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Best Man's Speech

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14:41 / 26.07.06

Help. I’m best man at an old school friend’s wedding next weekend and I haven’t a clue how to go about writing the speech.

I can’t think of any funny stories that don’t hinge on details that disqualify them as suitable for a general audience; I am the only school friend in attendance, rendering any childhood references de facto private jokes; we were kind of estranged during the period that he met his partner; I'm terrified of speaking in front of an unfamiliar audience. Your basic nightmare.

Can anyone offer any advice, tips, recommendations, consoling anecdotes or just kind words to smooth my furrowed brow?

15:09 / 26.07.06

I would recommend plagiarizing as much as possible and using as many relevant "jokes" as you can. Everyone wants to find the best man speech funny, so even if it's not you should be okay. Good luck!

15:15 / 26.07.06

Keep it brief, she is beautiful & he is lucky, don't forget to compliment the bridesmaids and the parents, finish with a joke then a toast, easy peasy.

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

15:19 / 26.07.06

After the applause has died down, open the speech with the obligatory 'Thank you for that warm hand upon my entrance', as my best man did.

It'll kill 'em.

15:22 / 26.07.06

Be as sincere as possible. This often leads to unintentional (but genuine) hilarity.

I just attended a very nice wedding up north with some fine toasts. All of them were based around minor observations of behavior that were easily extrapolated into relationship lessons.

Example: the chronic lateness of one member of the couple was described as living by "hopeful time," a line was drawn between hope and love, thus being dramatically late was just that person's way of saying "I love you." Might sound corny, but we in the audience ate it up. It worked like a charm.

So -- funny and/or annoying thing you notice frequently about your connection to the couple, given the best possible spin for the person wedding your friend. The annoying thing could even be the thing you find most challenging about your friendship, as long as it's a small thing and not, like, physical abuse or heroin addiction.

Tryphena Absent

15:26 / 26.07.06

I feel hypocritical at other people's weddings because I have no intention of ever getting married.

15:31 / 26.07.06

'You always knew i had this gun!'

15:40 / 26.07.06

Indeed, ghadis, the ironic anti-best man’s speech is something I briefly considered. ‘Well, I won the mums’.

Grant, that’s beautiful advice.

15:47 / 26.07.06

The best advice I can give is something what I was told by a friend of mine who was pretty much a professional best man back there for a while, I think he did about four, in the end. Which is; don't focus too heavily on the young people, always include a gag or two for the mums and dads.

Thinking about it, that is a bit vague, but it seems like the way forward, nevertheless.

Also; keep it short, the second bottle of wine before you step up to the plate is probably a mistake, and good luck, and so on, I'm sure you'll be fine.

16:39 / 26.07.06

I did mine for my brother and decided to keep it relatively short and sincere. A few weak jokes but no rude stories. It seemed to go down fine even though to me, it sounded as though it was delivered by a robot.

Tips - When you stand up, take a good look around the room for a couple of seconds, and try and smile (I drew a little smiley face at the top of my print out, to try and make myself smile at the right moment). They do all want you to do well and will laugh at anything. If you're going last, do try and listen to the other speeches. It will take your mind of yours just slightly, and you don't want to repeat any jokes or stories if they cropped up earlier and you weren't paying attention.

good luck.
For the record, I was really proud of myself for doing it (especially for my brother) and my general confidence and stuff has increased since then. Proper grown up milestones eh?

18:37 / 26.07.06

That's a good point, cog. Someone pointed out to me that it is the most sympathetic audience anyone ever gets. This isn't open mic at the Bottle & Heckle. And it's not very grown up to be so anxous about it.

I appreciate the tips on the whole public speaking thing too. I have no trouble at all with small groups of friends, but a room full of strangers gives me the shivers. Looking around the room and trying to make a bit of eye contact is probably a good idea, and I'll try my best too crack a smile, even though I'll want to cry.

Short is very much what I had in mind (what can I get away with? 10 minutes? 5?). People say that you should try and speak much more slowly than you would normally (even if it sounds unnatural to you), so that should help.
Also, I've discovered that one of the guests is pregnant and due to give birth on the day of the wedding. So I thought about opening with a joke about preparing a really hilarious speech full of sensational and outrageous stories, but being forced to cut it all on advice that the expectant mother shouldn't be over-excited (!!!! etc)
Hmm *kerrrrringe*. Honestly, these are the kind of bombers I'm coming up with.
It's going to be a disaster.

18:53 / 26.07.06

Five minutes is all right, I think - let's face it, who ever complains about a speech being too short?

19:05 / 26.07.06

Fraely did a brill best man speech at a wedding last year. He asked a mate to ring him just as he began, then pretended he was on the phone to his mum. The contrivance allowed him to give a humorous meta-commentary on speech giving, the bride and groom's relationship, and his relationship to them (and his mum), it also helped to armour him against his own trepidation, and embarrassment.

Bloody clever and bloody good.

Not sure that was any help, just wanted to share.

19:14 / 26.07.06

Is he a professional stand-up comedian, old Fraely?

Also, Smoothly, if you hear a still, small voice in your head telling you not to get your cock out, ignore it. Us grandmothers love that sort of thing. Perhaps a bit too much ...

*

19:15 / 26.07.06

Who says it's not grown up to be anxious about it? It's an oft-quoted figure, but Statistics say that death is only the second most commonly reported terror among adults, after speaking in public.

I was at a wedding recently where there were just a bunch of friends making speeches. The father of one of the brides was a particular horror; he stumbled along madly from one topic to another, repeating "I don't really have much to say" every other line, through a ten-minute speech. We all loved him. What would have been irritating if we were anywhere we didn't want to be was just endearing when we were all happy anyway. But lessons from that— pretend to be confident. Do not start by apologizing for any part of your performance— apologize at the end, in a funny way, if you feel you need to, but once and only once.

You were estranged from your friend when he met his partner? Is that something that has now become a safe topic of humor? If no one else knows what he was like in school, you can say anything you want to about your school days— your mate once rescued the teacher from out of a tree, that sort of thing. Just make sure the audience knows you're lying by starting out the school stories section with something like "Fortunately none of the rest of you knew him when he was in school— that frees me to make up a pack of lies..."

19:15 / 26.07.06

No, that's good, Boboss. My mother's somewhat unhealthy affection for the groom is one thing I'm trying to work out how to use, so I might just nick that.

19:21 / 26.07.06

Cool. I'm sure he'd be chuffed.

Is he a professional stand-up comedian, old Fraely?

Not as such, but he is a bit of a performer, and his performances are often verfunny.

19:22 / 26.07.06

You were estranged from your friend when he met his partner? Is that something that has now become a safe topic of humor?

Noooooo.

I like these ideas of turning problems to my advantage though. Some artistic license, some flights of fancy... Interesting. Cheers.

06:43 / 27.07.06

one that worked for me was very briefly mentioning the jokes that were too naughty to do: 'not allowed to talk about shotguns, green cards' etc. - a couple of shocked gasps and looks made the speech quite memorable, but it was all done a few youthful years ago and now i like to think i'd do something a little bit less likely to piss off the parents who'd paid for the whole shebang and travelled thousands of miles to be there.

i've got a killer opening move ready for copey's, but after that i was a bit stumped until reading this thread, which has proved quite helpful, so cheers all.

finally, and not sure if you're single or not smoothly, but being best man has in my experience been a green light to shag pretty much whoever you like from the rest of the guests, so the rewards for the five minutes of terror are quite good.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

07:32 / 27.07.06

I've been the best man twice in the last year, why didn't someone give me a heads up about the shagging thing?

The first speech I did was pretyty average and nerve wracking, the second one I was much more relaxed and it went down well.

Drink: Have a drink or two before you get up and have one to hand just to loosen yourself up, do not do it hammered.

Speech: Do write it before hand but don't be afraid to add lib if something comes up. Also use your finger to keep your space, you'll need to because people will heckle but they'll do it in a nice way.

Speech: Short is a good idea but here's the problem, although you're your mates best man the speech has to be relevant to both the couiple. How well do you know the bride and her mates? The speech that went down well I had an anecdote about the groom and one about the bride.

Content: Exagerate a lot. Alluding to the things that you can't say is a good idea. The last one I did I took a list of the thing my mate had told me I couldn't say and tried to sell it to his mum. Also if your alluding to things and not going into detail make stuff up, I alluded to an imaginery incident involving a monkey, electric blue y-fronts and a Barcelona police cell.

Finally end on something quite sweet, it is after all a wedding and not the Empire Strikes Back.

One way to deal with nerves is to concentrate on looking after the groom, if you're busy making sure he's alright and everything's running smoothly then you'll have less time to be worried.

Hope that helps.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

07:35 / 27.07.06

Also where appropriate use mime. I know it's humiliating but believe me people are suckers for physical comedy.

09:19 / 27.07.06

From my play, just before I get killed-

When writing this speech I spoke to my Father, he said "Son, giving a speech is like digging for black gold; if you haven't struck oil after ten minutes, stop digging"

09:48 / 27.07.06

Keep it short - under 10 minutes - and whatever else you've said, finish on a sincere note. Personally, I'd avoid too many 'props', which can come across as gimmicky. There ought to be some element of Things Wot The Groom Got Up To Before Meeting X - it's expected - and I'd try to spin what you have into at least a heavy hint or two (plus the corny "plying me with drink may, of course, loosen my tongue") of wackaday hellraising.

09:55 / 27.07.06

Thanks RRR.

How well do you know the bride and her mates?

Not very well and not at all, unfortunately. You’re right though, I’m going to have to think about that.

I’d not thought to ask the groom if there’s anything (beyond the obvious) that I ought not mention. I might do that, and while I’m about it, ask if there’s anything I should mention.

Which reminds me. Although I’ve been to a lot of weddings recently, I generally find them so horrendous that I quickly suppress the memories. So I’m not sure what the conventions are. Who am I supposed to thank, for example? The bridesmaids, right? Anyone else? Is there a particular toasting etiquette? What’s the form?

10:03 / 27.07.06

If in doubt, comment on how fabulous everyone looks. They'll forgive you any lapses of formal etiquette.

10:07 / 27.07.06

Personally, I'd avoid too many 'props', which can come across as gimmicky.

The wedding is going to be a sort of bohemian affair, taking place in an ancient barn on a farm in the middle of nowhere. So props aren’t really an option. Which I’ve been counting as a shame because I have some very funny pictures from his modelling days. That could have been good (easy to poke fun at, but hardly humiliating), but I won’t have the facilities.

10:24 / 27.07.06

Hmm. That actually does sound promising. Couldn't you have a picture blown up in size as one focus of ridicule? I think props only start to detract when the best man wheels out one prepared doodah after another (as happened at a recent wedding wot I went to).

10:35 / 27.07.06

Well, my favourite thing is the clippings I have from the week he starred in Deirdre’s Photo Casebook, pulling all the classic poses. I had mulled over the idea of doing something with that (manipulating the context, changing the words in the bubbles, that kind of thing), but they would have to be blown up pretty big to be visible in enough detail.
And I basically agree with you. I think the props have to be really very funny to justify the hassle and distraction. More often than not, in my experience, they fall a bit flat.

10:36 / 27.07.06

Although we both liked the blown up print of the groom naked on top of a mountain. We stole it and took it home, in fact.

10:47 / 27.07.06

That's true. What did we do with that?

11:06 / 27.07.06

Also with props it's just another thing that can go wrong, especially if you're not used to public speaking.

This isn't open mic at the Bottle & Heckle

Hah. When I delivered my only best man's speech I had a shitfaced would-be stand-up comedienne sitting 6 feet away from me muttering a continuous boorish commentary on my speech. Also, and I cringe to think of it, my grandmother heckled speeches at both my sister's and my wedding. All I'm saying is that you can't guarantee an easy ride.

11:10 / 27.07.06

Cheers, Bill!
Sheesh.

11:18 / 27.07.06

With rowdy, drunken octogenarians it's as well to be forewarned. But, as people say, everyone will be incredibly disposed to enjoy your speech, so have some fun with it.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

12:05 / 27.07.06

Smoothly in terms of ettiquette there are a number of web sites out there which should tell you (I must admit I always thought the thanks were the Grooms job, though I remember hearing something about the best man thanking the bridesmaids) also you will want to check with whomever is the main organising force behind the wedding (often but not always a scary alpha female on the brides side) as to how they want to play it.

The photo is a good idea in my opinion.

12:10 / 27.07.06

Surely, far more terrifying than having to give a speech is the notion that if the groom doesn't show up the best man has to marry the bride instead. *That's* what you should really be worrying about!

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