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I am a total bastard

  
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
19:35 / 13.09.06
First, my parents were never married, so the title of the thread is correct regardless of what has happened.

A few years ago my mother’s relationship of 9 years ended. Because this was a same sex relationship there was no chance for alimony or anything like that so my mother moved into the second bedroom of my apartment at the time. We lived together for a couple of years, and my now fiancé moved in with us when we got serious.

In Feb of this year I got a pretty kick ass Sys Admin job at the University where my fiancé is a grad student, so she and I decided to move closer to campus. At this point Mom said she would be fine and would find her own place.

Fast forward to mid July, mom was renting a small guesthouse and everything seemed ok. At this point a new investor bought his way into the store my mom was helping run and they had a personality crash and in the middle of a workday she quit. She had no other jobs lined up, but assured me that with the vacation pay they gave her she would be fine.

Around Aug 6th I got a call from her landlady (she had my number because I had done some computer work for her) saying that mom's rent is past due and she needs to move out. I called mom and she says she couldn't pay her rent because she loaned someone $750 (nearly double her rent) and the person paid her back with a check that bounced. On top of that she owns 2 horses and the stable fees are higher then her rent.

So mom found some part time temp work to keep her fed and her car filled with gas (for the most part, she still has been borrowing $50-$100 from me per week) while we wait for a check for some property left to me by my grandparents when they died. Selling property out of state is a huge pain in the ass and the paperwork took longer then we thought it would. Mom stayed with some friends of hers for a few days at a time, crashed at our place for 2 nights and then some people who want to hire her as a horse trainer put her up in a hotel for a while.

Today the check for the property was supposed to arrive but the mail came and it wasn’t there. I am at work; my fiancé was home all day studying and is the one who told me there was no check in the mail. S (my fiancé) had to leave for a class around 2:30, so I called mom, who said she would check with the people in NY who sent the check and then head to my apartment so when S left she could wait if the check came some other way.

At about 12:30 mom calls me and says she is at the apartment with S, and they went online and the overnight envelope sent yesterday has not left NY yet for whatever reason. She then asks me if its ok if she hangs out for the afternoon until I get home. This makes about the 4th time she has asked me if it is ok to hang out around the apartment when I was not there and S was. I told her that I wasn't there so I didn't really care and it was kind of rude for her to be asking me while S was right there. She said something like "Well fine then I'm leaving" and hung up on me. This all happened while I was trying to get food on my lunch break.

After lunch I get to my desk and call her and she tells me that she isn't at the apartment, she is 'somewhere else'. I asked her why she left the apartment and she said that she 'just couldn’t stay there'. She then tells me that I might not be able to get in touch with her tomorrow (when the check should arrive) because her cell phone will likely get turned off because she hasn't paid them. Less then 2 weeks ago she asked me to pay $75 on her cell so they wouldn’t turn it off. I mention this and she tells me that that wasn’t the entire past due amount and that she doesn't know what the total amount due is. She started getting upset and wasn’t listening to anything I said so I hung up on her. Now she turned off her phone so all I get is her voicemail.

I know hanging up on her wasn't the best of all responses, but this was about the 10th phone call with her ending with her in hysterics about the current situation, and I just can't deal with it anymore. Does that make me a terrible person?

I am also really worried about her inability to take care of herself in any way, because after S and I get married next May we will be moving to wherever S gets accepted for a PhD program, and I wont be able to keep paying my mothers bills from wherever we end up.

I am just really worn out by the whole situation.
 
 
Ticker
19:48 / 13.09.06
***HUGGLES***

breathe.
Remember this is just a moment of a crapitude.
Your mom has some hard choices to make but it sounds like she can make them.
You have some hard choices to make and sometimes we flip out a little while in the process of making 'em.

breathe.
Remember to tell your betrothed you appreciate her support and do something kind for yourself to recharge your reserves. It's a crisis of a sort and shit gets weird and hard and sometimes cranky.

breathe.
Remember to tell your mother a shared story of happiness that you base your relationship on. Define the relationship in your heart by that joy and know it is strong enough to endure this difficult moment.

***HUGGLES***
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:18 / 13.09.06
Sorry to hear all that, Elijah.

xk has already given you very good advice on how to deal witht he current situation

And, on your mom's cash problems... I know this is a very iffy solution, since animals are not just things, and your mom is probably very attached to them, but couldn't she sell one of her horses? It's half the stable expenses gone right away, and she can use the quick cash - I understand horses ain't cheap - to hold on while thing get back on track?
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
20:20 / 13.09.06
Oh fuck. I have no advice to give (we can't all be xk, much as we'd like to be) other than... fuck. I have no advice, really. Just stay strong, and we're thinking of you. I really can't even begin to imagine what that must be like... AAARGH. I know I should give you some advice right now. But I'm a bit shit. I'm so sorry.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
20:33 / 13.09.06
She was supposedly giving both horses to friends of hers over a month ago, I don't know why that didn't actually happen. There is the chance she was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I wouldn't bug her about it.

She and I have a long history of her lying to me for my own benefit.

Thanks for the advice xk, I appreciate it, and I appreciate the kind words from Stoat and DM, I already felt 10x better just writing it, but the fact that people read it makes me feel better. I guess thats why blogs > diaries in the modern era, any feedback helps.
 
 
Cailín
21:21 / 13.09.06
I know someone with a sort-of similar situation with his mother. End of relationship, no alimony, lost her job, won't find a new one. She finally did something completely inconsiderate which left him wondering if she was alive for a couple of days, and he decided he'd had enough and declared that they were done. He hasn't spoken to his mother in two years, and he seems quite at peace with his decision. I'm not saying you should stop talking to your mother, but if she doesn't start behaving like a rational grown-up, then a little apart time might help you both (you could probably use a break, and she could probably use to see how much she actually leans on you). Just a thought.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
21:46 / 13.09.06
Erm... like Stoat, I can't really imagine what your situation's like. But I also have friends who've had and a few who still have similar problems, and I've listened to what they've done, etc.

Therefore, one approach is to encourage others (who may be in a bit of a rut) to try to make money from something they're good at or love doing.

e.g. Could your Mum earn money from the horses she owns? Could she (say) do little treks for kids or grooming lessons or something? (I don't know what your area is like, but are there any tourists, parks, and beaches, etc?)

I imagine you've probably tried the "What do you enjoy doing and could maybe turn into a career?"-type line of discussion though. Just thought I'd say; in case.

Best of luck, mate. It's shit sometimes being a parent and/or a child. Families, eh?
 
 
alas
11:27 / 14.09.06
I don't think you're a total bastard from what you've said, and I agree that some distance, if not cutting off, may be in order. And I'm speaking as a mom and as a person who has many people in my life going through various sorts of crises. From what you've said, it does sound like your mom is, I think, manipulating and using you. You have a right to make some clearer boundaries: "here's what I can do for you:________. I can't do _________." I even think it's ok to set up some basic rules for phoning, if that's part of the problem, and how she uses your money.

Has she seen a credit counselor? A friend of mine just went through Title 13 bankruptcy, and it's not the end of the world; it sets up a schedule of payments of all your debts; I don't know if it helps get money paid back from friends...Anyway, you might also insist that she get some help in this regard.

Horse people! Ah, they really will keep horses fed and housed while they go homeless.
 
 
pointless & uncalled for
11:49 / 14.09.06
She was supposedly giving both horses to friends of hers over a month ago, I don't know why that didn't actually happen. There is the chance she was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I wouldn't bug her about it.

She and I have a long history of her lying to me for my own benefit.

Not really to your own benefit though, is it.

I hate to encourage people to be harsh with their own parents but I think you need to confront your mum about her behaviour, her lying and so on.

The cell will be turned off thing sounds more like an attempt at diversion to try and prevent you from calling her (by calling you don't trust her and how can she talk to you if you don't trust here etc). Sorry.

Whatever you do though, all the best and hope it gets better soon.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
13:21 / 14.09.06
You are not a total bastard, you are just somebody with finite patience. We all have a limit, you reached yours and I don't think from what you say that it's a ridiculously low one.

Also, if she's hung up on you in the past, you have the right to do the same. It's just putting down a phione for fuck's sake, not punching someone in the face.

I've hung up on my parents a number of times, and they have done the same to me. We still speak, (and not through lawyers either) it's just that family can get anyone from 0 to ARGGGGHH in about ten seconds and sometimes the easiest way to leave the conversation is to end it that instant.

If you say "I've got to go" or "I'm just in the middle of something" someone in a real state is almost certain to ignore you and keep on bending your ear. Give it a few minutes or hours and you can both start again from a calmer place, having gained valuable thinking time about what you REALLY want and need to say.

That's assuming they don't disinherit you/plot your murder merely for hanging up on them, mind.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
14:57 / 14.09.06
Dude. I hate having the phone put down on me, but that's mainly because it's happened too often with people I was afraid were putting the phone down to commit self-harm. Putting the phone down on someone is a big step, but it's not an unforgivable one, and you are clearly being pushed very hard. Your mother seems to be aware that she is unable to manage her own affairs, but also afraid of telling you the full extent of the hole she's in, and perhaps also angry and defensive about needing you to bail her out. That's not what mothers are supposed to be, after all...

None of which stops this being very psychically damaging, especially with the added worry of not being able to carry on doing this forever. So, maybe you do have to make a stand of sorts - make it clear that you love her and you're worried about her, but she's not giving you what you need to be able to really help her rather than chip away at her debts. Then perhaps tell her that you will need to get soem distance from her if this carries on, but that you will help her and support her if she seeks help with her debts. Would that work at all? Push her to seek professional debt relief help rather than this emotionally damaging symbiosis?
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
16:21 / 14.09.06
I really appreciate all the comments/suggestions from everyone.

I realized last night that a lot of my frustration with the current situation is based on anger I wasn't fully aware I had towards her for things in the past, but thats a whole other topic.

Today the check for the property I am selling came in, so when I leave work shortly I will be able to give her her share of the cash and hopefully kill many birds with one stone.

It is really good to know that I have a place to discuss this sort of thing, I can't really talk to my local friends about any of this because it just seems strange, especially since most of them know mom from the time we lived together.

So thanks Barbelith, nothing makes any of this easy, but you all make it a bit easier.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:38 / 14.09.06
I think you should consider sitting down with her and talking about what she's going to do with that money. It sounds, to be honest, like she's really bad with money and too embarrassed to talk about it and the not talking is getting her into trouble. Maybe if she knew that you weren't ashamed of her for it (it sounds like you're not) then there would be less hysteria and more practical, honest conversations.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
20:01 / 14.09.06
It's just putting down a phione for fuck's sake, not punching someone in the face. Slightly off-topic, but I once had this exact argument with a friend of mine (not, I should add, that he's ever hung up on me or vice versa). I said I thought hanging up on someone was the height of rudeness, and should only be done in extreme circumstances (which, to get briefly back to the point, yours sound like, Elijah. I thinkl you were well within your rights there).

He claimed hanging up on people was great, provided you were arguing, because it was "the conversational equivalent of punching them in the face". My argument was that it was more like running away. (And yes, Elijah, that can often be a good option too).
 
 
Olulabelle
21:18 / 14.09.06
Elijah, I can sympathise with you. Sometimes acting the parent to a parent can be really frustrating and difficult. If your relationship with your mother lies within that sort of framework even when you are given times when you don't need to act like a parent - the times when you can legitimately step out of that role - it becomes almost impossible to do so. You always worry.

I don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry. One thing I can say is that often the problem the parent is having isn't as bad as it can seem to be, and sometime doing nothing, actively withdrawing and letting your mother know that you can't help with this problem will mean that she in fact sorts it out for herself.

And don't forget she managed to get through life without you before you were around to fix things for her, she can do it again; stepping back is sometimes the best thing to do even though you feel responsible and horribly guilty if you don't help.
 
  
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