| |
|
I whipped up a small situation over at the newest ANTM thread by calling one of the contestants a bitch, and once I learned that it had unhealthy misogynistic connotations I went about doing the damage control necessary by changing the thread title and initial post, while also engaging with some other posters over at the Policy. All well and good, yes? Wellll... Mordant Carnival posted that she had been called a stupid bitch all her life, a fact that surprised me because to my knowledge, my current female friends are not plagued by such blatant misogyny. Which was quite curious once I got to thinking. It wasn't always this way, you see. Let me explain and illuminate a bit further.
I had obviously changed a great deal in the last 3½ years. A change which was completely necessary because the place I was in before it happened proved to be not sustainable as a mode of living. And this mode of living had slowly become my raison d'être up until that point in time, and when it was yanked away from me and I made the conscious decision to never go back to where I was, I had a difficult time trying to find, in a sense, me.
I, and some others, had gradually amassed a complicated relationship with Barbelith and it's members, a lot of which I'm not willing to delve too deep into because I do not wish to compromise the others with untold tales. What I'm willing to share, though, are wellknown enough that it serves no purpose to dance around the edges of what I personally think is still, after all these years, a complicated area of my history and that of the others.
During a vulnerable time of our cooperation for what eventually became the www.waisays.com site, I thought it best to spread information about the site far and wide -- there were many sites about food and diet where my posts were quickly deleted, as I remember it -- and somehow, by chance, I happened upon Barbelith. It hadn't at the time existed for too long (this was ca. end of August/early Sept. 2000) and was wonderful and strange, and probably far too bolstered by subversive ideas born out of, among others, I guess, the Invisibles. I'd never read more than the two first issues when they were originally published -- too dull for my tastes -- and I can't read it now. I tried in conjunction with the reread threads but I just can't. Dull, dull, dull. More into the JLA and the restless, kinetic energy they exude, I am. Anyway. I posted, and out of it, because it was important for the survival of the site, we deviced a plan to provoke discussion and, ultimately, thereby advancing some controversial thoughts in order to do good for other people. Keywords being diet, patriarchal socities, conspiracies by pharmacological industries and paedophilia. The overall message being that women were superior to men, although this fact could get lost in patriarchal socities, as most of ours are. I learned more about women and their biochemical bodies than most women know.
Over the years, and I have my recollections and theories on why it is, it turned to something of a more, well, Icke-laden outlook. Strange stuff was happening in my life, and I mean real strange; I was also at a couple of points during my membership at Barbelith near death because of the hardship I endured at the time. And the strange stuff only increased. I still can't get my head around what exactly happened back then because some of these things was not shit only in my head -- I had witnesses, I had others more grounded than me who saw the improbability of it all, and who were creeped out by the strange stuff. Out of that, we tried to channel all that strange stuff, and that's where it began to go wrong. At first we were critical but after a few instances that were strange and hardly explainable, we were less so.
Which got worse and worse. And I had that day that proved to be lifechanging for me. My worldview had become increasingly nihilistic and at a time where I was set to move to another country, to do some kind of, uh, work, I had an accident with my bike. I broke a couple of teeth and bucked a few more after a night of nihilistic harddrinking. At the same time I had my accident, something had happened with one of the key people I was to move to, which was a bitter synchronistic pill to wallow, and so there I was, with a home I no longer had a lease on, no income because I had also given it up because I'd move in a couple of weeks, and fucking broken teeth that would cost me a fortune (and which have) to fix. I had to live at my parents house for a couple of months, and during, I denounced everything that had led up to that sorry, sad point. I no longer took empathy as truth, I no longer took my feelings and thoughts about other people as truth, and I most certainly no longer took the strange, strange stuff as truth.
I set about changing myself. And it was difficult. And I faltered. And I struggled. But I think I changed myself so much that I've made it a point to get as little exposure to other peoples pain as possible. I no longer followed what happened around the world, I don't watch the news, I don't read any newspapers, I stopped everything that was reminiscent to anything prior to the change.
And the constancy changed me. And I'm not sure I like that change, because I wouldn't -- SHOULDN'T -- have to find the fact that Mordant Carnival has been called a stupid bitch strange.
I'm quite passionate about this because there's very little screen between my real self and the ficsuit now, and I wish I could write more but some friends are there with disctractions and all, so I'll have to continue one of these coming days because I obvs. have a lot more to write, but, in order to not let this thread be solely about me, I'll ask, are you surprised of what you've become? |
|
|
