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Shit Holes

 
 
Spaniel
17:53 / 16.09.06
So then, what's the nastiest place you've ever lived and why?

Back in my student days I lived in flat that was perpetually moist, even during the winter*. This meant that huge, foaming patches of mold grew absolutely everywhere and puddles of cold, cold water used to collect on my impermeable plastic matress. If that wasn't bad enough, the flat was situated on Brighton's main thoroughfare (admittedly at the slightly quieter end), above a twenty four shop, and opposite a large derelict building fitted with a super-sensitive alarm system that went off in the early hours of the morning at every available opportunity. Luckily for us the system incorporated an impressive lightshow along with the standard deafening claxon blasts.

Used to go on for fucking hours. Literally.

And let's not forget the panes of glass that that were held in by little more than a lick of paint. Oh how we laughed as they rained down onto the busy street below.

But what I enjoyed the most was the fungal infection that gifted me with permanent ear-ache, strange glandular swellings and creaking joints. That was really nice.

Our landlords were such great guys, it was untrue.


Still, compared with some we had it lucky. A friend used to have to lock his bedroom door every day lest his flatmates' pals' dogs shit all over his room. Apparently his flatmates didn't mind coming home to find dog shit all over their kitchen and bedcovers. Nice.


*No central heating or insulation, natch
 
 
Bubblegum Death
22:02 / 16.09.06
Worst place I ever lived was in this local trailer park. It was all my son's mother and I could afford at the time.

First couple of months was okay, no problems. Then it just seemed like the problems wouldn't stop. Somebody broke in and stole my GTA: San Andreas game that I had bought the week before; I can remember 3 separate times people tried to break in. Our air conditioning stopped working. Pipes in the bathroom kept breaking and causing leaks. That ruined a box of comics. There were mice. I would come home at night; turn the lights on, and they would scamper off.

The final straw was when my son came back from Kansas. I was getting his bathwater ready when the pipes broke, again. That was a Friday night. The maintenance men wouldn't take care of it until Monday. I took my son and we moved in with my sister.

The landlord noticed us moving our furniture out, and he came by to yell at me for breaking the lease.
 
 
Spaniel
22:17 / 16.09.06
Sounds like a right laugh.
 
 
Twice
22:27 / 16.09.06
I lodged with an elderly widow in student days. She was caring and motherly. Bit by bit I noticed things: shoes lined up a bit neater; an open drawer, closed; a plant watered. She made me sit and drink tea in the evening, with doylies, and talk about my day.

One night I climbed into bed and sniffed. Clean sheets. I suddenly remembered that Tales of the Unexpected episode, the one with the nice looking footballers and the taxidermist landlady. I lay, eyes open, staring into the blackness.

Next morning, I got onto my bicycle and rode.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
23:08 / 16.09.06
Where was this, TFT?

It's just that I think I may ... be acquainted with the old lady in question.

There's a website that some of us go to - I can't really provide a link, it's sort of *invitation only.* You have to ... well you have to *establish yourself* in various ways that aren't easily put into words (plus, you have to provide photos!) before the community takes you seriously.

Routinely though, we enjoy talking about *accidents around the home* that are perhaps well *bracing,* really, in terms of the development of young lives.

If it is the same person, TFT, you effectively left the fireworks display at around about the point that the sparklers came out. She'd have had so many other lovely things planned.
 
 
stabbystabby
02:00 / 17.09.06
i lived with a junky and an ex-junky in a freezing demountable that was parading as a house in Melbourne. The junky had incredible psoriasis - when he left we had to vacuum the floor several times - it was like it had snowed inside the house. and the stench!

the ex-junky lived on temazepam, and was sleepy and grumpy all the time. his dog lived in the house and spread wet dog smell everywhere.

i moved out after i found an uncapped needle on the kitchen bench. Two days later the TV burst into flames and nearly burnt the place down.
 
 
My Mom Thinks I'm Cool
02:02 / 17.09.06
I was going to mention some of the spidery, moldy apartments I've lived in and now have allergies and/or athsma from, but after these stories I have less to say.

It might be worth pointing out one time I got a discount on my rent (and new carpet in the living room) because the previous tenant had died there and bled all over it. "you probably won't care, but some people are a bit superstitious about stuff like this, so I think I should mention..."

Honestly I think I could stand to live almost anywhere if it weren't for the constantly obnoxious neighbors I always seem to get. Nothing like waking up at 2 AM to hear some 3-year-old's mom screaming "you ruined my life and I wish I never had you!" etc. makes you feel good all over.

In fact now that I think about it some of my best stories would be from the rich fucks I tried to rent from in Palo Alto, California. "Oh, the Stanford medical students never have problems with these requirements!" I bet. Not really shitholes, but probably accurately labeled "vile".
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
02:51 / 17.09.06
Ah, let's talk about the first homes I had when I moved to this city.

Being not so much poor as being poor manager of money--something I'm still trying to shake--I rented a basement room from a man who taught choir at Emory University. Nice enough guy, quiet, studious, never bothered me when I came home late at night from one of my many debaucherous rock shows, but living in the basement...well, that says it all, doesn't it? I heard rats in the walls, lived with moldy smells, bad carpet, and leaky windows, and yet still tried to convince my parents upon one visit that this was "okay, no really."

Second apartment--which was an actual apartment, not a rented basement room--was the third floor of an old house in the same neighborhood. Small, but cute, carpet in the bedroom which I didn't like but I could deal with that, whatever. But what I wasn't told that everyone else in the house had horrible housekeeping habits.

I lived with roaches for nearly three years. Roaches when I turned on the lights, roaches that I would see crawling over my coffee table, my couch, my counters. And I sprayed and sprayed and I complained and I complained, but the landlord did nothing. I knew I had to leave when I saw AND heard my next door neighbor pissing out the upstairs window next to mine.

Thankfully, I became smarter and moved into subsequent apartments that have no vermin problems. Saving a dollar doesn't translate into brains. Pay a little more and you will be well-rewarded. Brrrr, I'm getting bloody hives thinking about this.
 
 
captain piss
12:33 / 17.09.06
I once lived with a family of leprous rapists on a big mossy boulder atop a cliff, held in place by a few bits of mud

Seriously though – these are some pretty fuckin amazing stories of squalor… Don’t think I can compete.

I did stay with a friend in Brighton (UK) years ago who had maggots on the living room carpet. One time we were eating Chinese in that room and every so often you’d find yourself scrutinising a grain of rice between your fingers just to be on the safe side. Bleak…
 
 
Axolotl
15:15 / 17.09.06
My first proper flat after moving out of university halls was quite a hole. It had the odd decor of a place that hadn't been decorated properly in years and the wallpaper on one wall of the living room seemed to be designed to freak out people who were tripping.
It had a beetle infestation which we held off through one of those ultrasonic bug repellers. The plumbing was done by the landlord and thus resulted in us flooding the flat below us. This coupled with the beetles and the fact that the landlord never carried out any maintenance meant we were forever being cornered by other people in the building and subjected to tirades about how bad the landlord was.
We finally left after the place started to smell really bad whenever it rained, which in Glasgow pretty much means all the time.
JSG: I'm not sure I could stand a place with maggots. I reckon I'd be out the door so quickly I'd leave a dust cloud.
 
 
ibis the being
15:48 / 17.09.06
Ditto on the flight from maggots. *shiver*

The biggest shit hole I ever lived in was a perfectly clean and adequate campus cabin when I moved in with four roommates, it's what they did (or didn't do) to it that was nasty and vile. These lads (and I was dating one of them) raised not-cleaning to a grotesque art form. The discarded bits of marijuana seeds and stems and the smell of stinky skunky pot resin coated every surface. The unfinished plank wall behind the toilet reeked of urine and there was no cleaning that even if they'd tried. After a while I gave up using the bathroom altogether and in my absense the boys ran out of toilet paper. So they stole a roll of industrial paper towels from the cleaning company - the kind that's basically thin brown mailing paper - and used this to wipe their asses for weeks. Of course, this backed up the plumbing and one Friday evening raw sewage came pouring up out of not only the toilet, but the shower as well. Maintenance couldn't come by to fix it until Monday. Did any of my dear roommates make even a halfhearted attempt to clean this reeking mess? No, they did not. What frightens me is these were not junkies or slumlords, they were ordinary, able-bodied, mind-bendingly lazy college students. Perhaps what's even more frightening is I was stupid enough to get an apartment with the one I was dating after we graduated, with predictable results.
 
 
Spaniel
17:50 / 17.09.06
Right then, beat this.

One of my friends lived in a house that collapsed.

While he and a friend were inside.

Made the news and everything.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
09:29 / 18.09.06
I can't beat the house collapse, but I can hold up a shower curtain full of shit and young beetles moseying along seams. That was last year, mind. This new house is lovely, apart from the Wolf next door. It's not a dog. Wolf. Wolf.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
11:04 / 18.09.06
I've had a ceiling fall on me- not the one that came down recently- fortunately nobody was under that one. This was about fifteen years ago. TangoMango was also hit by masonry.

It was a bit scary. To this day I still have records with bits of plaster wedged into the grooves.
 
 
Ron Stoppable
11:44 / 18.09.06
I once lived with a family of leprous rapists on a big mossy boulder atop a cliff, held in place by a few bits of mud

*Northern accent* - Luxury. We were evicted from our boulder...

Ahem. Sorry.

Though TFT, it's weird. Was this place in quite a nice residential area of West London? A few years ago, I had exactly the same experience; ancient ivy-covered house, ancient ivy-covered landlady. Gentle whiff of mothballs about her. 80 quid a week all in, shared bathroom and all the cornflakes you could eat. Growing awareness that a locked door was no guarantee that you wouldn't come back to find the subtlest unnerving traces that someone's been in here...

I've lived in places that have been actual shitholes (completely feeling the insect horrors mentioned above) but this place, despite it being clean and pleasant just felt uneasy my entire time there. My mate stayed there longer than me and ended up as practically one of the family. He became, I swear, a crazy person who hung around the pub alone playing on the fruities until kicking out time rather than go home and risk a chance encounter on the stair or invitation to take tea.

If it's not the same place, then that's weirder. It means there's a few of these boarding houses out there where renting a room feels like living in The Ladykillers as directed by Tobe Hooper.
 
 
pointless & uncalled for
12:01 / 18.09.06
My cousin moved out of his rapidly falling down student house into what he thought would be an improvement. It was billed as a quiet house that occasionally threw a party. Feeling like he had made a bit of a score he rocked up with a friends car loaded with all of his stuff early on Sunday morning only to find that the road had become a parking lot for the local police.

It seems one of the occasional parties had been thrown leading to a stabbing with a broken bottle at six in the morning and a "potential rape" allegation. A kindly officer, who discovered that he hadn't signed a contract yet, strongly advised him against moving in as they had been round quite a bit of late.

He took the advice and took to couch surfing for a month.
 
 
My Mom Thinks I'm Cool
13:27 / 18.09.06
never had a house collapse, but the ceiling of our high school started to fall in on us one day. Not only did they not close the school down for another four years, they *did not let us go home that day*. We sat in our classes, listening to the janitor on a ladder out in the hallway, drilling bolts into the ceiling...this was the same prinicpal who, when some mischief maker left his crap on the floor of the boy's bathroom, left it there for three days to "teach us a lesson".

One day I came back from college to see the building had been demolished and was a pile of bricks waiting to be taken away. I drove around the block three times as a kind of victory dance while screaming out the window.
 
 
Spaniel
17:21 / 18.09.06
Okay, there's some interesting stuff here, but I should point out that I once narrowly avoided moving in with a guy known for shitting in other people's sock-draws. For the humour value, like.
 
 
Twice
17:36 / 18.09.06
Though TFT, it's weird. Was this place in quite a nice residential area of West London?

No, Jodrell, it was Devon. I think the Great Aunt spoke truth. They are out there.

I deliberately omitted a pertinent detail. The day before I scarpered, as I was putting on my coat to leave she said

”Have a good day…son”.
 
 
Ron Stoppable
20:01 / 18.09.06
Nonossnoy: a guy known for shitting in other people's sock-draws. For the humour value, like.

Not me but friends of mine had to suffer something similar:

Merry prank.
Turd: Human
Tub of margerine: Catering Size
Time taken to reach the bottom of the tub and discover the surprise: about a month.

*gags*
 
 
Tsuga
22:53 / 18.09.06
Jesus H. Fucking Christ, esq. That is hilarious. Really. No, really. I mean, E. coli is just plain funny.
While I won't win any contests for it, I've lived in many dumps over the years, notably:
1.a trailer coated with a sheen of grease on the walls that had to literally be scraped off (as well as stored jars of used cooking fat, like bacon fat and shit, stashed all over the place) and mushrooms growing in the bathroom,
2.a college student slum house shared with six others (and a cockroach cast of thousands, the old watch-them-scatter-when-you-turn-on-the-light bit). We had six filthy bongs of varying sizes getting spilled constantly, and one of the roommates was always wearing too-short cutoff denim shorts and sitting cross-legged with testacles bulging out the side, we were constantly having to tell him to put those things away, and worst of all he constantly had the Dead playing.
3. A depression-era certified hillbilly shack in the mountains, beautiful spot really but a bunch of squatter hippies had trashed the place before we got there. We thought we were kind of sub-letting, paying the former tenant. Turns out when the sheriff turned up the owner had not been receiving her money for months. We ironed that out with her, but the house was officially a shithole. It was built on piers of stacked creekstone, you could look under the house and see the swaybacked floor joists, the floors and ceilings looked like waves. There was no insulation, only wood framing and siding on all sides between us and the elements. The bathroom was an afterthought; on a loosely framed-in half of the back porch they had dropped a toilet and bathtub, you could sit in the bath and play your hand across the asbestos shingling. The septic tank was two fifty-gallon drums, the water system was two fifty gallon drums. Up the hill about 200 feet behind the house was a spring running out of the hillside and draining into old apple juice barrels. The pipe ran out of the barrels and down the hill, above the ground most of the way down. In the winter we had to run water constantly to keep the pipes from freezing, But one time it simply got too cold; the pipes froze anyway and we had no water for two weeks. We had to revert to using the outhouse, with snow blowing in on our bare legs. Sweet. We melted snow for cooking or cleaning.
Not mind-blowing but that was pretty harsh.
 
 
alas
23:12 / 18.09.06
I keep reading this thread title as "shirt holes," and begin plan to tell you about my lovely collars and and that T-shirt I can't bring myself to throw out but which is nearly in shreds.
 
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
23:22 / 18.09.06
That'd be right here, alas.
 
 
grant
02:21 / 19.09.06
Mmm -- by looks, it'd be the laundry room in the old (1930s?) house. No windows, just metal louvers that never shut all the way. And a leak in the roof right over the end table next to the bed (the only space for my word processor -- yes, it was that long ago).

Still, much more comfortable than the nice-looking student apt. the following year in the ticky-tacky prefab Large University Area apt. complex (called "Towne Parc," a compound spelling nastiness guaranteed to give my teeth twinges to this day). The apts. in Towne Parc had very thin walls, very small bedrooms and doors that were incredibly poorly hung -- up to two inches of space underneath. I was sharing space with three undergraduates, and would have felt like I had more privacy if we shared a small garden shed and hung sheets between our beds. The dude with the bedroom next to mine was a. a player (I heard him use the worst of lines through the wall -- and use them successfully), and b. listened to "lite rock" to fall asleep at night.

My soul has yet to recover from that vileness. The downstairs bathroom also got kinda icky, but that was nothing compared to the horror. The horror.
 
 
Earlier than I thought
19:32 / 20.09.06
I still have the odd nightmare about the house I lived in in Manchester about fifteen years ago. It looked not unlike Norman Bates' place, albeit painted white, lending it a disturbing 'Paperhouse' vibe. It sat alone in the middle of a modern (rough as) estate. It was only after three weeks of no mail that we discovered the place wasn't actually on the street registers or in the A-Z. We didn't exist.

The cellar in this heatless, huge, echoing deathtrap went on for some considerable distance under the street. Exploring, we found rooms literally filled with broken glass, old newspapers and the like. Favourite was the 'huge stone slab and meathooks' room, just to make you nice and nervous in the evening.

And then the prowlers started. And the faces at the window. And the beetles. And the screaming (apparently a vixen, according to a knowledgeable friend, but you try being David Attenborough at 3:40 AM). All this was followed by the burglaries (seven in two months), the toilet water coming through the ceiling and the rock-hard tooled up ex of one of my flat mates turning up with a shotgun (he reckoned). That night in particular, ah! I remember it so well, the long slapstick panic stricken run through the derelict sites of South Manchester, past small fires in oil drums that I was sure you only saw in bad 80s cop shows.

I left, one day in June. The sun was out. As I did, someone put a brick through the window. Went back last year; they've got a cage round the door now. Jammy bastards.
 
 
■
20:22 / 20.09.06
Cirencester. The worst thing about the town is that it looks so pretty no-one notices it is a psychic black hole which sucks out your will to live. Half the town is composed of lords and assorted other rich landowners. The other half are scrabbling along, trying to get by in tiny houses and being deferential. Possibly the only instance I have ever known where a bypass was a good idea.
 
 
bitchiekittie
14:50 / 25.09.06
I have "lived" out and about on the street (and under a bridge!) and sometimes in the houses of friends, but only for short bursts of time. for a few weeks I squatted in an apartment which had a bed and a toilet but no running water. short term, temporary homelessness which could have easily been ended by swallowing my pride and going to any number of homes of family members for shelter - not nearly as bad as those who have no such options.

during these Hungry Years I held an apartment which I shared with three roommates. S, the ex-boyfriend who was slowly losing his mind and always losing a job. T, the unemployed but nice pre-college boy preferring the company of losers to his perfectly nice family home. And ASSHOLE, the dirty boy who sold incense for cash. everyone but ASSHOLE shared the single bedroom. there were no actual beds, we just laid around on blankets. all of the blankets were mine. the dishes, mine. I was the only one who bought food. there was no door on the bathroom, so I rigged my shower curtain in place of a door. ASSHOLE brought in a filthy and disgusting gross couch from the alleyway. from the same alleyway, I brought in a less filthy and much more attractive kitty. our downstairs neighbors would go into the basement and flip our breaker when they were pissed at our noise levels, which included such horrors as RUNNING A SMALL FAN. when we first moved in, we had no stove and we discovered the fridge had been off for months...but no one had removed the food that had been in it first. ASSHOLE had to be routinely reminded to bathe, to stay away from the bathroom while I was using it, and to generally not spread his filth everywhere. all of the druggies in the building were getting busted on a weekly basis, so we all freaked out when ASSHOLE kept bringing his pothead gear into the place - we'd lose the place if anyone got wind of how many people were there, and we had little chance of finding anything else so cheap.

we had a string of transients stay with us - one of us would meet someone and bring them home for a night or a week. once we had three guests staying in an already too-crowded space. because of the number of inhabitants, there was very little restriction on the place, and people would come and go. I'd wake up and one of my friends would be next to me, waiting for me to wake up. there was never any food and everyone always drank all of my coke. we all had lovers and friends and strangers over all of the time. it was actually pretty fun.
 
  
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