Well, I think I finally got up the courage and bloody thumbs to post my first thread.
Here's a poem I've written a year ago, I've rewritten it several times, but I'm not sure if it's a complete failure or pretty good.
The first and the final:
She was the first, she became through dark a being
Where there was nothing her nothingness drifted
forever it seemed, although she never was before her time.
When the first dawn graced her and life finally faced her
thoughts came to flesh and bone but no breath yet was taken.
Wonder filled her senses and her mind,
her eyes still could not peer beyond what she owned.
Was she to remain alone, to hurt in all of reality
in nothing extended yet beyond herself?
She thought upon her existence
and found it impossible she'd come to be
"Something should be here", she pondered,
"I should not be alone"
There was nothing yet for her to call home
but the body she inhabited
Then a thought at first came wandering alone:
"What are the words for creation?"
He would be the final, he would become dark through being
Wherever there was anything, he had drifted
forever it seemed, he had existed through space and time
When the stars were born, and life tore itself from ashes
thought came to many creatures, even worlds; all were now taken
Wonder no longer filled his senses and his mind
his eyes had seen everything too long ago
Was to be so, the end of hurt and reality
nothing to remain extended, not even himself
He thought upon the last of existence
and found it peaceful that he was no longer to be
"Nothing should be here", he pondered,
"I should not be alone"
There was nothing left for him to call home
but the body he inhabited
Then a thought at last came wandering alone:
"What are the words for salvation?"
...
I'm wondering if some of the barbelithers could critique it for me, in terms of rhythm, writing style, value of content, etc. Tell me if it's good or just plain rubbish, because I need to know what the value of my writing is. |
