Barbelith Underground > Temple > Request for Tarot Reading

Hey all,
the few days have turned out to have beena few weeks. But hey, it has been a time of no small upheaval. I'll just post xk's reading below and interupt to show how it was/is/will/wasn't/isn't/won't be relevant.

To begin with the reading showed your current state as emotionally guarded and closed but with the desire to be open and to pursue dreams. Thoughts of a earthy, stable, but emotionally closed person (male) who has a well formed sense of maturity and tangible resources. In relation to this person you are feeling emotionally drained and disappointed.

Um, that's frighteningly on cue. The earthy, stable but emotionally closed person could only be one person. He's my SO, and I've been transferring my own dissatisfaction and feelings of stagnation onto him. I've been calling him boring and telling him to stop wasting his life.
I've been feeling emotionally very stale, and found it hard to communicate. To be honest I've been slightly ashamed of the whole depression thing. But at the same time, I've started to feel such an intense desire for something. I can't really say what it it is, but I know that when I can't get it I get frustrated. A friend suggested I was looking for "it", and there obviously is no "it". I try and find it in the boyf but he quite obviously cannot provide it.

Your future path is one of emotional tenderness, gentle compassion and friendship though not limited to sexual. This is a very spiritual path of compassion.
Your recent past has been about fixing imbalances through experimentation and your current emotional closure is due to having given too much of your resources away during these experiments.

I can't see any direct relevance. But I suppose it's in the future isn't it? The emotional tenderness and compassion is somethign I'm trying to practice with myself. I kind of feel sort of tender, like a healing burn or some kind of very small plant. I get this sense that I should just be kind to myself right now, just let myself unfold into whatever shape I need to be.
In terms of friendship, I'm not sure. TBH, I'm being a bit of a hermit at the moment. I feel very alone. I'm finding it impossible to communicate or absolve my emotions in others, so I've kind of stopped trying. I'm still talking and going out, but there is a feeling like I'm not really there. I'm just not maknig contact with other human beings.
I'm not sure how I feel about this part of the reading. While it does seem ping on a few of my tender spots, I can't see any definite links. I suppose that's the thing with future.

Your currently being positioned to focus on a material tangible goal. Part of how the Universe is positioning you is by removing the opportunities or means by which you have been giving away too much of your time and energy. Your current task is a mental task and the challenge is for you to think your way through the course of action. If you focus on the task at hand it will however lead you to an emotionally rich and gentle friendship.

This seemed to fit. I actually am finding it almost impossible to do academic work. I just have this overwhelming sense of this is not what you should be doing. The depression, whilst internally generated, certainly felt like an outside force. And I do actually think I won't be at uni for that much longer. I feel that all that panty-wasting I'm doing here is just such an immense waste of time.

You haven't been listening to your intuition specifically because you haven't wanted to make the hard choices you know you must make. There is a sense of wasting time treading water intentionally because you didn't want to let go of certain aspects of your life. Too much focus on emotional reasoning and relationships has caused you to stagnate and so events will be taken out of your hands. Things will begin to change possible in ways you won't notice until afterward. Hard but pleasing work is required. One cycle of your life is ending and a new one beginning which will in time bring you closer to your goals and dreams of emotional fulfillment.

Yes. I've been stagnated. I'm not so sure how it links to relationships. I suppose that the main reason I ahven't followed through on many of my more dramatic plans has been because they would upset other people. Or so I thought, now I'm not so sure. To be honest, that has in part been a good things. Plan's for renovating of life don't get much more aggressive and unpleasant than intentionally failed suicide attempts, it was only guilt that stopped me doing a fair few pretty grotesque things along those lines. But yes, I suppose it's also stopped me from going on trips, taking the less psychotic risks and being generally more alive.

Okay so that's the long version. The short version is you have been intentionally distracting yourself from moving on, procrastinating some tangible project you know you should be working on and in general not getting down to the work you know you need to do. You've been ignoring your own inner wisdom which is causing you great pain and inner conflict. You're projecting this onto your relationships and resenting other people's lacks when in fact it really is time for you to go do your work and not play second fiddle in some one else's life.
As soon as you begin to listen to your self obstacles will be removed and you'll feel a vast improvement even if external indications of change are slow coming. At the end of this cycle is a very nourishing and generous friendship that will help you with adjusting to your new self perception.

you need to have faith in yourself and not to feel like you require a valid in place in someone else's life. You are valid and wonderful and have your own work to do.

All cool. I actually do feel like there are tangible projects starting to happen. Project Invasion for one. My writing is flying again. Neither is particularly practical, but this is how I want to live. How I've always wanted to live. I should stop being so terrified of failure and just try it.
Anyone got anything they think I'm missing? xk, is what I'm saying fitting with your grokking of the cards?