplain, but I think some of the theology and resources in it might be portable. By Kristen J. Leslie, 'When violence is no stranger: pastoral counselling with survivors of acquaintance rape' Fortress Press, Minneapolis, 2003. ISBN 0800635752.
 
 
Ticker
13:15 / 14.06.07
ooh thanks for the recommendation.
 
 
Unconditional Love
18:04 / 17.08.07
My court case seems to be spreading into other continents, children in my infants class have spread out it would seem, locating them is part of what my solicitor is involved with.
This is so much bigger than me, i begin to wonder just how it has effected others lives and knocked on into their relationships.

Having sat in therapy over the last year, i have seen enough men to see just how it does effect them later in there adult life and i am still finding damaged parts of myself to reconcile, which is taking up alot of my magical practice at present.

It would seem that younger men are recognising abuse quicker than the approximate age of 35, which is good in a sense but bad in another, meaning they go through alot of shit in there late teens and early 20's, but at least this way they get to move on a little quicker and do not end up in such a mess hopefully.

I do not know if this would be a magical technique to help anybody else, but i am starting to work with saturn as a point of meditation and focus to really heal the wounds of the past. I know those abuse survivors that work with prayer find it useful from whatever traditional religion they may belong too, but since i dont belong in that sense, i am focusing my attention in that area, asking for healing and guidance related to the past.
 
 
Saturn's nod
11:54 / 04.09.07
I've found the Saturn thing really powerful and valuable in my own journey. To me (UPG!) there's a sense of 'the bottom line', 'the limit', 'reality', in the Saturn energy which is really helpful and supportive when I am willing to be humble enough to face it. I guess it connects for me with Byron Katie's advice about not arguing with reality because it only hurts.

Found another great book recently for PTSD: 'Invisible Heroes: survivors of trauma and how they heal' by Belleruth Naparstek, Piatkus 2006. It's based around an observation that nonverbal creativity and especially the use of mental imagery can be really helpful to people suffering from trauma. She points out that a lot of traumatised people have very strong ability to use trance and it's a good way to find that blessing by using it for healing. [Her website. ]
 
 
Unconditional Love
18:21 / 04.09.07
You know i argue with reality alot, threatening it, staying in bed for days, hurting myself, being a general arsehole to others and generally wanting to destroy it outright. It never really helps at all, but afterwards, and i think this is why i do it, i feel a great sense of relief that none of it came to bare fruit in any real way.

Saturn to me is about time and in some very real ways death, that final limitation to physicality. In many ways its that particular limitation that keeps me alive, not through fear but through knowing that peace and real equality exist for everybody at the end of the day, death in that sense is worth living for and life worth struggling with.

Its that profound relief it knowing that it all ends eventually. Sooner or later, it does not matter, life carries an inbuilt restraint.
 
 
Unconditional Love
08:49 / 05.09.07
Mars is another interesting one, i have a problem of late that has become more apparent as i have discovered certain people abusing me through the wound created by my abuse.

I didn't realise just how manipulated i had been by people that for all intense purposes continued to use my wound to rape me both mentally and emotionally. That has been an unpleasant revelation on my part, some of them very close friends at one time or another.

Well i engaged with mars yesterday through trance work, using a mirror, while sitting totally rapt unable to move and watching my face morph into a variety of spirits, it appears i have been able to form a pact with the various planetary spirits of mars to sort out these would be abusers.

How they go about it i will leave to them, i really believe in forgiving people, but i had had enough of this particular situation, the people involved were themselves abused as children by there mother, they refuse to seek help or healing in any way, perhaps with a little Martian healing they will learn not to try to shoulder all there pain on other people.

I believe in giving people time to heal, but when the wound itself becomes a crutch to inflict hurt and pain on others, i think other measures have to be taken, life has to present some form of events to provoke healing, i intend my self defence to add to that, but alot of that depends on those people being ready to heal, they know they are wounded but are trying every trick they can manage to not face there own wounds.

The crazy thing is none of it would of come to my attention if they had not of tried to make me shoulder there burden, but now i know and have had enough courage to face myself i cannot turn away and let them start pushing their unresolved hurt and pain at other people, i fear they run the risk of becoming abusers in one way or another as they have already displayed that behaviour towards me.

Anybody with more experience of this kind of thing have any advice. I knew i have attracted other abuse survivors to me for a majority of my life, but this is just ridiculous and overwhelming in some respects, which is why i went off looking for the spiritual A-team from mars. They were very smiley and there were alot of them willing to lend a hand or foot.

Realising now that i have also attracted potential abusers to myself as well, and that is kind of frightening, enough to give me thoughts of going back to a martial art pretty damn soon.
 
 
Unconditional Love
17:47 / 25.09.07
I have put myself forward as a volunteer for my local rape crisis line to see if they need a male survivor to answer the phone or counsel. Since i have not been for therapy for sometime now, about 6 monthes or coming close too i thought i would make use of my counselling skills certificate and see if i could get training on top of that to help out, from what i read at the rape crisis web site they offer training.

I would not mind some advice from other survivors come volunteers on how to approach this kind of work should it become a viable position for me.

My main reason for putting myself forward first off is because there are no services for men in my area, i had to travel quite a distance to find services which was pretty costly on hardly any money, my second being that i think i can help.

Any thoughts from anybody that has counselled at all.
 
 
Papess
18:03 / 25.09.07
I would not mind some advice from other survivors come volunteers on how to approach this kind of work should it become a viable position for me.

I am very happy that you are finding yourself able to take this kind of work on. There is not as much support out there for male survivors, specifically. That said, I hope that you will have the support you need if this volunteer work triggers bad memories or other difficulties for you. Does the organization have this in place for it's volunteers? Some do, so please look into it. Helping other survivors can be difficult, and we all definitely need the support of one another.

Also, thank you, Wolfangel, for volunteering your time to such a worthwhile cause. Many blessing to you.
 
 
Unconditional Love
22:24 / 28.09.07
Having thought about the above i do bot think now is the right time to go forward with something like this at present. I talked to a therapist who ran a crisis line and he spoke of the kind of things he had to deal with over the line and how some callers would use the line, while he acknowledged that it was a nessecary service he also made the point of how stressful it could be and the kind of content i am likely to deal with.

I do not think i am ready for that at this point in my recovery, perhaps further down the line.
 
 
Papess
22:38 / 28.09.07
Good that you recognize that now then. When you are ready, there will be people that will need help. Take good care of yourself in the meantime.

Blessings to you, Wolfangel.
 
 
Quantum
09:07 / 17.03.08
Arioch posted a lot elsewhere, which I am compiling here instead;


[deleted as unhelpful to thread and content PM'd to Arioch]
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:08 / 18.03.08
I'm not sure this is much of an improvement, frankly. The above screed is still barely intelligable, still contains much that is frankly offensive, such as the clear anti-feminist comments. And it is still off-topic, especially since this is a thread for supporting recovery and Wolfangel's comments are, at their essence, anti-recovery--an exhortation to stay sick, stay damaged, with recovery portrayed as supportive of abuse.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
10:13 / 18.03.08
Not trying to be difficult, but I wonder if this isn't too serious a subject to be addressed on an internet message board. Where, let's face it, poster x can say anything ze likes, however crass, stupid or offensive, if inadvertently most of the time, it might be.

Post after intelligent, humane post is so easily disrupted by a short paragraph of well-intentioned (or otherwise) b*ll*cks.
 
 
Quantum
12:37 / 18.03.08
Delete proposed.
 
 
Quantum
12:12 / 19.03.08
I'm proposing a ban and locking the thread, here's the discussion-
Policy link
 
  
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