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Warning: long first post.
At the restaurant where I work there's three supervisors, me, C, and K. When I'm not there, either C or K work. On a Wednesday when I have class, C was the sup and lost a deposit in a deposit bag. Now, it was either taken by someone who had access to the safe, or C left it on the desk and an employeee took it. No customer could have gotten to it.
Fast forward three months, and all the sups have to take a polygraph. The police have decided that there is no evidence to investigate and rather, they'll interview every possible suspect. I'm going fairly last because I needed exams to finish.
On the day that my laptop breaks (fuck), I have to do a polygraph and then immediately work because C and K are inconsiderate and greedy fucks. Noon I have to be there. I get there, and it's a non-descript, unmarked building with only a intercom. No windows. I go in, and I'm introduced to Don, the polygraph guy. He has me sit down in the room and then he leaves. So I make eye contact with every possible place that hides the camera. I know it's there. I'm not dumb. There's a thermostat in the room. Remember that.
So I'm sweating cause it's hot and it's scary and he comes in with a file and we idly chat about school. Then he goes through everything that we're going to do. First, we figure if I'm a suitable candidate. Second, we go through my rights and how the polygraph works. Third, we go through the questions. There are no surprises. We tailor each question specifically so that I have no false impressions. Fourth, we do a pre-test to measure the ease of the testing. This is done through numbered cards. Fifth, we do the test. There are 10 questions in three sets, so thirty questions. Sixth, he leaves and goes over the results and then comes in and discusses. If need be, more sets of questions.
1) He gets all my personal details. All of them. Height, weight, medical history, psychological history, everything. He asks me my favorite movie of all time and writes it down. I don't know why. He asks me if I ever had major surgery; I did. We compare surgeries because they were very similar. He asks me if in the past 48 hours, I had done any narcotics; no. Any alcohol? Yes, a bottle of champagne at work  . He says I'm healthy, let's proceed.
2) He explains the rights and freedoms protected by the Canadian government. He has me repeat them back at him in my own words. I sign consent forms. Then I ask where the camera is. "I don't know. I'm not the tech guy." (Okay. Remember this.) I sign all the shit and he explains all the shit.
3) We go through the questions. There are 10 questions.
- Did you steal the money?
- Subtle variation of 1.
- Subtle variation of 1.
- Control question: "Are you Matt?"
- Control question: "Are you in Winnipeg?"
- Other than this case, have you ever lied about something?
- Other than this case, have you ever done anything illegal?
- Other than this case, have you ever stolen something?
- Trust question: Do you intend to tell the truth for these questions?
- Trust question: Are you afraid I'm going to ask a question we haven't reviewed?
For questions 6, 7, and 8, he says that since the mind works by association, you may feel guilty about something in your past when you hear the words "steal" or "took". So in order to avoid that, we clear my mind by having my recite all my crimes. Great. All my dirty secrets. Here we go. I say, "Yeah, I've stolen something. Toys from the mall. When I was ten." He sighs and looks shocked. "Are you serious? You never got caught?" He makes a big show of writing it down. "Now I have to reword the question." As we go through all my crimes, he gets more and more upset. Which means I'm getting mad. Fuck you, pal. Stop judging me.
When I get stressed, I get the giggles. So put your best cop voice on and say this, what the cop said, "You think this is funny? This is no laughing matter. Do you see me laughing?" Of course, this made me laugh more.
I ask him to turn down the heat. He stands up and leaves the room. Therefore, the camera is the thermostat. When he leaves, I look right into it. I'm not dumb.
He puts me in the machine. There's a cuff going around my right arm (measures how much blood is being pumped), two metal circles around my ring and index finger on left hand (measures "galvanic" something or other: sweat). There's a hose around my chest and a hose under my gut (how much oxygen in my chest cavity). I can't move.
4) We do the pre-test. I'm strapped in and he makes me pickacardanycard and I get a three. Then he says, "Say no to every question." And then he asks the question, I say "no" and then 20-25 seconds pass in complete silence. I can't move, my eyes are closed. When we're done, he laughs. "Do you smoke?" "No." "Well, this is going to be easy." When I lied, it was sooooo obvious that he laughed.
5) We do the test. My right arm is going cold and numb from lack of blood and it looks purple. Each question makes me doubt everything. In that 20 second pause, my brain is going everywhere. The questions above were randomized. The first set done, I get a chance to warm my arm up. Same with the second set. After the third, he takes the laptop and leaves.
6) He comes back and says, "Did you have any problems with any questions?"
"Yeah, on the trusts questions I felt a hot flush, like when I lie normally." I know what my body is doing when it lies.
"We noticed that, too. But otherwise, you had nothing to do with the money."
Well, I couldn't. I wasn't there.
So then I get to leave. Fuck. I had to go to work and from there, the day stayed awful. Thankfully, today I'm going to do nothing and watch the Poseidan Adventure. Yay! |
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