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Here's a familar story, I'm sure:
8 years ago, I was graduating college. For the middle part of that time in my life, I was best friends with a girl. Our majors were similar, we had a lot of classes together, and hung out quite a bit. We were very close and basically inseparable day to day. We celebrated together, commiserated together, movies were our binding hobby, etc. She had a boyfriend back home, which made things easy, I thought. No possibility of relationship. Of course, I was wrong, because as time went on, I developed feelings. As time went further on, I became increasingly conflicted and confused about this, and probably pushed too far. Not probably, I did. I guarantee I did nothing unsavory, except develop some possessive qualities. Once I realized what I was doing I backed off right away. She wanted to know why and I was too afraid to tell her the actual truth, and eventually we "broke up," for lack of a better term. It was horrible, it was literally like breaking up with a S.O.
Towards the end of that year, we reconciled briefly, and attempted to fall into our old pattern. I thought I was doing quite well, but apparently, she was still nervous about me, so she drifted away again. At that point, my opinion was, bluntly "fuck her, then," and I never looked back.
I saw her at the graduation ceremony (mutual friends), we hugged and said our congratulations. So we graduated, she went somewhere, I went somewhere else. I thought that was it.
But, within the last few years, once in awhile she pops up in my dreams or I see something that reminds me of her (her mannerisms and humor were heavily influenced by Conan O'Brien, of all people, so I hardly ever watch that anymore), and I spend a day or so thinking about her idly, and wondering what she's doing. I've tried Google to see what she's up to. She was a painter/artist, so I figured she would have some sort of presence. I've seen that she has had a few group shows in a certain city.
I decided that maybe I need to contact her and get some kind of closure. I sent a holiday card to her parent's house, with some old photos of college times in it and told her that I didn't expect it, but to give me a ring, if she wanted to. No response yet.
This brings me around to my purpose. Why do I think I need closure? I don't feel obsessed or particularly bothered by this, but I certainly have moments where thinking of how our friendship ended, I get very sad and it makes me mad at myself. I probably should have just admitted my feelings and dealt with it then and there. We might still be friends, if rejection came swift and decisively. In all my years of friendships and even relationships, I've never had a bigger sense of loss and regret. It's almost like someone dying, to be honest.
Do you have friendships you've lost and regret? Ever done anything about it? Am I just pining or crazy? I certainly don't discount that possibility. |
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