He told his wife he wanted to divorce. She told him no. Then she cried.
She told him not to leave. She said he was her everything. He was her joy and her only love. And then she reached for him but he pulled away.
Mike wasn’t leaving because he didn’t love her. And it wasn’t for another woman. He was leaving because he had to. Because one more day with this woman may kill this man. One more question like “Why do we call toothpaste ‘toothpaste’? Shouldn’t we call it teethpaste?” may cause him to loose control of what little sanity he still held.
Seemingly harmless, this is really a sign of the woman’s narcissistic personality disorder.
She stood over the man, blocking his light as he was trying to read. She was holding a tube of toothpaste.
“This is bullshit,” she said, waving the tube over his face. “I want you to call customer service.” She pointed at the little six point font customer service 1-800 number on the back of the tube. The man acted like she wasn’t even talking. He turned a page in the book. He gulped his beer. And then he put the book down and turned on the TV. She stood over him the whole time, waving the tube of toothpaste. She started waving it faster and faster. But he just sat there, Jay Leno was on.
“Call them!” She said. “Call the number.”
Leno was doing some stupid pet trick tonight, it was cracking Mike up and making Mike’s wife really angry.
She threw the tube at his head and knocked over his beer.
“Call that number. Tell them we are suing!” She said.
“There is nothing rational I can say to that sweetheart,” he shrugged.
“I am being rational! Now call them,” She handed him the phone. She had already dialed the number.
But there’s more. At last year’s Thanksgiving dinner she made Mike’s grandma faint.
Yep. All the family was there, gathered around the turkey, drinking wine as Mike’s dad carved into the bird.
Mike’s wife was sitting next to Great Grandma Wilson who only likes to do two things: drink wine, and tell stories. And she loves to do them both at once.
So Grandma was drunk and slobbering on about how she had met Mike’s grandfather.
“I was on a school trip to Phoenix, that’s were Mike’s great grandfather is from. He sat next to me on the bus on my first day there. We got to talking and then dating. I was only there for a week,” she said as a smile wrinkled her face. “But I saw him every evening and we would go walking under the stars.”
“Wow grandma, sounds like you had fun,” Marry said.
“I did, but I wish hadn’t of sat on that cactus though, I couldn’t sit down for three days.”
Marry smiled. “Grandma don’t be shy. You can say it. If grandpa was built at all like my husband then I know what your talking about.” She beamed her gaze a crossed the table to Mike who she thought was choking on an olive.
“You okay babe?” She asked as she cornered around the table.
Grandma was flushed red. Dad had stopped carving the turkey and Mike’s 17-year-old brother Johnny just grinned like a Cheshire cat watching a mouse.
Mike wished himself invisible. “This is going to be worse than last year,” he said quietly.
“Babe are you all right?” Marry asked. Mike nodded his head.
She stood behind him and caressed his shoulders.
“So anyway grandma, you can tell the truth,” Marry raised her eyebrows and locked eyes on the now scarlet great grandma Wilson.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” grandma said. “I sat on a cactus.”
“Oh come on grandma! The men of this family are well equipped. We all know that,” she paused and winked at Mike’s younger brother. “I mean hell I couldn’t sit down for a week after the first time Mike and I were together.”
Every man, woman, and child in that room gasped at the exact same moment. Grandma Wilson, who had not stood on her own two feet in 15 years, rose up out her wheelchair. The old woman, who was flushed red only moments ago, was now as white as a wedding dress.
Grandma didn’t say anything. She wavered on her feet a bit. Mike started to get up, but she motioned him to sit. She cleared her throat. It was a terrible noise like a car trying to start on a cold winter morning. Finally she opened her mouth as she pointed at Marry.
“I had just met my husband for the first time. I hadn’t seen his “equipment” because we weren’t married until a year later.” Grandma gave Marry a curt nod and one of those terrifying angry looks that only old women can give. Then she locked her sad eyes on Mike.
Marry just smiled. “Oh grandma you don’t have to be embarrassed. Mike and I had sex lots of times before we were married.”
And that’s when Grandma fainted. She hit the ground pretty hard. Mike’s dad gently scooped up the old woman. No one spoke. Marry looked confused.
“I’m taking her to the hospital.” He said.
The family went crazy the moment the door clicked shut.
Mike’s mom was sobbing. Uncle Tom was cursing into his cell phone. His younger brother was staring at Marry’s breasts. Marry was sitting on the couch and talking to herself.
“Marry,” he said. “Mary!” He snapped his fingers.
“What just happened?” she asked without looking up or moving an inch.
“You may have just killed my grandmother you crazy bitch!” Said Mike’s mom.
Mike’s little brother Johnny came out of the bathroom just in time to stare at his prim and proper mother use the term ‘crazy bitch’.
“This is better than reality TV. Its so cool,” he went in for a high-five from Mike, but Mike left his brother hanging.
Uncle Tom was still on the phone. He looked up at Johnny who still had his hand hanging in the air waiting for the high-five.
“Hey Johnny get the fuck out of here! We don’t need your goddamn funny shit right now.”
Then Uncle Tom turned his back to the room and went on cursing into the phone. Johnny flipped the bird to Uncle Tom’s backside.
“Hey! Don’t think I didn’t see that you little fuck,” Said Uncle Tom.
“Yeah man reality TV at my house,” said Johnny as he stalked down the hall.
“What just happened?” Marry asked again.
Mike almost forgot about Marry. “Wouldn’t that be nice?” he thought.
Mike’s mother puffed out her chest and was about to speak before Mike raised a hand and covered her mouth.
“Marry, sweetheart, I need you to wait in the car please. I will be right out,” Mike said. His hand still over his mother’s mouth, and she wasn’t liking it.
Marry was in a daze and to Mike’s surprise she actually did get up and walk outside to the car.
Mike took his hand from his mother’s mouth. She slapped him, and then she slapped him again.
“That woman is never welcome in this house again, and if your great grandmother dies, Marry is out of the family for good.”
“Mom, Marry is my wife and I love her,” Mike said.
“Yes, she is your wife and she is making you crazy.”
“Maybe she is,” he said. Then he walked away from his family.
“Hey where do you think you’re going?” asked Uncle Tom. Mike didn’t answer, he just kept walking.
Johnny leaned out the window when Mike came through the front door.
“Reality Fuckin TV man. I’m telling you, MTV would pay you cash money.”
But Mike didn’t answer he just kept walking. “Wow, today my great grandma stood for the first time in 15 years. And it was because of Marry. Now that’s something,” he mused.
He did love her. He had genuine fondness for the woman, he would have to. And she was beautiful. She was truly stunning.
Mike and Marry had this sick chemistry. They were completely wrong for each other and had nothing in common. She doesn’t like reading. She doesn’t like art and she hates watching the news or discussing current events. But She does like shopping, Brittany Spears, and hanging out with her friends. She hates poker but likes the color pink. In fact, she had pink carpet laid in every room of the house and surprised Mike when he came home with his friends, Scott and Brady, on poker night.
“Pink is the new tan,” she told the guys. “Oh Mike don’t you just love it? I found it at this little store on Fremont Street. I got a 10 percent off because the sales man liked me! I wasn’t sure about pink, but they only had the one role so I had to decide right away, right?” She paused to catch her breathe. “And the sales guy said that ‘pink is the new tan’ and pretty soon everybody is going to have it.”
All testosterone pretty much left the building at that point.
“So who’s up for bowling?” Scott asked.
“Yeah, bowling sounds great,” said Brady. “Oh, and Mike, love the carpet. See you tomorrow.”
“What you talking about? I’m coming with you guys,” Mike said.
“Oh, I just figured that you and your wife had some things to talk about.”
“No way, nigga, let’s get our game on. Check it.” Mike said with a grin as he winked at his wife. “Honey carpet looks great, I love it. See you in about four hours. I’m going bowling.”
“But I thought you were playing poker here tonight.”
“Yeah, so did I.” And he walked out.
The guys gave him grief about the pink carpet all night. But Scott did say something that made Mike think. Scott asked “Does Marry understand the difference between right and wrong?”
Mike had never thought of the possibility. Right and wrong seem to be so fundamental that he assumed every one knew the difference. How could she not know the difference? Why did end up with this woman? And worst of all he couldn’t explain his love for her.
“Guys, I think I may be going crazy.”
Mike jumped up and ran to the bathroom. He sat on a dirty bowling alley toilet and really considered the possibility that he had truly gone mad. He thought about the things people never say and why they don’t. He even prayed, but kept it short because he knows that god is a busy man. He loved his wife, but he didn’t like spending time with her. He didn’t even really like her very much. So it was here in the bathroom of Big Al’s bowling alley that Mike had a real revelation. The neon sign gave the tiles an ominous glow, and Mike had been drinking, but it seemed to him that he heard a voice saying: “Get out while you still can, LEAVE YOUR WIFE she is making you crazy. run Mike run! (He later discovered that that the voice was Brady whispering from the next stall over). But all the same, the next day is where this story started. It started with Mike telling Marry that he had to divorce her because he was going crazy. He wanted out, and he meant to get out.
“I don’t understand why you don’t want to be with me!” She pulled at his arm. “I’ll get a job, I will. I won’t sleep all day anymore.”
He always thought that she was sexy when she was being ridiculous.
He nearly spoke, but paused. His heart and mind were going north and south.
She whimpered, Mike couldn’t tell if she was crying or trying to be sexy. She raised one hand to wipe her eyes and she reached the other down in his pants with a suddenly sly smile.
She left her hand there very casually and she sniffled her runny nose.
“You can come home for lunch. I’ll suck your cock in the middle of the day while you eat a sandwich,” she said. “I’ll be perfect you, just never ever leave me.”
He was a deer, she was the headlights.
The craziness was creeping in on his resolve. He could feel it come alive within him. It consumed his will.
“I don’t think this can work.”
“Why not?” She asked. Mike couldn’t think of an answer. He was burned out and broken a long time ago. Craziness is just the final nail in this marriage and he knew it from the day he said “I do.”
Marry sniffled and coughed before blowing her nose on her sleeve. Her hand was still in his pants and he wasn’t happy about it. But He didn’t stop her. He let himself go into the madness. “I can leave tomorrow,” Mike said. |
