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Break ups

12:53 / 04.10.06

I’m in the midst of a very messy breakup, the details of which I will not divulge, but thought I’d seek out some answers from others who are wise in this area. While my head swims with anger, it is hard for me to figure out what I’m going to do with myself. Self destruction - alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide, etc. - is not really an option for me. What are some of the things that you’ve done or thought about to help you make that transition?

My wife and I are seperating after nine years... I will write more on all this later...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:55 / 04.10.06

Sorry to hear that, BGK... can't offer much help, really. My preferred coping strategy has always been alcohol, usually following by self-harming, but the consequences have always been more disastrous than those of the break-ups themselves. So you're probably right to steer clear.

13:08 / 04.10.06

I'm thinking a lot about EMOTIONS and being EMOTIONAL, and how important it is for me to try and stimulate my intellectual side to level it out with the emotional. Otherwise, I could be done in by my anger, feeling sorry for myself, and continue to make horrible decisions. By morning, I realized getting drunk last night helped my problems not in the least.

The really hard part is living with her still, because of financial instability, and looking for a new place to live, but being really impatient for this new change and feeling the pain of being in her presence day to day...

13:21 / 04.10.06

I did a lot of strenuous exercise.

That helped me. Routine. Pain. Self-improvement.

14:18 / 04.10.06

**HUGGLES**

Also grant is dead on sometimes the best thing to do is embrace that you are going to be insane and pick which flavor is least destructive yet still cathartic.

I walked/jogged 20 lbs off myself after the last really messy breakup. Was aggressive and crazy and listening to music to match but avoided any long term badness.

As fucked up as everything is right now you have to keep your focus on the exit end of the tunnel. Time moves forward carrying you passed all of this bullshit, confusion, and complexity. Act and react with the most generousity you can if not for the other person than for the sake of your future self. Of course it is about getting yourself out and into a better space but in the process stick to your ideals of how you wish to act in the world.

It's the hardest thing in the world to get stomped on and yet refrain from dishing it back, but if you are still living together it is the best thing you can do for now. You can endure it, every shitty moment of it, and the reward is your freedom from ever having to deal with it again.

Act and be the person you are most proud of. Save the ugly needful explosions for off screen of the relationship.

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

14:24 / 04.10.06

I really feel for you BGK. It's a form of mourning and can be so painful you can feel like things will never get any better.

When it happened to me I surrounded my self with my friends and family and people I really cared for. The reassurance and support they provided was invaluable.

The most horrible part was the period when we were still living together and things got much better once I managed to find my own space again.

Things will improve, BGK, even though it may not seem like it right now.

14:33 / 04.10.06

Oh my dear! That really does suck big cheesey cocks, especially having to cohabit while it is still all unravelling.

My best advice to girl friends under such circumstances is to get their inner goddess to put on some clean knickers and get on with the business of preventing isolation compounding the inevitable self pity. I think that boys have a goddess in their too, maybe you should try and find her and take her out for a party.

Do your self a favour and acknowledge your emotional self. You no doubt have every right to be angry, as has she. We do these things together after all. Once acknowledged though try to remember that you can never do anything to alter another persons attitudes/desires, all you can do is cultivate your own to be their most useful.

Recently had the latest break up with the on-again-off again-some-time-love-of-my-life. This happened while our new born babies were still in the Special Care Baby Unit. Plenty of scope for bitterness and anger. I think you have to go there, it's how you feel man, no point denying yourself. Once you've had a walk around the inside of your fury though, I found there came a point where you have to acknowledge that if this person does not want to spend their life with the incredible, creative, intellegent (and so on and so forth) human being that you are, then fuck 'em and all who sail in 'em!

So, keep your chin up, this too shall pass, and sundry other truisms. X

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

15:49 / 04.10.06

I will third grant's recommendation.

All Acting Regiment

15:52 / 04.10.06

Better to have loved and lost than to...oh fuck off, me, that's balls. It's a horrible time, but you will get over it, even if it looks as though you won't. I can't offer much advice apart from do as the wise heads here have already suggested.

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

17:07 / 04.10.06

Studying helped me recently. I found that filling page after page of lined notebook paper with Hiragana and Katakana for Japanese class was a great way to deal. I tried drinking and smoking pot and sleeping around, but studying for Japanese was by and large the best way to get someone out of my head for a little while.

20:42 / 04.10.06

Thanks to everyone who's written here so far. To go on a little further, I think the hardest thing is to see past this anger. Right now, I see it as a tragic event in my life, see myself as the victim. The truth is that we are both victims. We paired up at a young age (I'm 33 now) and put a lot of pressure on ourselves to stay together even though it didn't feel very natural at all. Three years ago we got the "bright idea" maybe we should open the relationship and see other people. This proved only to propel us further into ruination... Again, more later, but I will leave everyone with a new piece of writing based on all of this that I wrote the other night:

It could be so much easier. But I made some horrible decision. I tricked myself.

I have a hard time living with myself. I do not wish to fall to the floor as petrified wood.

It is hard talking with my mouth these days. We are intellectuals talking the talk and the talk is moving away from intellectual to something else.

The stairs are too hard to climb. Shooting stars she’ll seek out with another. She introduced him the other day. She stabbed me with the steak knife from the drawer and hacked me into bite size pieces more digestable than some vegetables.

Our sex moves to the mental and imaginary plane and is stuck there. I hate snow storms.

She says it is all over between us now. When she says sorry it translates to “too fucking bad, you had your shot.”

Red ants are preparing to colonize my wheat thins. And they cannot distinguish between flinching human limbs and sliced ham. And I am, I am sorry too, but it doesn’t do a goddamn thing any more to repair what’s been put to oblivion.

21:12 / 04.10.06

Sorry to hear this, buddy. My recommendation is that you A)Excercise, and B)Listen to the Descendents' "Pep Talk" over and over again.

23:25 / 04.10.06

Ah, good old Descendants!

01:27 / 05.10.06

'Ol Milo knew a thing or two when it came to the fairer sex.

11:32 / 05.10.06

I found the black arts to be of immense comfort while going through my divorce! Nothing a little "essence of bend over" can't sort out...

No seriously, my heart goes out to you BGK. To say that breakups are horrible is such an understatement. My strategy before my most recent one was to break all ties with the ex, cut them out of my life completely, accept that I was going to be in poor shape for awhile, and console myself with drinking and sleeping around...ha ha.

But the most recent one was a bit more complicated. I left my rather unhappy marriage when I realised the utter hopelessness of the situation. Plus, to further complicate matters, I had fallen rather hard for someone else. A typical breakup I suppose, but I didn't have the luxury of cutting the ex out of my life. We started a band together some 4 years ago, and things were just starting to take off when we split up. Both of us are integral to the group and our situation necessitates that we spend way more time together than either of us would like. It's been a year and a half since I left him, and things are still quite painful and frustrating at times. But somehow we manage.

Situations shift so very much over time. It will get easier; the old cliche of time healing all wounds is so true. You're probably more resilient than you think...

12:17 / 05.10.06

Change is in the air.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, just what I want to do once I’m finally out of our current place. For the first time in 10 years I’ll be truly alone again - which is scary, but also very exciting.

I keep making little plans and I can see that I’m starting to have some hope again. After years of doing the spoken word poetry thing, I’ve decided I’m going to cross over into stand-up comedy.

Come to think of it, this has been my FIRST post on Barbelith, after years of lurking.

I look forward to all the potential good shit, and I’m in a good mood this morning, but also realize most probably a lot of fucked up shit is still going to happen because I’ve had my heart wrapped up in her for quite some time.

18:31 / 05.10.06

basic rules for breakups:

1. no Tori Amos cds
2. no dim lighting
3. no isolating self from friends
4. no drunk dialling/emailing
5. no letting rest of life/work/pets fall to pieces/die

6. take care of your body
7. dance music
8. dance/art/nature therapy
9. the company of people who love you and are themselves happy
10. pretend you still like yourself and treat yourself accordingly

18:32 / 05.10.06

ps good luck

18:36 / 05.10.06

BGK you poor bastard, you.

My last proper break-up was the most impossibly horrible thing I've ever had to deal with, which is saying something as I've suffered from clinical depression in the past.

It's gonna hurt like hell for a while, and you're gonna be a little insane for a time, just try not to make it any worse with the drunken phonecalls and hideous, debased scenes, etc... You can feel that first call of freedom - hang on to that!

18:38 / 05.10.06

Oh yeah, another advocate of exercise here.

18:52 / 05.10.06

As someone who did none of those things, I can second what Fred said. I can't really compare a 1 or 2 year relationship to what you're going through, but drunken communication is definitely a no-no...

As is deciding that your life has changed for ever. I know it may seem like an earth-shattering event, but try not to go for a radical change of any sort. Rather, try to get used to being you as you always have been, but without her. If you need some sort of change, as a primal scream against the universe, try something mild and reversible. Taking up the clarinet helped me no end.

18:55 / 05.10.06

but drunken communication is definitely a no-no...

As is enlisting your ex's aid in getting over, er, your ex. I'm hoping that's not even an option for you.

12:03 / 06.10.06

From deep depression at times, I can't say I haven't considered self-destruction in the past, but it's not something I'm going for now. I feel like I've been through so much pain now, it's sorta a staple in my life. The only thing is that I worry that at times the pain could become TOO GREAT and overtake me. But I doubt that will happen. Maybe that's why I posted this thread in the first place.

I don't plan on getting really heavily into alcohol and all that. This is almost subject for another thread, but the funny thing is, all through my life I didn't drink, until about a year ago. I was a straightedge kid for so long. I'm a late bloomer, my friends tell me.