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Ok, whether or not anyone else has noticed, i feel pretty bad about this. There are quite a few threads on Barbelith where i've posted pretty controversial stuff, of the sort which it's probably OK to post if you're willing to come back to the thread on a regular basis, check the replies, and post replies to the replies further explaining the points and responding properly to the debate, but which it's really not OK, at least on Barbrelith, to post and then just leave without further response.
There are even more threads (in fact, vastly more) on which i've wanted or intended to post, in some cases since first seeing them several months ago, but haven't posted what i've wanted to, due to some unspecified and not-quite-understood inability to get my words together sufficiently coherently to post them, despite (usually) having a pretty clear idea of what i want to say in my head. (Some of these threads have since moved on in directions which would make what i wanted to post to them, say, a couple of weeks ago, no longer relevant or now out of place in the evolved version of the thread. Including some threads that were down on, like, page 7 or something of some fora and were resurrected to the top by other people within a day or so of me thinking about posting on them, which is possibly kind of spooky.)
This is the thread in which i try and work out why this is, and humbly ask for forgiveness for behaviour which probably looks like trolling to most people in the former case, and just general failure-to-contribute in the latter. And also possibly ask for advice on how to post more freely without fear of incoherence, misunderstanding or Looking Like A Troll.
I am, generally, not a very "together" person at all (i have major problems with social anxiety, depression, self-hatred, difficulty in effectively communicating my ideas, and all kinds of other fucked up stuff less easy to succinctly describe), and in particular have not had a very stable existence recently, and worrying about real-life events has somewhat dissociated me from all the internet communities i would like to be involved with (to the extent of stopping posting altogether on some i used to be very prolific on, whereas on Barbelith i kind of feel like i have never really started posting at the levels of frequency i wanted to when i first became aware of the place). This, however, isn't an excuse, and, while some might say "it's only the internet, it's not as important as real life", the internet is part of real life, and i do feel real guilt at starting arguments and then leaving the people i'm arguing with hanging without me returning to the argument...
So, am i a troll, in Barbelith's terms, for acting like this? If so, and on the off chance that anyone else has experienced similar, what are good ways to not be a troll? (apart from the obvious, just posting when i say i'll post - what i need is to get over the silly feelings of fear and inadequacy in order to do that...)
How can i properly become up to the posting standard of Barbelith? |
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