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Another post from a secret poster:
"Okay, I've cheated. I had a crush on someone for a while, and tried to deal with it by talking about it with the person, openly admitting it. Well, the crush was mutual (I knew this anyhow.) Then after about a month of avoiding each other and being very well behaved, we got durnk together and I kissed hir. Not just kissed. Did as much as was possible without removing any articles of clothing. I told my partner about it a few days later. Ze wasn't impressed and asked me to cut all contact with the person. Well, I tried to cut contact, but it didn't work. So for a few weeks, I saw the person on lunch breaks at work, lots of lying in parks talking and kissing and trying to figure out whether it was serious. And to my partner, I pretended that I had dealt with the problem. This didn't last long -- it was like maintaining two selves in parallel universes. Incredibly tiring. Plus I felt like a fucking asshole. So I broke up with my partner. I didn't tell her what had been happening.
Why do people cheat? For any number of reasons. I think I became attracted to someone else because things had been really difficult with my partner for a long time -- life had been difficult for both of us -- and I felt like the relationship had become about domesticity and weighty responsibility rather than joy/fun/lightness. I always wanted to be non-monogamous, but my partner didn't; I'd gone along with that for a long time because I never felt attracted in an urgent way to anyone else until the crush happened. But by that stage, we had already detached from each other quite a lot. It wasn't about making my partner jealous, or playing a game within the internal dynamic of the relationship. I think it was a sign that we were ready to break up.
But the dishonesty, I feel bad about that. I didn't have the courage to be honest, I guess. I didn't want to hurt my partner. I didn't want it to become a weapon I could use to make hir feel rejected. But I witheld knowledge that ze might have used to decide what ze wanted: ie, I'm pretty sure that if ze knew I was still seeing the crush, ze would have told me to leave straight away. This way I gave myself time to make the decision about staying or leaving. Really, I was managing the situation for my benefit. I don't feel trustworthy or ethically 'just'. So I'd suggest that if you really want to fuck someone else, be honest about it. Don't be cruel, but be as honest as you can be. Otherwise, you just give yourself food for hating yourself. Which is maybe why some people do it in the first place. "
(Also, you're welcome, you mysterious poster you.) |
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