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Death of a Parent

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21:29 / 14.08.06

Has anyone spoken at the funeral service of a parent or family member? My oldest brother did today on behalf of the family, and I can't contemplate how difficult it must be to hold it together. It's all the things you want to hear, but for me, not the things I want to say. Certainly not today.

How was your epitath?

22:28 / 14.08.06

My mum died out of the blue of a heart attack nearly four years ago now (four years! sometimes it still feels like last month).

I spoke at her funeral. I think I needed to - she didn't have a partner, and I have only one brother who is 7 years younger and fairly useless, so I did everything when she died, from organising the funeral (including preparing her body - dressing her, putting on makeup etc) to cleaning out her flat. So I think I felt very possessive about the whole process, and that's why I wanted to speak. But I was in such a state of high distress that there is no way I could have found words of my own. Because I couldn't sleep, I was spending the nights in her flat obssessively reading everything that was written on her computer - she was a writer and quite mad (literally - bipolar), so there were pages and pages of poetry and ranting. In amongst all this I found an incredibly beautiful poem that she'd written a few years previously - it was almost as if it was written for the occasion of her death. And so I read that out at her funeral, and it was exactly right.

22:41 / 14.08.06

hey, gingerbop--I just read your long piece about your dad dying; so sorry to hear about it, and yet, as grant and others said, it does sound like he was in a "good" place at death; and it's good that you were in a good place with him, in your life. Still, do take care; grief has its own mysterious ways.

I sang at my grandmother's funeral, a traditional Norwegian funeral song, with my sister, this past June. It was hard but good and definitely felt like what I needed to do, to honor her memory....heh, well, that's a weird word choice--since she died after a long slow night of alzheimer's disease that slowly took away her memory. (Norwegian was her first, and therefore her last, language, too). For the last many years I never saw her open her eyes. We were ready for her to die, and finally she was ready to die too. It was a christian funeral, but it was simple and beautiful and very personal, very evocative of the strong and interesting person my grandmother had been. I was so glad to be there that day, and to help create it, too.

I think it would be much harder to speak at either of my parents' funerals. I can't even quite contemplate it. But, thinking of my family, I may very well be the one to do that. Sigh. I hope they live long.

00:20 / 15.08.06

Gingerbop, I'm sorry, I read your query and was plunged straight back into my own memories. I have been reading this thread closely, but didn't jump in with condolences because I am still fairly new here, but please, read with my earlier post a sadness for your loss that comes from the knowledge of my own...this is a very hard time - you will never forget it, but it does ease. I am so glad for you that you have such strong supportive family right there with you.

08:27 / 15.08.06

My best friends Mum died 2 days ago, I am going to see him tommorow. This thread is just what I needed right now, Thanks...

18:15 / 15.08.06

Don't worry about it, Sorenson. I want to hear it from you; it's why I asked. I find your story absolutely incredible.

The funeral ceremony included this, from a member of the community for which Dad was the single-handed doctor for 18 years:
(It was my favourite bit.)

Epitaph on my own Friend

An honest man here lies at rest,
As e’er God with his image blest;
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, and guide of youth:
Few hearts like his – with virtue warm’d,
Few heads with knowledge so inform’d:
If there’s another world, he lives in bliss;
If there is none, he made the best of this.

- Robert Burns.

19:34 / 15.08.06

Thanks for sharing that -- I've just copied it and socked it away. I would like to live a life that would make that an appropriate epitaph for me. I have a strong weakness (?)for Robert Burns -- something I think I got from my Scottish-born grandfather. I have a vivid recollection of visiting Burns' tomb.

As the kid of immigrants, I've never seen my grandfather's grave. I think I'm missing something -- it's a family disconnect. My mother was unable to attend her mother's funeral (and didn't really remember her father's). I can't remember if my father made it to his or made it there shortly after. He traveled alone, at any rate, and didn't discuss it afterward. I don't have much of a real frame of reference for this, although I've been to more funerals of friends than many people my age.

21:16 / 15.08.06

Where is your grandfather buried, Grant?

Brigade du jour

08:50 / 16.08.06

For what it's worth, I just want to drop my contribution into the big love and support bubble for RetroChrome, Gingerbop and ... well, everyone. Sorry this post isn't terribly helpful, but love and support's all I can really offer. And a big hug, too.

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