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Three (unrelated) scenes

 
 
Peek
19:21 / 17.08.06
First: Flight

My shoulder itches. The p-skin briefly forms a tiny scratchy place to relieve the distraction, and then smooths back into its habitual silkiness. Can’t have the pilot distracted, oh no. The physical must not intrude. The physical is all out there, diving and spinning in a hard acceleration with my brain, it seems, three inches in front of my eyes trying to keep track, keep control. Processing hard; flow state, they call it, where every action is instinctive, the moves just come without conscious thought, straight from hindbrain to hands with no me in the middle. Code or flight, it’s all the same. Particularly here.

Hard sunshine, hard concrete, we’re down in a puff of sullen dust and glittering glass shards from where the others didn’t make it. Nice touch.

The screens go black and the helmet lifts and sweat drips down my nose to itch where the p-skin can’t reach it. My hands are numb and I nearly poke myself in the eye wiping the trickle away. The hatch goes up and a cheerful face intrudes. “Rough one, yes? They really tried to kill you this time.”

“She’s a bitch, it’s true.”

“The bird? Sanika?”

“Gimme a hand.”

Clambering out of the bird always seems so awkward, I feel heavy and ungainly on the ground. I’m reminded of a landbound albatross. It’s cooler than I expect in the hangar, but maybe that’s just because I’m soaking wet in nothing but my p-skin and my boots.

“She wants to see you.”

“Great.”

Looping a towel round my neck, I head up the steel stairs to the control pod, hovering like a malevolent wasp’s nest above the hangar floor. From here you get a panoramic view of the simulators and in the distance, the birds. They glitter with reflected sunset and I take a moment to covet them before pushing on the office door.

Sanika Fullman looks up at me from the bank of screens and flicks a long finger at a chair. “Sit. Look at this.”

A looping whorl of light unwinds on a screen, tracing my simulated flight through the course I’ve just completed. Hologate after hologate pops into existence, is tracked, caught, completed, in a swooping swallowdance. “You nearly missed this one.” The dance stops, frozen, and the display zooms in on the gate in question, my wings nearly clipping the edge.

“Nobody else made it past gate six.”

“You miss one, you die. Game over.”

“I completed the course.”

“Sloppy flying, Cal.”

I raise an eyebrow. “I made it through. All the way. Twenty seven gates and the worst layout you could think up, and I beat it.” I towel my face again. “I’m ready.”

“You’re ready when I say so, and not before. If I’m not happy, you don’t go.”

“Keeping you happy is my sole aim in life.” I stand up, heading for the door. “Shower time.”

Sanika gives me a long, cold glare, and then turns back to her screens. I smile all the way down the stairs.

---

Second: Martha

Martha leaned on her hoe, watching from under her hat as Joel made his slow approach. The mule huffed and complained more than usual and she wondered what the extra load was on the cart to make it sulk so. Pulling an early carrot, she ambled up to the gate and waved.

Joel waved back, his bald head shining and pink between fringes of grey hair.

Martha grinned. “You need a hat,” she called out as he got closer. “Gonna boil your brains.”

Joel made a face. “Boil ‘em in sweat if I wear a hat. Hot summer.”

“No kidding.” Martha held out the carrot for Josey to munch, a little apology to the old mule for her long driveway. “What ya got today?”

“Bunch of stuff. Mail first.” Joel handed over a thin packet of letters for her, turning back to rummage amongst the baskets and crates in the cart. “Honey from Bill.” A large crock. Joy. “Eggs from Sonia.” A basket, lined with straw, too rustic for words. “Peter says pick up the lamb when you come with the fruit.”

Martha scratched an eyebrow. “Okay. Tell him Wednesday, the plums are just ready.”

“Will do. Now. Couple boxes from the City. Need a hand? They’re heavy.”

“That’d be grand. Bring ‘em up to the house.” Martha swung the gate open for the cart to pass through, then followed up the dusty track to the house. Stowing the food in the cold room, she dusted off her hands to help Joel shift the heavy boxes into the main hall. “Been waiting for these, quite a while.”

Joel poked at one of the sturdy boxes with a booted toe. “Parts?”

“Nope. New gear.”

Unsheathing her heavy knife, Martha sliced through the packaging and peeled back the plastic wrapping. Joel whistled. “That the new Quantum?”

“Yeah.” Martha grinned up at the fat postman. “You know I can’t resist those new gadgets.”

“Damn, Martha, you gonna end up missing the harvest.” Joel poked her, now. “Too much time sitting indoors gonna make you fat.”

Martha slid her hands over the cool crystal, leaving fingermarks. “Tch. I’d only get fat if I ran the post.”

Joel snorted. “Speaking of which. Got any to go?”

---

Third: Duskha

Duskha is a city well named. Dusty, sandy, and constantly caressed by a gentle wind, it stretches for nearly fifteen miles along the shore of the Sarsha Lake. The wind is gentle, but it’s relentless, and it’s said that if you stay out in it long enough you will go quietly mad. It’s said that many of the inhabitants of Duskha already have.

The port quarter is surprisingly small, for a city with such a shoreline. Just a few shabby jetties, mostly used by the fishing fleet. There are few traders here, half a dozen hardy souls that ply the routes across the Lake from the richer cities on the western shore.

In the cool galleries of the rich, tiny jewel-coloured birds hop and peep in giant elaborate aviaries, forming an ever-changing foil to the silks and oiled woods. Indolent ladies recline on overstuffed lounges, listening to the storytellers and sipping salha, while silent barefoot women glide to and fro with fruit and pastries.

Below, in the pounded-earth streets and alleyways, ragged boys dart amongst the crowds, running errands and taunting the market sellers, bright eyed in the shadows. One small one cautiously follows Fa'aka as he stamps along, robe swishing the dust into a minor devil to dance behind him, staff crashing down with every step, swinging wide and wild. Bystanders scatter, clearing a path before the old man, intimidated as much by his scowling manner as the ironwood staff. Reaching a certain door, the staff swings up and back and around and crash, into the door, and again. "Come out, damn you," the old man roars, "come out and face me!"
 
 
All Acting Regiment
11:55 / 18.08.06
I've only read the first one so far, but it's interesting. I think the start is a little bit bewildering however, and I think perhaps a little straight explanation of the situation would have made it easier for you to put across what you were talking about. Yes, generally, sensuality is better than sentimentality (or, in the debased version, "show don't tell") but I think you could afford a little telling just to ease us in.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
14:54 / 18.08.06
I like them all, although I have a slight preference for Martha and her mysterious package, and am less engaged by the pilot and the old wizard (although old man has an edge through being more Gandalf and less Jack Reacher).

Interesting that these are in three different and distinct genres, with different characters and in different voices, as though you are testing out approaches methodically, changing person, tense, gender, voice and setting each time. Are you planning to expand on any of the above?
 
 
Peek
18:39 / 18.08.06
First, thank you for your comments, they're helpful. I have no idea what this stuff looks like or how it reads from the outside, as it were.

Legba: the first one is intended as the opening of the story, so it's interesting to know that what's in my head isn't communicating clearly to all. I had a sort of camera-zooming-out from initially confusing situation (what the..? who the..?) to resolution (oh, it's someone in a funky bodysuit flying a simulator) thing going on in my mind. Maybe that stuff just doesn't work in text... Is it just too sudden? Or have I been too obscure?

Whisky Priestess: I have a slight preference for Martha myself - or at least, I know more about her... The old man isn't actually a wizard (nor even the main protagonist), although I see I have indeed given him all the usual cues (bad temper, robe, staff...) I think that would become clear in the next paragraph though, so I guess I just didn't write enough!

The style changes felt appropriate to the material.. I rather enjoyed the descriptive, storyteller type approach to the last; generally I know I prefer not to describe, only to imply (and let the reader imagine) - I think maybe I overdid this in the first piece! For instance, I don't want to flat out tell the reader what Martha's package is; either it'll become clear in the course of the story, or it won't matter, right?

I'd love to expand on them, and have done so a short way, but my problem is - has always been - that while I can imagine a scene very clearly, describe the people, their relationship and what's going on, plus their backstories - I'm absolutely rotten at plot. (It makes me a terrible GM, as well.) I fear weedy storylines that peter out, or that I can't extend, and yet aren't punchy enough for a short story. It's as though these are roleplaying characters, fully realised, with complete histories, just waiting for someone to come along and give them a scenario to work through.

I am patient. It will come. These guys have been rattling around demanding to be let out for a while. Now they're out, and hopefully interesting to other people. What comes next will probably appear by the same route!
 
 
All Acting Regiment
14:11 / 21.08.06
Legba: the first one is intended as the opening of the story, so it's interesting to know that what's in my head isn't communicating clearly to all. I had a sort of camera-zooming-out from initially confusing situation (what the..? who the..?) to resolution (oh, it's someone in a funky bodysuit flying a simulator) thing going on in my mind. Maybe that stuff just doesn't work in text... Is it just too sudden? Or have I been too obscure?

Perhaps, perhaps. Remember that not everyone knows what a funky bodysuit or a flying simulator is. This is something I've noticed, with a few people who set out to write in genres: the expectation that the reader will know all about certain tropes already, and thus need not be told exactly what is happening. It's an easy trap to fall into and I think this is what makes some good genre writing offputting.

However, I do like your idea of starting out in confusion and then turning slowly towards the realisation of what's actually happening. It's a good trick if you can pull it off, so maybe you just need to be more explicit with the reveal you've already got.

Also, I think it might not be a good way to start a piece- maybe it would work better as a start to a chapter or section. We all like running around the house of crazy, but it helps to know how to get in in the first place. Introductions need to be clear. At least, I think so- anyone else?
 
 
Whisky Priestess
14:49 / 21.08.06
A bit of chucking in at the deep end does no-one any harm (see Clockwork Orange for the best and brassiest example of this technique) - but it can be a risky strategy because your reader does have to want to keep afloat - which, if you bore or confuse them too much, they won't.

(I confess I was a wee bit *yawn*-seen-this-before with the opening of Flight and wasn't surprised that he was in a simulator, but I'm an incorrigible second-guesser.)
 
 
Peek
20:47 / 21.08.06
Remember that not everyone knows what a funky bodysuit or a flying simulator is. This is something I've noticed, with a few people who set out to write in genres: the expectation that the reader will know all about certain tropes already, and thus need not be told exactly what is happening.

Oh. Oh my. You know, I hadn't even considered that, and it's an excellent point indeed. Half of me is now thinking I should have labelled the pieces (SF, SF and Fantasy). However, I don't think that would help with the initial confusion. WP notes a bit of ennui with the start of Flight, and indeed I don't think it's a particularly unusual technique... I assumed the following paragraphs would settle the reader back down to a more comfortable speed and grasp, much as the narrator's mind slows back down from max-process to normal when he exits the simulator. (And saying that, I didn't think about any of this in detail until reading your posts!)

I suppose one terribly feeble defence would be that in the normal way of things, a reader would know what genre they were dealing with before reading the piece/story/book/etc...

I'm struggling a bit with how to add more exposition without going overboard and turning it into a description-fest. I rather like the obscurity, I confess. How about this. Any better? Too much? Worse? I feel it stutters a bit, but I don't want to be wedded to a concept that doesn't actually work outside my head.. heh.

--

My shoulder itches. My pseudoskin suit automatically detects this and forms a tiny scratchy place to relieve the distraction, then smooths back into its habitual silkiness. The pilot must not be distracted by physical nonsense. The physical must not disrupt concentration. My concentration is all out there, diving and spinning... (etc)
 
 
feline
02:26 / 22.08.06
I liked all three, with a preference for the first two. I think the problem you're facing with 'flight' is that you can't please everyone: non-genre readers might not understand what's going on, where genre readers guess too quickly. I guess I was somewhere in the middle; I was intrigued rather than confused and didn't guess what was going on. I agree with WP that sometimes an 'in at the deep end' start can be really effective.
I don't think there's necessarily much you can do except write in the genre you're comfortable with and go with your instincts.
All three were readable and you've obviously spent time in your characters' heads. I know what you mean about plot though. Have you tried adapting a 'classic' storyline, you know, the way Romeo and Juliet has been written and rewritten a million times? Or a true story, or a myth..?
 
 
All Acting Regiment
13:33 / 22.08.06
All three were readable and you've obviously spent time in your characters' heads. I know what you mean about plot though. Have you tried adapting a 'classic' storyline, you know, the way Romeo and Juliet has been written and rewritten a million times? Or a true story, or a myth..?

Good point. You should never be afraid of lifting and changing ideas from other places, because we all do it all the time anyway. Just so long as you don't claim to be original (in that sense), it'll nearly always work.
 
 
Peek
15:52 / 25.08.06
Thanks again for your thoughts. I've been pondering.

I have further ideas for the second and third pieces; they seem to go somewhere and have a life beyond what's already there. The first piece, on the other hand, seems to me like a paragraph exercise. I don't really have much inspiration for anything more than I've written; I enjoyed crafting the first para but that's .. kind of .. it.

So! The good news is that I can stop worrying about whether it's impenetrable without some previous SF training

Seeking plots from myths has always seemed somehow like.. cheating. I've heard it said "there are only seven stories" and I'm sure that it all comes down to a few archetypal tales, but I SO want to avoid the "hero's journey" and so forth. I also know few myths. Off to do some research.

Thanks again for the feedback.
 
  
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