I think it's probably safe to say that I'm the only one active on barbelith who has had kids come out to hir?
It seems to me that I am also hearing STRONG TRUTH in what id, ex, xk, and GGM are saying. If you can think carefully and deliberately about how and why you might want to come out, it's probably going to be better for all of you. At least you increase the odds in your favor.
My child came out to me twice, as did elene to her parents. For me, it was not hard to hear about sexual orientation--I was honored that ze felt ze could trust me at a pretty young age and I was basically happy for hir. A little melancholy, perhaps, at the passing of childhood, and always that prick of awareness that the child is moving into a pretty messed up world and just hoping that they'll be ok. In that case, I was told in a carefully constructed letter from summer camp, and I responded with my own loving, carefully constructed reply.
My child's gender identity issues have been much harder, for me. And the mode of telling played a little into that, I think. There wasn't much that was "carefully constructed" about either of our words this time around. In our case, I think we're working through it, but still, it might have been better in the second instance if we had both been in a better place/time/frame of mind to discuss it. Well, you live and you learn. I don't blame my child for this, nor do I blame myself, really--although both of us, in hindsight, could have done things differently. But, that's the thing, sometimes all you have is hindsight.
And it's also true that sometimes there is no "good" way to tell some information, to some people, in certain circumstances. But if it has to be told, it has to be told. And sometimes we all say things at the wrong place and time. It's good to be gentle with each other, if we can.
My very small piece of hard-earned wisdom, from a parents' point of view: If it's possible, at all, try to think of your parents at their best and appeal to the "better" parts of their characters, if you possibly can, as you figure out how to talk to them. Try, also, if you can, to remember that they are vulnerable people with their own histories and issues and pains, as well as being powerful in your own eyes.
I think it's obvious to you all that it can be very hard for a parent (or sibling) to know where you're coming from--that they are sometimes either completely clueless, or, like id's description of his dad, they may have a kind of certainty about their knowledge about gender or sexuality that may actually be interfering with their ability to really hear where you're coming from.
It may be that their understanding of themselves is very tied up in being "in the know" and just the bare fact of your revelation may make them feel stupid. I don't know anyone who likes to feel stupid, but for people who identities are shaped around seeing themselves as "smart," it can an especially hard thing.
The second thing I would say, is that it is probably just as hard for anyone who hasn't parented a child through adolescence or beyond, to fully know what it is like. There's often mutual misunderstanding and ungrounded assumptions. For me, the experience of parenting was fired by a kind of fierce passion that does not always reveal itself as simple love and affection and unconditional support.
I said to my kid, recently, that it's hard to put your kid on a bicycle, teach them to ride, and then let them go off and not simply see trucks ramming into them as they speed through a stop sign. (In part because, of course, we all sped through stop signs on our own bikes when our parents weren't around.)
Responses like "Are you sure?" might be a kind of legacy of this role of sometimes needing to protect your child from hirself. It might be a skewed kind of love. Letting go of that role can be hard and is not always pretty.
Sometimes even smart, loving people can say stupid things. I don't think it's anyone's job to pretend that those things don't hurt us, and often, usually in fact, it's important to let our loved ones know that they've hurt us. But it can be helpful if we can summon the strength and peace of mind to frame our responses to those stupid things in such a way that we leave some room for the other person's dignity, too--particularly if you are really interested in a long term, honest relationship with them.
(Of course in an ideal world, parents would always be able to be the more mature one in a relationship. But, not only is this quite obviouly not an ideal world and some kids are way more mature than their parents, even very mature parents can get tired, go into a kind of shock, and even feel a need to grieve for a child they thought they knew, but didn't really.)
Take care. Be brave, all. |
