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Crocodile versus bloke with chainsaw

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STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:02 / 28.04.06

A bloke with a chainsaw is no match for a crocodile.

Mistoffelees

20:19 / 28.04.06

I don´t believe you, Stoat.

Let´s test this statement. I found a volunteer.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:28 / 28.04.06

All I can say to that picture is...

COME ON YOU CROCODILES!!!

■

20:35 / 28.04.06

Yeah, but they have no hope against ravenous dogs:

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:47 / 28.04.06

All my arguments fail in the face of cute puppies.

DAMN YOU!!!

Mourne Kransky

20:53 / 28.04.06

In this shot, Steve Irwin appears to have forgotten his chainsaw but has brought along two cheetahs instead.

Those, and the Aussie Rules shorts, will protect him.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:59 / 28.04.06

Okay. If we're now playing a game of "cute things that could totally pwn a bloke with a chainsaw" then I have to once more introduce

To be honest, I don't fancy the crocodile's chances against this one, either.

I reckon a honey badger could probably take Slayer, too.

Mistoffelees

21:04 / 28.04.06

Cute puppies will of course always win against a guy with a chainsaw.

He´ll put the saw down, so he can pet the puppy...
He´ll look into those big puppy eyes, he´ll go aaaw...
And then ... the puppy will strike...

■

21:06 / 28.04.06

I only wish I could put into type the collection of consonants I just squeaked.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:07 / 28.04.06

I reckon even a honey badger would pause to befriend a cute puppy.

Its mates would TOTALLY take the piss afterwards, though.

Spaniel

21:13 / 28.04.06

From Wikipedia

Several African tribes report that the honey badger attacks the scrotum of larger mammals if provoked and has even castrated humans. While these reports remain uncorroborated by first-hand evidence, there is some circumstantial evidence such as remains of castrated Waterbuck and Gnu found in Kruger National Park (dead by blood loss).

Hardcore little fuckers, eh?

Mistoffelees

21:22 / 28.04.06

UUuurrgh, I´ll have ... some interesting dreams tonight, that much is certain.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:34 / 28.04.06

Seriously, I've seen a documentary about honey badgers. At one point, one of 'em who's really old, practically blind and has lost most of her teeth gets killed by a leopard. It takes the leopard A WHOLE HOUR. I reckon she was on the way out anyway... the leopard's presence was incidental.

The same documentary features a honey badger yanking a half-eaten gerbil out of the jaws of a puff adder and gulping it down. When the adder gets arsey, the honey badger bites the fucker's head off. Gets bitten to fuck in the process; the naturalists making the programme spend the night watching what they think is this honey badger's final hours. Heartbeat slowing... breath getting shallower... after a few hours it wakes up, shakes its head, gives this AMAZING "what the fuck was I drink last night?" face, then looks around for breakfast... and eats the rest of the puff adder.

They're the hardest fuckers on God's earth, I swear.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:38 / 28.04.06

Actually, I'll rephrase my "a honey badger could take Slayer" thing from upthread. A honey badger SHOULD JOIN Slayer.

Or Guitar Wolf, really.

I mean, badgers are cool... badgers are BEYOND cool... but honey badgers are beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Only badgers can imagine just how FUCKING HELL!!! honey badgers are with any degree of certainty.

The rest of us can merely dream.

Spaniel

21:38 / 28.04.06

Stoatie, I love you. You're the special honey badger guy.

Did the old honey badger, like, fight the leopard?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:38 / 28.04.06

I'll quit it with the honey badgers now. Honest.

Sorry.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:39 / 28.04.06

YES!!! She fought the leopard. She rocked its ass. It was like a Wesley Willis song in National Geographic format.

Spaniel

21:43 / 28.04.06

So honey badgers are like furry Joe Pescis?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:43 / 28.04.06

The leopard looked embarrassed. ASHAMED I tell you!!!

In fact,

I believe this is the very honey badger/leopard smackdown.

I don't think many people study them, so I guess all the pics and films come from the same source.

I'm stopping now. Really.

Mourne Kransky

21:44 / 28.04.06

That was a great documentary. Looked for the thread where you talked about it before, Stoatie, but couldn't find.

The honey badger ate the adder like it was an ice cream. A real tv OMGWTF moment. Hard bastard. It would have your arm off before you started up your puny chain saw.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:44 / 28.04.06

But they've got, like, punk haircuts AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

Sorry.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:46 / 28.04.06

Xoc- I think it may have been a Late Shift of some sort or other.... I tried looking myself but that kind of shit's unsearchable, though...

...best line from that documentary: "One thing is certain from the legends- THEY ARE THE VERY DEVIL TO KILL!!!"

Mourne Kransky

21:51 / 28.04.06

Enemies:
The only enemy of the honey badger are animals of the same species.

Only a honey badger could threaten a honey badger!

Spyder Todd 2008

21:51 / 28.04.06

2 questions. First, wasn't Captain Hook's nemisis (other than Pan) a croc? Does that mean crocodiles are ninjas?
Second, where may I find one of these "honey badgers"? I wish to know more.

Mourne Kransky

21:54 / 28.04.06

Food:
Being omnivore, this animal lives on insects, small mammals, birds, eggs, snakes, fruits and nodules.

Is that a polite way of saying the scrotums of passing wildlife photographers?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:58 / 28.04.06

Only a honey badger could threaten a honey badger!

That was one of the other acest bits of the documentary- the mother goes off fighting and leaves her cub...

...when she comes back, the cub's fucked, and about to die. And it's terribly sad, but you're thinking WHAT THE FUCK COULD HAVE DONE THAT???

...so they get a tracker in... and it turns out it was another honey badger.

It's all true. The only thing that can pwn even a small honey badger is a larger honey badger.

I'd make a shit honey badger, really. I hate fighting. But were I in the position to head up a sort of JLA-type superhero team, I'd be all like "fuck the superheroes. Let's just get loads of honey badgers. Let's see Dr Doom fight THEM fuckers off!!!"

Spyder Todd 2008

21:58 / 28.04.06

Oh, and according to this, a honey badger could in fact take a crocodile.

Bad. Ass.

All Acting Regiment

21:59 / 28.04.06

Spider...yes! Crocs are ninjas. Honey badgers are sensei.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:00 / 28.04.06

Oh, actually, I forget. Apparently they sometimes do get killed by bees. But that's cos their love of honey is such that they just don't care, once they invade a hive. They have no natural immunity to bee stings or anything... they just LOVE HONEY and are willing to die for it.

Not just hard as fuck... but passionate too.

They're the best animal ever. Except puppies.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:01 / 28.04.06

Legba- wash your fucking mouth out.

Honey badgers are PIRATES.

Mourne Kransky

23:07 / 28.04.06

Just look at the jaunty piratical stripe.

iamus

23:20 / 28.04.06

I think it may have been a Late Shift of some sort or other.... I tried looking myself but that kind of shit's unsearchable, though...

Pretty sure it was a lateshift. Sometime between now and three/four months ago. At current rate of lateshift I'd say there've only been about six or seven in that time. Best mode of attack would be to skip back through the convo about five months and then work your way forward from there, being sure to check that the......

What?

What?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:31 / 28.04.06

Surrre.

That's what the honey-badgers WANT you to think.

All Acting Regiment

00:40 / 29.04.06

I think actually Honey Badgers are so hard that they cross the Ninja/Pirate divide and acess the hardness singularity, a la one of the tribes from Sogdhia or elsewhere on the Central Asian Plain sometime between 10,000 BC and 1700 AD, a time in which Buddhism, Sufism and Gnostic Chrisitanity met up with incredibly violent horseback nomad lifestyles. I think there's some kind of Ninja/Pirate cross-over there, possibly. But yeah. Like that.

Tezcatlipoca

06:01 / 29.04.06

Would now be a bad time to reveal that I've trekked through a lot of Africa, and have seen TEH HONEY BADGERS IN TEH WILD!!!!1!? Well, ok, a Honey Badger.

Fortunately, I didn't get into a fight with the fellow, but I can tell you that standing just a few meters away from one of those crazed balls of fur and teeth, and with no fence to protect your tender areas, a healthy amount of respekt is due...

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