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Quiet people vs loudmouths

06:02 / 14.06.06

Last night at the pub we had this pretty funny argument, which started when someone was complaining about how it's difficult to meet people when you're a quiet type. I called bullshit on that, because everyone always falls for those shy, withdrawn types who seem so deep and full of meaning. Meanwhile us loudmouths, who are actually doing most of the work, conversation-wise, get passed over in favour of our quieter acquaintances.

Anyway, the argument pretty much broke down with everyone insisting that whichever type they identified as had it rougher, until one of the quiet ones pointed out that all the quiet people at the table were in stable long-term relationships.

As someone who used to be quiet, but can hardly shut up these days, I have been on both sides of the fence. I definitely think you quiet types have it easy - people just develop crushes on you and you don't have to put in any effort. It's ridiculous! This is maybe the one thing I actually have a work ethic about - I think people should be rewarded for putting the energy into being entertaining and fun to be around.

So I was curious what other people think about this.

All Acting Regiment

06:18 / 14.06.06

I called bullshit on that, because everyone always falls for those shy, withdrawn types who seem so deep and full of meaning. Meanwhile us loudmouths, who are actually doing most of the work, conversation-wise, get passed over in favour of our housemate quieter acquaintances...

Listen mate, feel free to swap places with me in my dimension any time you want...

07:06 / 14.06.06

housemate?

07:31 / 14.06.06

Okay forget about the Freudian slip edited out of the original post, in the name of science tell us: do you tend to crush on quiet people or loudmouths?

I def tend to the latter.

07:31 / 14.06.06

Effortless crushes? Perhaps .. but in my experience, it tends to be people who aren't so much crushing on me (yes, card carrying quiet type, though not as pathological as I once was) as on some sort of image they've cooked up and projected onto the quiet front, and the disconnect when they realise I'm me and not the non-person they were crushing on can be pretty shattering.

That and it has generally never tended to be people I'd actually want to be involved with in any serious way. (Not to mention the whole being too quiet means you're not around enough people comfortably neough for them to happen in the first place - nervous wallflowers and hermitty types aren't magic people magnets).

The relationship I'm in at the moment formed, survives and thrives because I did get off my Bum and turn up the volume a bit so I could meet people and have them go for me, and we're all orbiting within a reasonable distance of the quiet/loud midpoint.

Anyway, getting back to the core of it, I'd say quiet people risk being a screen for someones projected fantasy, or just not being noticed at all, loud people can perhaps seem somewhat intimidating and unapproachable and success lies closest to the happy medium between the two?

07:36 / 14.06.06

... Taking far too long writing means missing posts. I'd say I generally crush on moderates (neither mouse quiet nor out there loud) with a slight bias towards quiet simply because of my nature.

07:48 / 14.06.06

i'm attracted to people who are not necessarily quiet but go for quality over quantity. One funny remark is worth a thousand half-funny ones.

I dunno about this crushing on the quiet ones though, never seen it myself. Have definitely been turned off people who talk a lot though - if they talk over other people then i lose respect for them.

08:04 / 14.06.06

i dont tend either way.
i look for HOTT ASS, and then rationalise my desire.

well, that's not true.
not entirely.
i tend to be both quiet and loud, and i tend to want both quiet and loud people.
you kinda need to be able to be both to hold my attention for long.

i need to be able to tell you to shut up, and i enjoy having to occasionally. the same is preferred in return.

[here's where you make the obvious "shut up!" gag]

08:25 / 14.06.06

I’ve tended to have short, explosive relationships with loud, assertive, ball-breaking types. Although my partner of nearly 7 years is definitely on the quieter end of the spectrum, so I think there might be something in what Jackie says about quietness and stability.

All Acting Regiment

08:34 / 14.06.06

Of course, there's natural quietness, when it's just the way someone is and it doesn't hurt them/they're happy with it, and then there's the "social phobia personal problems a go go" style of quietness. And of course these are often hard to tell apart.

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to go out with someone who has problems (that's ridiculous because we all do to some extent) but what I would say is that certainly with a quiet person there's a danger of these unhealthy, imbalanced relationships forming.

Actually, I'm not sure what I am saying, beyond "personality traits can be problems", which I guess we all know. I guess I've just met lots of loud people for whom it never seemed to be a problem, whereas every quiet person I know would much prefer not to be...

10:32 / 14.06.06

I kind of like relationships built on difference. Quiet people go for loudmouths and vice versa, no? I'm generally a little quiet in large group situations so it's wonderful to have a louder person to fill in the gaps if I just feel like listening but don't want to look like a complete dolt.

10:39 / 14.06.06

quiet people risk being a screen for someones projected fantasy

I think this hits the nail on the head for me. Being quiet, people seem to become attracted to you because of their percieved version of your identity as communicated through your clothes and relative cultural positioning. This is going to be inevitably flawed as tyhere is no body of conversation to aloow a more in depth assessment to take place.

I find this often leads to disillusionment when that person realises that you are not the epitome of dissafected cool, you're just shy.

My partner and I are both quiet people and i think this is useful because we can both empathise with feeling socially aware/phobic in given situations, and can support each other when necessary.

11:00 / 14.06.06

Effortless crushes? Perhaps .. but in my experience, it tends to be people who aren't so much crushing on me (yes, card carrying quiet type, though not as pathological as I once was) as on some sort of image they've cooked up and projected onto the quiet front, and the disconnect when they realise I'm me and not the non-person they were crushing on can be pretty shattering.

Oh yes, yes. This has tended to happen to me as well, and I absolutely fucking hate it.

I'm a quiet person but I tend to be attracted to... well, I wouldn't call them loudmouths, but more outgoing people. I have dated a fellow quiet in a long-term relationship but we were too isolated and anti-social as a pair.

My current SO is very gregarious, social, and funny. He's the type to make friends with local shopkeepers just for the hell of it where I'm the type to fork over my money and duck out the door. But he draws me out of my shell and I think he brings out my own sense of humor both alone and in social settings... we complement each other socially, with me playing a little dryly humorous straight man role to his more boisterously funny shtick.

sibyline, beating Qalyn to a Q

13:24 / 14.06.06

I'm gregarious and my boyfriend's quiet. I meet people all the time and have been in significantly more relationshps than him. In a way, this may account for quiets having more stable relationships (if they manage to find them), that there isn't as much distraction from other people. I've personally found it hard to commit to relationships, especially in New York where one is always bound to meet someone interesting at the next party. And as someone who doesn't find it hard to meet people, I do tend to feel constrained by the whole exclusive relationship deal.

That said, the fact that my boyfriend is quiet is a big plus for me. I've always been attracted to the quiets, but they almost never approach me. And oddly enough, I'm outgoing but I don't ask people out, so I tend to get asked out by fellow loudmouths. In the case of the two of us, it worked out because I managed to ask him out when I was a bit drunk at a party.

I feel like I'm always "on" in social situations, and having him there grounds me, reminds me of the things one overlooks when one is always focusing outward. And I'm in constant search for the witty thing to say, whereas he would just be mellow and then come out with something really funny, which is a lot funnier because he says it. I feel like his energy is more focused, which in turn encourages me to concentrate on depth rather than breadth. I really like that.

ORA ORA ORA ORAAAA!!

14:11 / 14.06.06

I used to be incredibly quiet and shy, and the relationship I had in those years was pretty rubbish, really. I am now outgoing and confident, in the main, though not a 'loudmouth' relative to the people I hang out with, and am having a much better time of it. When I was a quiet one, also, I was with a loudmouth, and now I am with a quiet one.

I hope their experience is not the same as mine.

I think I prefer people who are capable of spanning both conditions, depending. It's really nice to just sit in a room and read (or whatever) with someone, but it's also nice when they're capable of keeping up with you at a party, or similar.

17:40 / 14.06.06

Frog, I think you've got it exactly right. Lately, after a lifetime of relationships with quiet, introverted types (because as a quiet, geeky sort myself I saw them as "my people", and thought of the loud, confident people as automatically out of my league), I've started to find the talkers, the inspired ranters, the people who love to use words, desperately attractive. But all the same you don't want someone who only talks and never listens, or someone who can't cope with a companionable silence. Balance in all things.

If this isn't too prying, your post reads as though it was the quiet/loudmouth divide that made your former relationship rubbish. Was that the case? Why so?

21:12 / 14.06.06

I'm pretty surprised this thread inspired reasonably comments, rather than the quiet vs loud FITE! I was (not so) secretly hoping for.

22:14 / 14.06.06

Well I was going to FITE!, but I thought I'd just sit here quietly, so deep and full of meaning.

22:33 / 14.06.06

Well the quiet/loudmouth relationship can be a little troublesome. Both for the gregarious one and the other, I'd imagine. Sometimes I'm a bit too willing to let others intuit what I'm saying (body language, manner, previous knowledge) rather than taking the easier option and actually saying it. This I've found pisses people off and leads to misperception; anything from lack of emotion to total apathy (as well as the aforementioned projection of fantasies).
Although, on the other hand, sometimes I find myself valuing a sentiment expressed much less if uttered in full banter mode as it doesn't seem considered or even true.

ORA ORA ORA ORAAAA!!

01:10 / 15.06.06

it was actually the passive/assertive divide. The person concerned was much more assertive than me, and also much less concerned than me about, I dunno, being a good person to spend time with. Because I can use fancy words like agency (hah), I can say I had very low agency. Turns out the only thing I could influence was if we were an item or not, not any of the other person's behaviour while we were.

I think that equality of agency is why my current relationship works a lot better, since we're both relatively assertive but also willing to yield on things which would otherwise cause problems. That sounds kind of unhealthy, actually, but that's because I'm not describing it properly.

My theory is that power dynamics are more important than excitability levels, but also that they probably correlate to some extent (not totally, though, I've known some veeerry quiet, incredibly indomitable people, and some really extroverted people who just followed along with whatever's going). This is probably off topic, now.

Janean Patience

07:15 / 15.06.06

As someone who talks pretty much non-stop, and what's more has a voice like a corncrake squawking through a faulty megaphone, I've found, annoyingly, that quiet and shy types can be attracted to me. It's annoying because, just like the quiets have said above, they're attracted by the noise and apparent confidence without actually knowing anything about me.

Life's tough all over.

09:20 / 15.06.06

I can swing between "loudmouth" and "quiet person" quite happily, but I think that spiritually, I'm definitely a loudmouth. If something pisses me off, then I'll find a way to get my opinion across, whatever it takes.
I've fallen for a few quiet girls over the years, however I don't think it works that well in practise because my loudness tends to intimidate them.

Whisky Priestess

10:06 / 15.06.06

I only fancy quiet people because I think they have something to hide.

sibyline, beating Qalyn to a Q

18:31 / 15.06.06

much more likely to ask the quiets out than fight with them.

muwah.

19:30 / 15.06.06

I tend to be a semi-loud one and I've crushed on both quiets and louds. I find I enjoy being with other semi-louds because the quiets and the louds place me in an extreme I'm not comfortable with.

It was really refreshing to go out with a group and have my sweetie play host to keep the converstaion rolling. We're both social regulators and are quiet/loud as needful.

21:27 / 15.06.06

it was actually the passive/assertive divide. The person concerned was much more assertive than me, and also much less concerned than me about, I dunno, being a good person to spend time with. Because I can use fancy words like agency (hah), I can say I had very low agency. Turns out the only thing I could influence was if we were an item or not, not any of the other person's behaviour while we were.

While this may (often? sometimes) overlap with the quiet/loud divide, I don't think it has to... I'm quiet in social situations but in relationships I'm assertive and not only capable of, but prone to, taking an equal footing with a "loudmouth" partner. I'm only quiet with other people because either I'm insecure or I haven't got a feel for the dynamics yet - if someone's got as far as a romantic relationship with me than neither condition applies anymore.

00:04 / 16.06.06

I was incredibly shy for a long time, so I still think of myself as a quiet one. I'm still more quiet than loudmouth, but a lot louder than I used to be.

Usually I'm quiet around strangers and whatnot, but with friends I won't shut up.

My partners have usually been more of the loud type, but I I've always crushed the quiet ones more often...

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

15:31 / 17.06.06

I was usually the person doing the talking in social gatherings, and had a nice little run of stories I could tell because of my years in social services. Now, I'm the one int he coffee house with the laoptop, pounding away on something, reading a book, or drinking quietly while watching sports in the pub.

I like to think that I've told the stories enough, and don't need to talk that much any more.

18:15 / 17.06.06

up until I started university I'd always been rather withdrawn and insular. Around the friends that I did have I was always comfortable, if a little detached, but around strangers (especially groups of em) I didn't feel that I could have anything but the most shallow and cursory interaction. I guess I'd always held the nebulous and unexamined idea that no-one would be interested in anything I had to say.

Since starting univeristy, however, I most definately came out of my shell. The specific event that triggered it, I think, was the first time that I took Ecstasy, to many people this sounds like a bad thing. However, the first time I droped was the first time I truley and genuinely felt a connection with other people. This has carried through into the rest of my life, shattering the preconceptions I had about myself and how I related to other people. The first time I dropped I was with some close friends in a club and I spent most of the night away from them and speaking to total strangers. This made me realise that not only did I have things to talk about, but that people were actually interested in what I had to say.

Although I still feel the need to throughly scope out the power dynamics of any group of people I'm introduced to before interacting with them in any meaningful way, on a one-to-one level I'm a LOT more confident that I used to be.

19:31 / 17.06.06

I crush little bugs. Beneath my feet.

No, seriously, I crush on loudmouths because of confidence and ego. There's something attractive about a person who knows they're funny and smart and the life of the party.

I swing between quiet and loudmouth so I attract all sorts. When I do attract. Not that it's very often.