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Right, crit time.
First off, three great stories. Really, I mean that. I was in the Creative Writing programme at my own university, and if stories even half as good as each of these had shown up with any regularity, I would have been over the moon. Well done. That said, I'm not going to pull punches here, so please don't be offended.
First story - Sinterklaasavond
This story leapt right into things, and the voice of the child, though told in the third person, was very authentic. There was just enough 3rd person intervention to structure the story well, but the vocabulary and phrasing put me in the girl's head very effectively. Your descriptions of colours, textures, smells and sounds are very effective, and the story as a whole has a rich but not overwhelming flavour to it. I thought the overarching themes of alienation and loss of innocence were handled deftly, and the ending was very well done, provoking an emotional response without being too sentimental or schmaltzy. That said, the story left me feeling a little uncertain - it seemed more of a short vignette, and aside from showing me the processes and events that can lead a young person to begin hating their body (and doing that very well), it didn't grab me in other ways. I'd rate this third out of the three.
Second story - The Migration of the Sand
I really liked this one. The title however did nothing for me, it's a little too matter of fact. I'd suggest using a line from the story itself - 'We must either burn or drown' or some variant - that line particularly stood out for me in it's starkness. In this story, you got the tone pretty much right, with a real sense of tribal mythology, almost saga-telling, coming through in the rythym of the speech and the formal construction of sentences. It's a difficult trick to pull of without sounding almost parodic, but you've done it really well here. I liked the quasi-fantastical nature of the tribe itself with the wind, sea and beastmasters. I initially searched for signs of modernity (tribesmen toting AK's etc) but twigged that it was almost a nowhereland pretty quickly - it might be worth putting some kind of cue to this earlier in the story. This story's main weakness was that it was resolved and over so quickly - the sense of hopelessness was resolved almost immediately that it was established. If you have the time, I'd suggest a redraft to show the tribe exploring ruins on the seafront, trying anything to escape, perhaps some building rafts and setting off across the sea. It comes off as a little deus ex machina currently.
Use of language is superb - London felt a little more arid after reading it. I was going to place this one first, but I'll rate it second out of three
Third Story - Cuckoo
I was prepared to hate this story, from the first paragraph, which is Dundee-cake like in it's verbal richness. I can handle about two or three sentences of it, but then I'm stuffed. The remainder of the story tones this down considerably and works really well, but I'd suggest a serious edit on that first section.
This story works tremendously well, seemingly at first a domestic story with not a sinister note in sight. There were some delicious stabs of unease scattered through the narrative, building to the awful, disquieting conclusion. I particularly liked the 'bunched fists like a hanging judge' of Big Bear. The story progresses well through deft use of dialogue, though I would personally have the kid asking very slightly fewer questions and allow the mother character more rein in telling the story. The last few lines are superb. I would add some sort of reaction from the child as his mother leaves the room though, to give an idea of the turmoil such a story might provoke in the mind of a child. Something like 'In the darkness, Nicky swallowed in his fever-dry throat, and stared with his blue eyes at the shape of Big Bear in the chair.' I'm sure you can put that better than I have.
All in all though WP, some cracking writing. Thanks for putting it our way! |
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