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Crisis on Infinite Barbeliths

  
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
17:38 / 08.09.06
Elijah The Young Genius Comes from Barbelith-W, where he was always a legal US citizen so able to start college at the age of 15 instead of stagnating for years and become a barely successful computer nerd.

Elijah Has a Goatee will also be needed. He comes from Barbelith-2 and always votes republican!

Who will join us to save the Multi-Fora?
 
 
Aertho
17:49 / 08.09.06
You know, Cassandra-W reminds me a lot of Flyboy. No relation, of course, to any speeding vehicles.
 
 
Sniv
17:53 / 08.09.06
I am John, the Electronic Boy from Earth QWERTY. I exist as pure electricity. These words before you were not typed, I move the pixels on your screen to make the words before you! Such is only a taste of my immessurable power! I can download myself into remote control cars, AIbos or those fancy dancing robots you get in japan for when I want to get my jig on.

What's the nature of the threat to the cosmos, nay, the very ultraverse, in this reality-spanning-variant-embossed-gatefold-cover-superfriend-team-up this time, then? It isn't dark lord Megatron, is it??

Reality dies at dawn!!
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
18:33 / 08.09.06
Huh, my Earth-2 counterpart looks exactly like me!

Hello, Tuna Ghost! We do appear similar, yes?

Yes! We even have the same haircut. Are we actually any different from one another?

We are very different indeed, Tuna Ghost Prime! My favorite character on Tekken is Eddie!

GASP

Also, I have both sets of genitalia.

Exciting! How about you, Tuna Ghost from mirror world?

I never use punctuation of any kind and I have night blindness

That's kind of boring!

Yes but I do have exceptional conflict resolution skills and a sweet WWII era gasmask

Well good, you'll need them here. All we're waiting on now is Tuna Ghost from the Evil Parallel Universe. You'll know him by his goatee.

That guy is a dick

Yeah, he's a jerk. A lot of people from there are total bastards.
 
 
Kiltartan Cross
19:06 / 08.09.06
Recruit my alternate selves? Bugger that, I shall kill them to steal their power. It's the only way to be sure (...that they won't do it to me first...)
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
19:08 / 08.09.06
Elijah (A Strange Name For A Girl) reports that Barbelith-99 has fallen to Anti-Tom and his army of Anti-Moderators! They were all locked, deleted and eventually BANNED! She was the only survivor and seeks vengence on the one who triggered all the destruction!
 
 
electric monk
19:49 / 08.09.06
*ssshhhssshshkkkrrrrk*

This is BLUDMONK of Earth-Omicron! I am broadcasting on all available frequencies from substellar orbit! This reality will soon fall! There are no, repeat, N...



*ssshhhssshssssssssingularity is enveloping everything! I can see the continents dissolving like sugarcubes in hot coffee! We have failed, repeat, failed to delay the singula...

*ssshhhssshrrrrttttttt*tritium engines failing! It's coming! Dear God, it's everywhere! My very being is coming un
*ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*
 
 
Mistoffelees
20:02 / 08.09.06
MisNOffelees from Planet Eclair is not allergic to cats, and is stroking his furry friends Dr. No style while busily typing away British agents via his custom fitted toe keyboard.
 
 
miss wonderstarr
20:48 / 08.09.06
Little Miss Whimsystarr from Barbelith-Vertigo comes with limited edition collectible figurine based on designs by Jill Thompson, signed by Neil! Can you help us, Little Miss Whimsystarr?

Hold on... what? I can't read that. The... the font's sort of the same color as the background. Yes, it's very pretty but sort of unreadable. Is that [tilts head] an "o" or an "a"? You're... you're going to eat jelly fishes? OK. OK, thanks!

Let's vibrate at a different fr-

what's that, Little Miss Whimsystarr? Oh, you've got that big crow to translate for you. OK, what's she saying, crow? Her dress is a McKean original. Well, that's nice. I like the... the sort of photographs of dolls he stuck on there, and the cobwebs strung under the armpit. No, I don't really want a coffee-table book of all her dresses, but thanks! No, not even signed by Dave.

Vibrating at a different frequency, we can call on The Wonderstarr, from Barbelith-1986. I can tell she's coming, I can hear her thoughts. They're... they're kind of BLOCKY.

OLD. OLD WOMAN. BLANCHE ALWAYS LAUGHED -

Blanche? You mean the White Cat, your sidekick from the more innocent 1970s? What happened to her anyway? She had that gold glittery disco outfit -

BLANCHE ALWAYS LAUGHED -

WHITE AND GOLD STAINED
WITH

(BLOOD)

ANOTHER WAR, ANOTHER SOLDIER

LOST

Okay, it's getting kind of dark here, The Wonderstarr. I can't really make you out against that... swirly sort of painted backdrop of a, a city or forest or something. It's really dramatic though, it's great! Yeah, it looks very adult. Sophisticated. No problem, you're welcome. No... no, doesn'tlook like something for kids at all. I promise!

Third try's the charm: Mister Wonder from Barbe-fifth.

Hello

Oh, hello! Gosh, you... sorry, I just didn't quite expect

You're blushing

I know! I never blush

I seem to have some kind of... effect on you

I know, I ... gosh, I... I really don't know what to say. Oh.

Your hand is cold. You... you're trembling.

Come closer. I want you closer.
 
 
miss wonderstarr
21:33 / 08.09.06
[sorry I thought I was going into a kind of satire of Barbelith flirting, but it turned into the start of a narcissistic het-sex-with-yourself fantasy]
 
 
Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey
21:54 / 08.09.06
Cloned Christ on a Moped inhabits Barbelith-µ.

He's got a pocket full of ludes and he's off down Brighton to rumble with the Rockers.
 
 
MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!
21:58 / 08.09.06
The only MattShepherd that remains is the anthropomorphic MattShepherd from Barbelith-C. He is, sadly, a sea sponge and can only burble softly to himself as doom approaches through a suddenly cancerous and darkening purple sky.
 
 
■
23:21 / 08.09.06
.. & .- -- & ... --.- ..- .- .-. . & ..-. .-. --- -- & . .- .-. - .... -.. & .. & .... .- ...- . & - .-. .. . -.. & - --- & -... .-. . .- -.- & --- ..- - & --- ..-. & - .... . & .-.. .- .-. -.. .- ... ... & -.-. ..- -... . & ..-. --- .-. & -.-- . .- .-. ... & -... ..- - & .... . & .--- ..- ... - & - .... .. -. -.- ... & .. & .- -- & .- & -. .. -.-. . & -... .. ... -.-. ..- .. - & .- -. -.. & -.. ..- -. -.- ... & -- . & .. -. & .... .. ... & - . .- & .--. .-.. . .- ... . & .... . .-.. .--.

[Mmm. More biscuits]
 
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
01:30 / 09.09.06
Red skies! Red skies! Lightning! Why is it always lightning?

The Papers of Barbelith-23 will be no help whatsoever, of course - he's gone off to becoming a teen pop star sensation and wears a lot of kicky outfits in neon colours. He wears spangly, open shirts over wife-beaters and likes to get wet. Tiger Beat cover three months in a row! He won't help us against the Anti-Coates.

Papers from the Laundromat, the accredited Papers of Barbelith-623987(a) suffers from a goldfish memory and can't seem to remember how to shave. Ugh.

Turban-wearing Ibis-knockoff Papers Call Me That, Not I, from Barbelith-2, fought evil during WW2 but seems to have fallen into disrepair and old age. He just waves his hand vaguely in your direction when you speak to him and demands his Ovaltine.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
05:25 / 09.09.06
Well, the good news is Tuna Ghost from Evil Parallel Universe (EPU) finally showed up, but the bad news is he pretty much just smoked all my pot and made out with Tuna Ghost: Mirror World's girlfriend. That dude is such an asshole.

I totally hate that guy

Yeah I bet. Fortunately, the Tuna Ghost from Universe QVII! just waltzed in like he owns the joint. He is truly the King of Iron Fist, in his world Tekken Is Life.

Yes we take Tekken very seriously

Cool. You know, I'm pretty sweet myself. Here on this world's Barbelith I'm actually the reigning King of Iron Fist.

In my world, your skills would pay no bills and you would wipe the sweat from my PS2 controller with the pitiful scrap of burlap that the Tekken Lords grant to you as clothing.

Huh.

Yeah.

That's pretty intense.

I haven't known a woman's touch in seven years.

Sucks to be you, nerd. Hey, wasn't one of us supposed to bring some drinks or something? I could really go for a martini right now.

The invitation I recieved plainly stated this was BYOB.

GASP
 
 
ORA ORA ORA ORAAAA!!
06:35 / 09.09.06
I'm currently hosting two Green, a Blue, three Purple (or maybe one's a Mauve?), a Pink, four Light Blue, two Orange and one Yellow Frogs Rising, from Barbeliths 1-15 (3 is missing, I don't know the story there).

It's been... interesting. They all brought tequila, for some reason. Except Yellow Frog Rising. He brought a handle of some gin brewed in a bathtub.
 
 
ORA ORA ORA ORAAAA!!
06:40 / 09.09.06
Huh... on the CRT screen that lets me monitor security in my base, they're all different colours, mostly.

Or maybe the requila is setting in...
 
 
miss wonderstarr
07:43 / 09.09.06
SCIENCE TELLS US THAT THERE EXISTS AN ANTI-MATTER UNIVERSE... AND THAT ON THE BOUNDARIES OF THIS UNIVERSE, THERE IS A LIMBO KNOWN TO ASTRONOMY AS "THE IN-BETWEEN"! LIGHT-YEARS OF EMPTY SPACE, NEITHER MATTER NOR ANTI-MATTER. EMPTY... SAVE FOR TWO FIGURES FLOATING IN THAT UNFORGIVING GULF...

~ Lucky you had those CAPOEIRA skills, Tuna Ghost! You managed to crane-kick to a spinning sunset double-slap and break up thru the boundary from the matter universe!

- I'll take that as a COMPLIMENT, Wonderstarr... but the name's not Tuna Ghost! I'm from Earth-57.2. SARDINE Ghost's the name.

~ Pleased to make your ACQUAINTANCE! And it's Mrs, by the way! I'm just Mr Wonder's wife from the Silver Age! I'm nobody special... though I make a great PBJ sandwich and hubby says I'm the best at pressing his suits!

- I'm sure you'll be an ASSET to the team, Ma'am! Boy, this is sure different from what I'm used to.

~ What's your story?

[rock guitar begins]

V/O: Sardine Ghost vowed to avenge Sprat Ghost. "I will defeat Marduk," he said. The next day, he saw a television show about King of Iron Fist Tournament. "This will be where you die Marduk," said Sardine Ghost.
Sardine Ghost dressed in a costume with a leopard's head, and snow goggles

~ Why did you dress like that, dear?

- I.. I don't rightly know, Mrs W. It seemed the right thing to do at the TIME!

- Talking of TIME... we don't have much LEFT!

- UHH?

- Let me INTRODUCE myself! Infra-red Frog Rising from Barbelith-3. I can't be seen on the normal SPECTRUM! That's scientific fact! But I can see one thing... we've got COMPANY!
 
 
Princess
09:35 / 09.09.06
!!
Tis I, Princess Tombuckling!
I come from the Princessvoid. In my universe, the Anti-moderators where defeated. Our power is strong, our interior-decorating-fu is mighty. We offer you a choice weaker universes, take the Princesses as your leaders and we will save your puny, archaicly decorated Barbeliths. If you refuse, we will give the Anti-Tom a weapon so tastelessly cliche IT CANNOT BE DEFEATED!!!!!!.

Except by us, obviously.

You have 25 earth hours to decide!!!
 
 
Princess
09:58 / 09.09.06
-... --- .-- & - --- & .--. .-. .. -. -.-. . ... ... & -... --- .-- & - --- & .--. .-. .. -. -.-. . ... ... & -... --- .-- & - --- & -.-- --- ..- .-. & .. -. -.. --- -- .. -. .- -... .-.. . & .--. .-. .. -. -.-. . ... ...
 
 
miss wonderstarr
11:23 / 09.09.06
MEANWHILE, ON A WORLD VERY SIMILAR TO OUR OWN, A FAMILIAR FIGURE WITH TWINKLING EYES AND A WRY SMILE [who writes this stuff?!- Smilin' Stan] GAZES DOWN ON THREE YOUNG HOPEFULS! WHAT CURIOUS SCENE IS BEING PLAYED OUT? READ ON, FAITHFUL FOLLOWER OF THE AWE-INSPIRING MARVEL UNIVERSE! AND TREMBLE WHEN YOU REACH THE SHOCK CONCLUSION OF...

"THY WARRIOR, BE NOT SO MIGHTY!"

- Papers of Barbelith-23! you opted OUT of the assault course, AND you failed to rescue the screaming infant! I'm... DISAPPOINTED in you, Papers!


- Whatever, m8. Eddie? Where's my limo, you Scotch fairy?

THE FAMILIAR FACE GROWS STERN... PENSIVE! THEN THE EYES LIGHT UP AGAIN AS THEY FALL ON THE NEXT ASPIRING SUPERHERO!

- Miss Wonderstarr Prime. You excelled at the PHYSICAL challenge. But more IMPORTANTLY... you paused to rescue a helpless CHILD. THAT... was acting in a TRULY SUPERHEROIC MANNER. I salute you, Miss Wonderstarr Prime!

~ Sir? Mr Lee?* When I hear you say those words? It's as though I hear my FATHER honoring me!!

----------
* That's right, true believers! The old guy was Senile Stan all along! If ya guessed... give yaselves an honest pat on the back!
----------

THE EYES CLOUD WITH A TEAR, BRISKLY WIPED AWAY.

- I don't DESERVE that praise... but I ACCEPT it, Miss Wonderstarr Prime. You are a true SUPERHERO. Your reward... is to enter the CRISIS ON INFINITE BARBELITHS!


EXCELSIOR!

--- &&& ... --- &&& ... --- &&& ... --- &&& ... --- &&& ... --- &&& ...

THE NEW ORLEANS OF PARA-66! DRIED SKULLS HANG LIKE ABANDONED BEADS FROM CROOKED-ANGLED BALCONIES. CLOUDS SCAR THE YELLOW FACE OF A HUNTER'S MOON.

Elijah (A Strange Name for a Girl) peeks from the stark strokes of a doorframe drawn by Steve Yeowell.

- I, uh... I think the SingularityGhasts have left this city, Miss W. Even the whole parallel. It looks pretty deserted.

~ That's MS Wonderstarr. I'm the Denny O'Neil and Neil Adams grittily glamorous version of the character from 1971, Elijah... and it takes more than some creepy ghosts to scare THIS chick.

- Aren't... aren't you COLD, dressed like that? I mean, your, you know, your CHEST, you could catch something.

~ I worked for this BODY, Lady, and I can show it off all I like! I'm sick of all this talk about WOMEN'S LIBBERS. What about men, and the trouble they have with their libbers? *

-------
* Mad Magazine, 1976
-------

- I don't know, I just thought some people could see it as sorta SEXIST.

~ No, no. I'm actually being written by Grant Morrison in 2006 as an IRONIC REVAMP of the 1970s Ms W. The way I'm drawn like a pin-up is a CRITIQUE of that ideology!

- Oh. Oh, Ms Wonderstarr. I can see lights. Headlights.

~ You're darn right, Sister! And I'm proud of these hooters. The Suffragettes went on hunger strike to get me the rights to wear this outfit... and Boy, I'm suffering now with this diet!

- No... oh no. It's the lights of the GhastShips returning. Oh no.

[SPLASH PAGE!]
 
 
Evil Scientist
14:29 / 09.09.06
Ahem, sorry about that.

Meanwhile on Barbelith 616

I am The Evil Watcher! It is my duty to observe the myriad mysterys of the Multi-Barbeverse. From my home here on your Moon's Blue Area I can view any event I choose.

Look now towards a seemingly normal Switchboard thread. You see many of the board members in desperate battle against a troll, one of those foul entities whose tendency towards childish insults and outright offence is a constant threat.

But then another appears, and another. A seemingly endless stream of trolls.

For this is not your Barbelith, but a dark mirror universe where we answer the question:

What if? Barbelith couldn't ban trolls?
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:30 / 09.09.06
Somebody hit Evil Scientist. He's skipping again.
 
 
Axolotl
14:41 / 09.09.06
"murrrh" *lurches round corner*
The zombie Axolotl from Earth 2149 has arrived seeking brains to satisfy his unholy appetite!
Ze's dead, ze's all messed up and therefore won't be much use in the fight against the Anti-Tom.
 
 
Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey
22:28 / 09.09.06
Cloned Christ on a Moped hurtles round a corner...

...but where he was expecting a gang of tooled up, leather clad Rockers he happens upon Whitebait Ghost from Barbelith-л, with his crayfish henchmen!

Prepare to meet thy saviour!

Buh..

But I am the Saviour!

And we are the makers of the Pi!

Cloned Christ on a Moped kicks down a gear, flicking his handlebars towards the open pub cellar door to his left and blindly surges forward, filled with the love of Our Lord...
 
 
Princess
08:06 / 11.09.06
The proud race of the Princesses gave you a warning, you ignored it. Behold!!!!!!!!!!!

  
 
Ron Stoppable
10:39 / 11.09.06
The One True Jodrell of The Metaverse sits motionless, dark and mad outwith the fourth wall, watching. Just watching. He knows what's coming and basks in the aroma of Panic and Futility that charge the air around him.

Absently his mind wanders. "When the Crisis is ended and all are laid low, what then? What remains for me?" A moment of uncertainty and then the thought rises unbidden; "perhaps it doesn't have to be this way.. "

He stirs, for the first time unsure, and gazes down at the ragtag band of heroes assembling to combat the Inevitable. The Observer sets his jaw and narrows his eyes. "Enough!" he hisses, "No fate but what we make!" Electricity arcs from his temples as the blackness roils around him. On his feet now, emboldened by the decision, arms aloft he spits static into the void; "It is time for a new player to enter the game!" and behind him, from out of the shadow steps a dead-eyed archer clad in purple...
 
 
iamus
21:48 / 18.09.06
An almighty warping boom resounds silently through the heads of lurkers the site over as Barbelith's rainbow hues are sent cycling BACKWARDS THROUGH SPACE, SIDEWAYS THROUGH TIME! Marking the arrival of the UNLIMITED ITERATIONS OF IAMUSES! Created as a shower of crackling electro-babies when the opening of Barbelith's "Back-Door" caused the original TOM/ANTI-TOM reaction, these children have seeded and taken root and are at war with themselves! Now their masturbattle crashes through our Barbelith once again on its fiery möbius-strip warpath through the MULTILITH!!!!

There's YOUARETHEM! Mirror-image of Barbelith's own IAMUS! Essentially joined in ideology, yet repelled like a pair of coy positrons, they are said to be the unwitting driving force of the war! Between them they are responsible for the killing of thousands of threads, and the first posts of an exactly equal number! Yet these two can only see the world around them in the context of one another! Their movements are nothing more than a complex, misunderstood dance, interperated by the legions of combatants as a DEADLY SEMAPHORE OF HATE!

What of INIQUITOUS and MIANUS? Transcriber of these arcane laws of combat, and his anally-fixated lackey? Owing allegience to none, INIQUITOUS travels freely across the Multilith through his mod status in the many Policy and Help fora, playing both sides against themselves in the hopes of seizing the Multilith from the hands of both wearied parties. Zhe nearly succeeds at the turn of every cycle, only to be thwarted by the well meaning bumblings of the essentially kind-hearted MIANUS in The Conversation. But how long can this behaviour continue to perpetuate before something gives?

Spare a thought for poor YOUAREEVERYTHING and EVERYTHINGISYOU. Oh, YOUAREEVERYTHING and EVERYTHINGISYOU, faithful front-line soldiers and secret paramours. Torn together by the forces that keep them apart. Lovers first, warriors second, yet stuck travelling opposite directions of the Wär-strip. Fated to be eternally drawn to one another across eons, to meet in a simultaneous clash of sword and stolen kiss before being cruelly wrenched apart again. They long for the Sacred Three to one day return and sanction their union.

And how long has it been since anybody has heard tell of the Holy Triumvirate? Messrs. OORAMUS, YOURAMUS, and ABODY'SAMUS? Having disappeared from the battle many cycles ago after knocking the hat off of PC Madness, leaving server-crashes and troll-trails in their wake. It is said that their return will herald the last twist of the war, when they split the heavens and descend upon the field, weaving new fora from threads of purest joycore, and finally hyperlinking all the Barbes of the Multilith in glorious union.

There are many stories in the Wär-strip musturbattle of the iamuses. These are but a few...
 
  
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