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After seeing the Ghost Rider trailer, I've come to the conclusion that Sam Elliott voiceovers will now and forever make me think of only one film.
A much better film than Ghost Rider is going to be.
However, a portmanteau would perhaps make a better film than even the Coen Brothers could ever dream of.
* * *
Slow roaming shot of desert as "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" plays in the background.
NARRATOR
A way out west there was a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider, a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider I want to tell you about, a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider by the name of Jeff Lewbowski. At least, that was the handle his Satanic Overlord gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Ghost Rider. Now, Ghost Rider, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from.
Ghost Rider rolls into a supermarket and begins rolling his motorcycle down the dairy aisle, picking up cartons of milk and checking the expiry dates.
...I only mention it 'cause sometimes there's a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider--I won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes there's a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider.
The flaming-skull-headed motorcycle rider takes a carton of milk off the shelf, opens it, tentatively sniffs it, and drinks about half of the carton.
And I'm talkin' about the Ghost Rider here-- sometimes there's a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider who, wal, he's the demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's the Ghost Rider, in Los Angeles.
The Ghost Rider, glaring from his flaming eyesockets, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk beads his upper row of skull-teeth.
...and even if he's a lazy demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider, and the Ghost Rider was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County.
The Ghost Rider has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and is making out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents.
...which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide--but sometimes there's a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider. . . sometimes there's a demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt rider."
* * *
"Your revolution is over, Ghost Rider! Condolences! The demon-possessed circus motorcycle stunt riders lost! My advice is to do what your parents did: Get a job, sir!"
* * *
"Alll the Ghooost Riiiider wanted was his rruuuuuuggg baaaaccckkk."
* * *
GHOST RIDER
You find them muuuuch? Ssssstolen hellfire motorcyyyclesss?
COP
Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck, though. Or the Creedence.
* * *
WOLVERINE
You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Ghost Rider. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.
GHOST RIDER
But Wwwwolverine--
WOLVERINE
I'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. These fucking amateurs. They send us a toe, we're supposed to shit ourselves with fear. Jesus Christ.
* * *
"Mmmmmind if I do a Penance Stare?" |
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