So, when I was a wee lad-not-yet-a-lad, I collected a family of plush raccoons. One was teddy-bear shaped, and he was the first, and his name was Rick. He was joined by a more realistic-looking brother named Ricky. (I did not conceive of this name issue being a problem at the time.) Rick was the older brother and was noble and self-sacrificing, always working to help all the other animals of the Imaginary Forest. Ricky was the younger brother and drank alcohol (!) and hunted (!) and swore (!!). He was also a bit abusive towards other animals in the Imaginary Forest, including Rick and Rick's girlfriend Roxanne who eventually joined us. I was the animal doctor (that's not the same as a veterinarian. Vets treat dumb animals, and animal doctors treat people who happen not to be human. Very different fields of medicine).
Ricky was not a straightforward villain. His character was apparently modeled after an uncle of mine I took an automatic dislike to. Ricky (the raccoon, not my uncle) was belligerent and dull and had a bad temper, but he wasn't cruel just for the sake of being cruel.
The only story I really remember was one where Ricky drunkenly blasphemed once too often. God (frequently a character in these little dramas I believe) struck him with lightning and left him at death's door. Rick and I witnessed this act of almighty vengeance and were left to decide what to do. Agonizing six-year-old moralism follows. Do we try to save Ricky's life, using my animal doctor magic? If so, would we risk angering God, who it may be remembered had just demonstrated what He tended to be like in my six-year-old head when he was angry? Or should we let him die? Did God want Ricky alive or dead?
Mercy, charity, forgiveness, these concepts don't seem to have weighed in much if at all on the scale of Imaginary Forest morality. Nor had I heard of the Hippocratic Oath, or else it didn't apply to animal doctors. The decision came down to my reasoning that God, being omnipotent, would surely have finished the job if he'd wanted Ricky to die, so it must be that we were intended to save his life.
That's all I remember clearly about Raccoon Church. But like many Lost Religions, it can be revived through careful scholarship, personal gnosis, and knowledge of the cultural context. Have at it, scholars— Raccoon Reconstructionism GO! |
